[TrustingMyHP]

Thank God I haven't had to face my H with the OW yet either.  I pray that day will never come but, I suspect it will, sadly.  My D is planning on getting married in two years and I'm thinking about the wedding and OW being there. . .

I have seen photos of H with OW on FB.  Devastated me, I mean devastated.

And, I'm sorry, but MLCers DO occasionally marry the OW.  It does happen!  And it's not all that astoundingly rare from what I've seen on this board and others.  So I get somewhat frustrated with the mantra that the OW is "nothing," "just a band-aid," "not to be considered."  Ah, some MLCers marry their OW.  Look around!

TMHP

[Synicca]

I believe some DO marry their OW's...but that doesnt mean it would last any longer then if they hadnt...

I feel that if I had left my H and filed for D at BD.....he would have married OW as soon as it was final, regardless
of how he felt.....6 months ago...he was still very much deep in the fog...He would have done it.....I know it!'

but...I also believe it wouldnt have lasted very long at all...
 

[Stillpraying]

TMH,
I'm so sorry you had to see those pics on facebook and for everyone else, sorry you had to be confronted with the OW.  I have yet to experience that. 

Although, one time I collected the kids from H's after a BBQ there, I was about to leave and we were all in the car, when OW is standing at her car ready to leave.  It was dark and she was behind us but the kids pointed her out.  I just saw a silouette of her and H.  Thank goodness he didn't kiss her then.  Why he had to get her to leave at almost the same time as me I don't know.  Probably trying to taunt like a teenager.  See, I have a girlfriend, na na na na na.

I am also questioning the 'one size fits all' description of the OW / OM and the R with our MLC'ers.  How can we be so sure that is what is going on with ALL of them?

My neighbour's H left her and has been married to OW for 5 years.

[Mamma Bear]

  Stillpraying,   Well.. Well.. Well back to the age old question of 'How can I focus on me?'  Whenever I see anything remotely involving a romantic scene on TV or in real life I cringe.
   Luckily I have a Clingy Boomerang MLCer. I can SEE that he is incapable of having a normal conversation with ANYONE!! 
  He talks jibberish and unicorns.
   His texts are like Howard Stern fart jokes.  Since my sister whose h came back after 2 years told me she's  a' dumbsell in distress'. Right out of the gate she called everything about Bowser OW Perfectly.
   No car, No TV,No AC, No 7 year old (he lives with his Dad), No good job, No pretty face, No boyfriend except my H. Now I find out she chain smokes and doesn't empty the ashtrays. The Ds said she's quiet and laughs TeeHee at everything H says.
     There is no way on God's green earth that my handsome intelligent kind loving H is going to stay stuck in this s**thole longer than it takes for total rock bottom and awakening ETC...months years who knows he's broken and I can't find the warranty.
   Even if he doesn't come back to me (and I know he will) He will come out different and this Trailer Park Drama Queen is NOT his cup of tea! This much I KNOW   Trust the MLC Process!!! Infidelity destroys itself.   Without our help!!!!  That's the best part.

[Stillpraying]

MB.  Your Howard Stern comment made me laugh, even though I've never heard him.
The kids were joking around how they are trying to upset OW.  They first said they touch her stuff. I told them that's disrespectful etc and they got the gist.

However, then they said that S5 (a shy boy!!) goes to the loo and then makes fart noises with his mouth.  Really loud and long.  The boys, say dad goes red with emabarrassment.  While we are all (including D2) laughing our heads off  just visualising them at OW's doing this,  8)S5 promptly got up and went to demonstrate to me. 

I also just remembered S9 said dad told him it's OK if he doesn't like OW.  Hardly something you'd say to your child if you want a relationship to go the distance

[Freddygone]

Reading MamaBear's posting makes me ask a significant question here.
The partners that our other half are with......Do any of them fit to type that our MLC would normally choose?
I don't mean for a quicky or a holiday, I mean as a stable, comfortable relationship?

Aren't most (I almost said all) going to crash and burn?

Like a satellite re-entry (topical) , they will burn up and we have a small chance of being hit by a fragment, but I think most of the damage will be to them.
If you and your partner have been in a long term marriage which has been good (I did not say perfect) then you have been doing something right and a Narcissist has wished to steal your partner. They (the Narcissist) will try to blend with the character, blackmail and control, to replace you or excite your spouse. But in relative terms the chances of a sustained, reliable, calm and stable long term relationship is slim. The MLC will see this change as refreshing...initially.
There will always be comparison in your MLC's head, at some point. Maybe it will be too late when that realisation comes. But it will come.

But MLC is about chaos, unreliability, excitement and instability.
It is an adrenalin rush that they have, but can't live with long term.
The Narcissist is exploiting the chaos and instability simply to gain power. They will argue and fight, break up and get back together as this is the way of controlling.
But I also find my daughters ridicule this OM, and he does not know how to respond. They have him pegged.
We are all nuts to some degree is my conclusion.

[Dontgiveup]

"And, I'm sorry, but MLCers DO occasionally marry the OW.  It does happen!  And it's not all that astoundingly rare from what I've seen on this board and others.  So I get somewhat frustrated with the mantra that the OW is "nothing," "just a band-aid," "not to be considered."  Ah, some MLCers marry their OW.  Look around!"

Yes, it does happen.  Occasionally.  RCR's blog on marrying the alienator shows that it can and does happen.  Nothing on this website says it never happens.  Never means zero.

And, let's also not forget that even when the MLCer does marry the OW/OM, a high percentage of those end up in divorce.  My friend's ex-wife married the OM.....and subsequently divorced him 18 months later.

It depends on what you mean by "astoundingly rare".  You could do a sample from this forum.  There is info on 100 LBS that could be used for a basic sample size.

The term "band aid" is used by other MLC resources as well.  It's a term to help the LBS recognize that the OM/OW is a symptom of the crisis.

I believe this....if my ex-wife was capable of being in a committed relationship, it would be with me.

[Freddygone]

So Don'tgiveup,
yes, sometimes they marry and sometimes divorce, it happens.
I think standers have the perception that their relationship with their spouse was of good enough quality for the stander to want to wait for it to come back. AND there is a fair probability that your spouse, assuming they view the marriage in the same way at some point, will take the same view.
The trick is timing.
If we are NOT standing then probability of that intersection is low.  But if one is standing then the probability is higher?
As a stander the mathematics work in favour, but nothing is certain.
Anything can happen, so we have to carry on .....Nobody said this was easy, this is very hard, I am struggling.

[Mamma Bear]

Freddygone,  Would the MLCer normally pick someone like this?   No, the MLCer does a 180 and picks the opposite of what he normally would.  In their state of low self esteem they pick someone who actually looks up to them.         The one convenient emotional vacuum just waiting to suck them in.

  My understanding of this, and correct me if I am wrong here, is that they throw us aside as a discarded fragment. Then when they are rebuilding themselves ( keeping certain parts and discarding others)  after Replay is over they find us in the rubble.
   I've been glad to read that they remember how we treated them in the tunnel!!!     That's why my H must be so surprised right now. He must have thought I would have gone off about this. Never have. He must have thought I'd be vindictive and spiteful. I have not. He must have thought I'd be snide or condescending. I have not.  He must have thought I'd badmouth him to kids and others. I have not.

   Thanks to this website and all the great friends I have found here I have done none of these things. It's like a science experiment. When these infatuation chemicals and other band aids start making them feel WORSE........That's when the real fun begins..
       

. 

[LettingGo]

Anything can happen

Yes, they could get hit by a bus or die of a heart attack, and there goes your Stand!!

I've been glad to read that they remember how we treated them in the tunnel!!!     That's why my H must be so surprised right now. He must have thought I would have gone off about this.

Yes.... and my husband was astounded I didn't immediately divorce him... in fact, at first he thought by confessing OW to me it would end his misery... that I would take away his choice.... but I like to torture him with making him grow up... like Joan Rivers says... "Oh GROW UP ALREADY!!"....NOW, of course, he is so grateful I didn't divorce him, though I constantly threaten... gotta stop that... it is not helping....