[LettingGo]

Resentment and GUILT.... are KILLERS!! MLC..... don't tell my husband, but it has it's benefits.... talk about making lemonade out of lemons.... I'll admit that when he goes to OW's, though I don't like it (DUH!! I STRONGLY don't like it, LOL!!) I also SECRETLY like having the whole weekend to myself!!

[Shantilly Lace]

HB always advocated that the MLCer should be the one to move out or file for divorce (for the largest portion that is) so that their pride doesn't get in the way.  The she didn't want me, why would I...
 
NOw it doesn't mean it doesn't happen or shouldn't happen but as a stander aside from being ready or financial safety what would the benefit be?
 

[LettingGo]

Ummm..... standing for your marriage... avoiding divorce if possible while spouse is in MLC.... filing is awkward.... it may not be your highest choice!! It may be for total protection and in your best interest.... even in the best interest for your kids and family in the event of a reconciliation.... to preserve the family assets!! But, I'm not sure how it fits the SIMPLE definition of "standing" that's all!! I didn't mean it was WRONG at all.... sometimes you have to do what you've gotta do..... we've all been THERE.... I just think it's a little awkward if you are ultimately trying to preserve your marriage to be filing for divorce.... I don't mean it's WRONG... a LOT of things about MLC are so absurd they are awkward....

[Thundarr]

Nobody left behind.... just please, no MLCer bashing.... that's all we ask (not accusing you, by the way!!), and by bashing, I mean nasty stuff... not the usual "I can't believe what a jerk he is!!".... they are sick.... we all need to remember that...

Great way to sum this up, LG!!

... a LOT of things about MLC are so absurd they are awkward....

A lot?  I think the whole blasted thing is awkward!!

[unbroken]

filing is awkward... I'm not sure how it fits the SIMPLE definition of "standing"

Stander
A person who seeks to remain married while his or her spouse is seeking to escape the marriage; legal actions may or may not have been initiated or finalized. Some are Standers by action, while others are strict Standers in philosophy, believing divorce is an immoral action.

You may be a strict Stander, or you may choose to Stand without a strict aversion to divorce, or you may simply be uncertain whether your relationship is worth a Stand. It is for each individual to choose whether to Stand, or whether to step down. Some Standers are for Life, continuing to Stand knowing restoration of their marriages is unlikely. They are the Covenant Keepers, honouring their vows even as their spouse may marry another. Regardless of your beliefs and goals, you are welcome.

[justasking]

IMO one of the solid foundations for this forum was the openness with which we welcome people to the board.

I think we should also be mindful that everyone who arrives here is truly hurting. They have felt pain that is beyond despair. To turn people away in their biggest hour of need is not what this forum is about. There is a spirituality about being here and whether you believe in God or not there should be compassion for other people who are hurting.

Many here will go onto divorce unfortunately. It's the way of the world. I am now at 2 years separation so my H can file for divorce anytime. But I would hate to think that members of this forum were so dogmatic about only being for standers who are married that the door was shut for me.

It is important we have compassion for the MLCer but also other LBS. There are many reasons why people divorce. I know of kind gentle LBS being taken down this route and have agreed to protect hemselves and their children. These LBS need the support that this forum can give them until we are ready to move on into life.

Sadly at the moment the forum appears to be losing compassion for everyone if you are slightly different from the quoted 'stander'. I have been on other forums when they imploded because of lack of understanding and compassion. People were badly hurt and the voice of reason was lost. I pray we are not going this way on here as I love this forum and what it stands for.

xx

[Standing4Myself]

Great topic, Lisa..in re to the initial topic and a few others, my 2cents..

Shantilly, I too would strongly advise the same thing...let the MLCer move out. This helps in so many ways, for me, it helped keep my life a little more stable in a world that was turned upside down and did the same for my children. But I don't see anything wrong with the LBS filing for the divorce IF there is an OM/OW (read below). Now, if there is no OW/OM - then you should absolutely be standing. We signed up for good times and bad - well, these are the bad. And I don't know about your state(s) but divorce all too often seems like some chaotic court trial that costs tons of money. I did a simple dissolution, no lawyers - just paid filing fees, submitted our own parenting plan. Now, I know that's not for everyone. but I couldnt imagine going through an actual divorce with court dates, and lawyers and motions. ugh.

Divorcing as a standing action? you betcha. Here's my view on that: now, I think there are some differences between male/females in MLC. Most women seem to be gone. They drop the bomb, and dont turn back. If they part with one OM, another is around the corner. Seems the guys tend to come and go a little more, they're on again/off again. So, standing and not divorcing - or trying not to divorce - might differ from what I'd do differently (which I didnt do initially) which is to divorce asap. It's one heck of a boundary and many of these MLCers are unstable and make bad decisions. Mine was drinking a lot. Didn't want my childrens futures ruined because of her mistakes that I'd have to pay for. And while I didn't want to end my marriage, I couldn't be married to her while she was with someone else. I believed that I WAS standing for my marriage by ending it. Again, she's with someone else, so I basically thought I was disrespecting the sacrament as much as she was by remaining married.

In the end, you need to figure out what you're standing for exactly. I chose to stand for my family, we're a man down (or woman rather) but - back to the moving out part above - we're still here in the 'ol marital home. I have custody of my children and we pretty much continue to live the same lives we've always lived. I consider myself 'standing down' right now for her, but who knows what the future holds. I forgave her a long time ago and still care deeply for her and always will. I knew I had to start moving my life forward and move on (and I don't think moving on means moving on with someone else) and if she wants to catch up to me, that's her job at this point. And if we did reconcile - our 1st marriage/relationship is done. I'd be starting a new and different one with the same person.






 

[unbroken]

I think part of why people are getting upset is that their feelings are hurt by people who may mean well, but aren't careful with what or how they write.  Take this for example...

But I don't see anything wrong with the LBS filing for the divorce IF there is an OM/OW (read below). Now, if there is no OW/OM - then you should absolutely be standing.

That indicates that in this person's opinion if you file, you are not standing.  Now I know from the rest of the post that that was not what the writer intended, but that's what it says.  Also it gives conditions for when it might be okay to do something - it's only okay to file IF there's an OM/OW.  And then it says what SHOULD ABSOLUTELY be done.  Huh?  Says who?  It doesn't leave a lot of room for understanding others' circumstances or why someone may feel the need to do something the write hadn't considered. 

[Little Chief]

This forum is a haven for standers, but also a sort of social experiment (for lack of a better term - I'm sorry I'm actually having a pretty rough day so my words aren't spot-on, I apologize in advance).  I say that because as WE ALL know, there just isn't a lot of support for people in our positions (standing or not).  I remember just weeks after BD going to the doctor for an STD test and advising the nurse why I was there.  She looked at me with such sadness and said, "That happened to me, too".  While I know she was being kind, I remember thinking how victimized she looked as well, and I thought "Gosh I hope I don't look like THAT in 20 years".  Then I found DB, then Hero's Spouse.

When we were all growing up and getting married, did anyone ever tell us that this could happen?  No.  Did we ever stop to think about those marriages that we knew of that failed in mid-life and why?  Probably not.  Mid Life Crisis was a joke.  People made fun of it.  "See that guy in the sports car?  That's his mid-life crisis car".  Or when we saw an older man with a younger wife we made fun of that, too.  It was so easy for society to just poo-poo the crisis and ignore the consequences of that crisis.  Now we are living proof of the devastation it causes.  We are here, journaling both good and bad, what this does to us, our families, and our friends.  We are making a difference.  We are not alone.  We are not victims.  We are holding each other up as best as we can.  We are telling our friends and families about this.  We are not ashamed of our lives.  We are learning to be proud to stand, to fight, and sometimes, to end our stand.

We are on the front lines of MLC.  We are fighting every day for our spouses, our marriages, and ourselves.  We are learning, we are growing, and we will prevail, one way or the other.  And if the world is a little smarter in the process because we came here, then we have done good.

[Mamma Bear]

Little Chief, But your words are 'spot n'.   I wish i could've said it like you did. Super!