Skip to main content

Author Topic: Discussion The Alienator??? Many questions.....

F
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 309
  • Gender: Male
  • UK father left due to wife's affair.
Discussion Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#60: September 22, 2011, 10:44:02 AM
Hi Foxberry and others,
yes we all seem to see these very charming and clever Narcissists and others only seem to see them as charming and clever.
There is also a significant connection with Stockholm Syndrome which affects the MLC.
But to illustrate there are a series of 4 short (10 minute) videos on Youtube by Melody Chase from Canada which explain all the characteristics of Narcissism and our experiences.
I had a little input (as AW), but you will see if you watch them.

Regarding Financial control, in UK I managed to acheive this with the help of my solicitor and it can be done without going as far as Divorce. There is Maintenance Pending Suit before a Divorce whilst separated. This is one of the cases I am involved with next week.

Here is the link to the first Video.
http://counsellorinabox.com/blog/?p=181
  • Logged
Life is good, once you understand.
We make our own happiness and everyone likes to be with happy people.
One man's junk is another's treasure and life goes on. Make yourself into a happy treasure. :-)

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#61: September 22, 2011, 11:15:23 AM
You’re welcome, Freddy.

Yes, you had it right. But I was wondering if I was the only one with a spouse that keeps bringing absurd court cases upon me. Now I know I’m not.

No way I’m near to financial stability. Husband is aware my job is gone for awile, that I have health issues that do not allow for a regular job, but, its been 5 years and I have not seen a penny from him.

His reasons for court cases are that he had to left because of me, that I have never helped him, that I spent too much, and do on. Also, that we was the only one that earned money during our marriage. Not true. I’ve worked hard on the projects with both created and have had several jobs. Plus, even if I have never done a thing, he had married me, accept the situation and, therefore, he can not have that for a reason to divorce.

Of course he does not says the court that there was OW1, that he left (before BD), stopped contributing with money, took all the money from our bank accounts, manage to put and end to our joint projects and so on.

Now, at least I'm certain it is OW2 who is behind the crazy court cases. He never filled for divorce during OW1. She was the typo of other person that fears the spouse and would never wanted to see herself into such a messy thing as a court case. OW2, on the other hand, is the sort that wants to be me, have my live and would very much enjoy if I notice her existence. Given that my husband had is first fault divorce closed for lack of proofs of his claims (the are none), he come up with a second one. Where we live you can only file for fault divorce on the county you live. So, we opened the case with an address from another county. My lawyer pointed out he does not live in such county. His lawyer contestation said “it is the address of Mr Jones current companion”.

Thing his, Mr Jones current companion in reality lives with Mr Jones in the couty he lives in, has all her legal addresses in the same county (even street and flat) that Mr Jones. The other address is from some property she owns. Thing number two, Mr Jones is married, a current companion means adultery and valid reason for a fault divorce from Mr Jones spouse. Now, Mr Jones spouse does not even need, if she wants, to try to prove that Mr Jones is living with someone. He already said it in a court legal document.

And no, this not like murder, that are no mitigating circustances and no deal. How out of one mind does a person who is taking the wife to court because she was a bad wife, needs to be to say that he is using an address that belong to current companion? Totally out of their minds?

Of course I know that it is just OW2 showing me she exists and trying to make go mad. And, perhaps, even contact her. Or star phoning husband (he is a vanisher) and asking him what is that stuff about current companion. So such luck , my lawyer will deal with the two of them according to the law.

Also, my husband’s lawyer is a friend of other woman. My husband knows nothing about law, I was always the one that took care of the legal matters, he is still very angry with himself (of course he thinks he is angry at me), and quite vulnerable. A very easy prey to a charming “oh, my darling, you need to get rid of that terrible wife of yours” OW. And OW2 is even more charming than OW1. She has charmed husband’s relatives, some of mine and his mutual friends, and all his and hers new friends.

She, of course, just like your wife OM, is trying to destroy and gain all she can, while pretending to save and care very much for him and all those that are close to him. Except his wife, of course!

I have to disagree, Freddy, months remaining to retain something for next year when again I may have no work, a narcissistic alienator manages to diciave almost anyone. At least OW2 has managed that. Maybe when she will get what she wants (but to that he will need to be divorced and keep all our assets for himself, something that I find hard to happen, even because it is illegal) she will dump him. For the time being she’s living the high life, gained access to a semi-famous (in our country) cultural and artistic circle, and has copy cat me in many things.

Have no idea how her past was, if there was abuse of not. I’m not interested in found out.
But you are right, they can be dangerous. I’ve realised that. OW2 is dangerous. OW1 was innocuous, juts the type who wants to offer some solace to an unhappy married man.

Any tips to deal with a husband in MLC with a narcissistic other woman that is helping him taking me to court, while being adorable to everyone?
  • Logged
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#62: September 22, 2011, 11:18:32 AM
Regarding Financial control, in UK I managed to acheive this with the help of my solicitor and it can be done without going as far as Divorce. There is Maintenance Pending Suit before a Divorce whilst separated. This is one of the cases I am involved with next week.

We have this in my country as well. I have a court case for it. Husband is contesting, so, it drags.
  • Logged
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

n
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 619
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#63: September 22, 2011, 01:20:44 PM
great thread. i think hubby and ow are narcist. is that possible. i know hubby is her hero and she is his damsel. just when you think nothing else can be chucked at me as a lbs, they think of something. but i dont show them they are getting to me at all. my only worry is when i have to face ow. im sure i will feature in her game plan one day lol. whats the best way any of you have handled this. in my dreams i would beat the skank lol. but in reality ive got 4 kids to behave in front of. im determined to keep my dignity and self respect. just think meeting ow is going to be a test of my patience and mouth quiet  :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X :-X
  • Logged
make the most of everyday. keep smiling and laughing. why because it makes us feel sooooo much better in ourselves :0)

k
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6918
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#64: September 22, 2011, 01:57:05 PM
FreddyG, thanks for the link.
Scary stuff though  ???  I can see how my H has been putty in the OW's hands now
  • Logged

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5219
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#65: September 22, 2011, 02:06:11 PM
   Nesquick2,           Personally,  I plan on avoiding IT at all cost.......Staying Far Away from Skankie germs and  aura of sleezy- ness.  I think it will be best to stay above the fray like the Queen of England. Ewwwwwwwwww   :P :P  I can't mingle with the likes of an OW :o :o :o :o
   I'll run if I see her.   :)
  • Logged

n
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 619
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#66: September 22, 2011, 03:11:07 PM
mama bear. you are sooooooooooooooooo funny. i know one day she will turn up to pick the kids up. i just know it. seriously. hubby has already bought ow kids with him. luckily i was going dim at the time so did not see them. even though all the kids are innocent in this mlc. im thinking i will just have to smile sweetly at her in front of kids and put her down when no ones looking lol. maybe im having a midlife crisis lol  :-X
  • Logged
make the most of everyday. keep smiling and laughing. why because it makes us feel sooooo much better in ourselves :0)

b
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 331
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#67: September 22, 2011, 03:35:18 PM
I saw my partner with his "soulmate" last Sunday for the very first time last Sunday. After all I have read, how far I thought I had come, I crashed and burned, my first comment to him was leave me alone you disgust me! 
Guess I won't be graduating from here with honors.  I am not sure there really is advice that will get you through that moment with dignity and grace.  There is advice of course, but at that moment, my crushed heart took over and I lashed out from pain.  I know, not my best move.
When I calmed down what I read on here did kick in as I was looking at this stranger before me and I was able to speak in a calm tone, just was honest and said that of course this was hard for me.
He remained calm himself, probably from guilt somewhere in him.
Though the ow, om is not supposed to matter, at that moment they mattered a lot. Why, after all I have read here.  Beacause it is still hard for me to accept what he feels isn't real.  It sure looks and feels real to me.
Back to baby steps for me I guess.
  • Logged
Hugs and Blessings,
Brokenhearted

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4954
  • Gender: Female
  • When the world sends you lemons - make lemonade!
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#68: September 22, 2011, 03:45:23 PM
Brokenhearted,
You responded/reacted like most or all of us would.  I haven't had to see my H with his OW.  I cannot imagine how hard that must be and how much it would hurt.
It is difficult to believe that this isn't "true love" as they appear to be so happy.  (It's the Covert Depression and the mask that they wear).
Infidelity is one of the most painful parts of MLC.  It is difficult NOT to take it personally.

I guess we all need to understand....It isn't about HER and it isn't about US....it's about how the MLCer feels about himself....and he is merely using OW to make himself feel better.  (OW is probably using the MLCer, as well, but that is besides the point).

Don't be so hard on yourself.  It hurt you.  You said how you felt.  It's okay.  It really is.

And don't worry about graduating from here - "with honors."  (I loved that line, by the way).  All we are all doing is trying to get through this, the best we can.

Remember...OW is just a band-aid.  Nothing more.  The MLCer is incapable of having a relationship with anyone.......

Hugs,

L
  • Logged
M -64,  ExH - 71 (57 at BD)
M - 33 years (did the last 3 years count?)
D - 34, D -30, S - 30
BD 5/29/2010, Ran away from home - 8/15/2010,
Found out about affair - 2/11
H asks for divorce - 8/11
H filed for divorce 10/11
Announced "new" girlfriend 12/12 (3rd OW)
Divorce final 06/13 (I decided to finish it)
Dumped OW#3 9/15 (After 4 years)
Married OW#1 2019
OW#1 filed for divorce from ExH 9/24

The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
Survival Instructions For Newbies
The Mentor Program
Report Technical Problems

n
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 619
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Alienator??? Many questions.....
#69: September 22, 2011, 03:52:18 PM
brokenhearted, i agree with limitless. we are tested soooo much. hang in there hunny. we are all together on this forum. i hope i behave if i meet ow, i really do. but my inner self tells me thats when i will break and i sooooo dont want too. i think of the word PATIENCE and not playing into ow control. i so cant do that. i will picture my fab four kids in my mind and heart if i ever do meet her. she wont be getting a cuppa at my house i can tell you lol.
  • Logged
make the most of everyday. keep smiling and laughing. why because it makes us feel sooooo much better in ourselves :0)

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.