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Author Topic: Interacting with Your MLCer rules for rebuilding? snooping

a
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Interacting with Your MLCer rules for rebuilding? snooping
OP: September 22, 2011, 08:01:40 AM
If any of you have read my threads, you know my H is home and we have been counting our blessings as he negotiates through his MLC.

I have a feeling I know what some of you might say, but I'm still curious. I rocked the boat, so to speak, by snooping around. I found his calendar for last year and traced back some of his encounters he had with OW. As he said, it seemed to start with walks and lunches (they work in the same place but different departments) during the end of the summer. He had said that the physical affair didn't start until December 2010. Well, he wrote on the back of his calendar, a "history", and I saw hotels etc dating to the end of September 2010. There were three such hotel "meetings" in each of October, November and December 2010. OW's name wasn't mentioned, but in one entry the word "jacuzzi" was thrown in. I think he wrote it down in case OW tried to retaliate at work (even though she doesn't work for him). I looked at my own calendar and tried to see what I was doing while these "events" took place. I was home, with the kids or at the school meeting with teachers or doing volunteer work. One Saturday, he had said he was going in to work. Yadayadayada.
I swore I wouldn't mention anything to him, but i couldn't resist. so I said, I need some reassurances during this time of year. Same time last year, you were carryon with OW and I had no idea. I'm happy now, but I keep hearing those whispers in my ear. He replied that nothing happened until the end of November (he bumped it up from December I noticed) and that whatever info I'm basing these assumptions on were probably business meetings. I said, "no I know, because unless you had a business meeting in a jacuzzi, things were happening last year right about now. But I'm dealing with it as best as i can." He was VERY quiet. He was quiet for a day. The only thing he said was, "please stop snooping".
Not sure I can resist a snoop, but it did hurt to find that stuff out. We are ok now, and he's not quiet anymore seeing that I am my normal loving self, so is he...but
Better to know or not know? Snoop or not snoop...
somewhere out there is a disk with the emails they exchanged. should i look for it? Forget it?
angelgirl
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« Last Edit: January 22, 2012, 04:01:47 PM by Rollercoasterider »

M
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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#1: September 22, 2011, 08:15:27 AM
  Hi AngelGirl, I think the correct answer is stop snooping. It hurts you as well as him.
  I think in MY situation H ran away to go to OW but he doesn't consider it cheating. He said he left me and then went and slept with her. :o     I love manners!
   If he still lived at home and I thought there were shennanigans afoot I would write him a note or politely and considerately ask. "Are you having sex with someone who is not me?"    That way you won't be snooping and you won't seem like a doormat. :)
 Now wait for some REAL answers from the pros. Good Luck!
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S
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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#2: September 22, 2011, 08:25:26 AM
angelgirl,

Snooping rarely does anything, but cause you more pain. If you are working towards reconciliation, then forgiveness is going to be essential. If you keep looking, you are going to open those wounds. At this point, what can be gained. We all know MLC'ers lie, they lie to themselves, they lie to us, they lie to the world. It is the nature of the crisis. He is clearly still within his crisis and is asking you for space. He has many demons to face and will need to progress through that on his own pace. Your willingness to accept him and all his flaws will be essential to your growth.

Things all have a way of working themselves out. Information comes to us through all different ways. We don't need to go looking for it. Why cause more pain for yourself when you can focus on healing?
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H43, M44
M 22 years
T  23 years
3 Kids
Crisis began 4/08
Divorced 2/13

w
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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#3: September 22, 2011, 08:26:04 AM
Did snooping help? I doubt it..it never helped me, just hurt. Listen does it really matter whether it was Sept. or Dec. since we are talking about last year? Someday he may be able to be honest..right now it is still a fear of you bring up the past that he is not completely ready to face. In MLC they lie so much especially in the beginning. He was in a fog...he may not truly remember exactly the date it started. Most MLC affairs probably start out slowly, talking, lunches, spilling their guts about how bad their life is , etc. The point is are you being deceived on a timeline like finding out their affair started a years before or are we are talking a few months. Most of us have snooped, most of us got hurt when we did.

Is he open and transparent now? Are you afraid he starting another affair? Otherwise I wouldn't suggest you do it. Others will chime in on their advise. i think you need to think whether it fits in with you working on your marriage and rebuilding your relationship.
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« Last Edit: September 22, 2011, 08:27:26 AM by wondering »
Me  53
H  68
Married 23 yrs
BD 8/10
OW 10/10 Gone 7/11
8/11 home again
8/12 Reconnecting
11/13 Rebuilding a stronger marraige


Old name: Wondering what to do

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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#4: September 22, 2011, 08:36:35 AM
My H recently broke off his affair with OW.  Details of what and when they did things together only hurts me.  H was deceptive with me for 8 months telling me it was an EA and it was over.  Well it wasn't over and it was on and off for 8 months and a PA.  When he finally came clean so to speak I decided for my sanity (and those reoccurring visions we all have) to not ask the details.  So whether the affair began in January or November or whatever dates really makes no difference to me.  H became such a good liar and sneak that it doesn't matter what I was doing during those times, he would have found someway somehow to be with her. 

Now what matters is absolute transparency and honesty.  I don't snoop anymore because it always hurt and it ALWAYS pushed him away.  I do however ask questions about current situations and he complies as he knows he needs to do this to rebuild trust.

Work on the now and leave the past in the past, it will be easier for you in the long run.  ((((HUGS))))
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Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.
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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#5: September 22, 2011, 08:50:35 AM


For me, early on when H was gaslighting me that there was not an A going on, I snooped. Yes, it hurt. However, At that point in time, I needed to know I was not crazy, and exactly how I had been duped. After those things were established, I no longer needed to know details. The A is crazy as the details of their communications were. I knew what he was doing and how he deceived me, The rest of it was useless info.

And, BTW, I found confrontation NEVER helped. It just fed the drama mill that the A thrives on.
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"Midway upon the journey of life, I found myself within a forest dark For the straightforward path had been lost"

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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#6: September 22, 2011, 08:56:20 AM
Angelgirl, I think Wondering said it very well.... you still have to tread carefully while he is still processing. He can only handle so much "truth"... for real. Can you even imagine? :o I know that my husband fudges on a lot of things because he is creatively redefining what cheating is... if, in his mind, it is over with OW, though they are still in contact, he tries to convince himself I'm unreasonable for suggesting they are still involved.... I honestly have said "well, did you spend the weekend with her?" only to have him say "Yes, but we didn't have sex" which is another lie to HIMSELF, first and foremost... he cannot HANDLE the truth of what he's doing, which by the way, he refers to as "what I've DONE".... ummm, no.... DOING.

Did this particular snooping come about as you CAME ACROSS some of his stuff? That happened to me yesterday, but it was just some notes of his on the number for the power company in CT to get his electric turned on in their apartment THIS TIME LAST YEAR, so that was a slight trigger.... just a reminder of the REALITY we were living in...

So, back to snooping....I would avoid the emails between them at all costs... I would find those disks and destroy them, unless there is still a possiblity of a divorce action, in which case I would put the disk away just in case... don't read them.... he doesn't feel that way about her now, so they are only relevant to his PAST infatuated fantasy feelings and you know what those were... Going back over his FEELINGS is irrelevant..... the timeline, I totally understand.... you want to know if you were being duped and stupid while he was cavorting in the hot tub.... in theory, he should come clean.... but maybe let it lie for now.... he kinda confirmed what you figured out, so maybe that's enough... kinda like meeting you half way, LOL!!

I suspect that the more he progresses towards you, the less info you will need.... it's probably a little of each.

Do you think he has gone through OW withdrawal? If so, please describe if you can... he sounds like he's still not through his MLC, therefore unable to be fully committed to you.... you're still not getting the loving husband you desire, but he's trying!  :)

I think that now you are dealing with the old "I know that you know that I know.... so just as long as we are clear about it, no matter what you don't tell me.... I KNOW!" and maybe that's enough!!

No more snooping for awhile....it could cause you to go off the deep end and set you back.... could be the handiwork of "the devil" here, as well, LOL!! To get you all riled up and insecure... go write down ten positive things about your R with your husband right now.... seriously!
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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#7: September 22, 2011, 09:49:33 AM
Hey Angelgirl,

No one seems to have mentioned it yet, but is it possible that his memory is flawed from that time.  He may really be having trouble separating his months, especially from that far back.  What is the difference between December and September, anyway?  You know it happened, but do you really need to know how and how often?  What are your priorities?  If you found out they did it more than 100 times would you kick him out now?  If you found out they did it at a particular site or on a particular day, would you kick him out now?

It sounds like things are going great for you, and I know that I and probably 99% of the others here would like to trade places with you.  Read some of our threads that are about the early days and count your blessings.  You will do fine.
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One day at a time.

Thundarr

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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#8: September 22, 2011, 10:09:28 AM
Another 2 cents...
Do you want him back?  Are you willing to accept whatever he has done?  Is there an actual deal breaker, something so horrible that you would actually end the marriage over?  If not, then there's no point in knowing all the details.  If you are willing to take him back knowing he has had an affair, then I would suggest you consider it all one big sin.  I would suggest you consider the worst - he f**ked her, told her he loved her, etc.  Do you still want him back?  Then move forward.  At some point you are going to need to work through your emotions about the affair with him.  You should probably let him know that.  But I would save that for later.  For now, assuming he has reassured you that all of that is over (and you believe him) I would work on rebuilding your relationship.  He won't feel safe if he constantly has to worry that you might find something new and ambush him with it.
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Re: rules for rebuilding? snooping
#9: September 22, 2011, 10:13:06 AM
Putting trust in someone who has lied and betrayed is no easy feat.  Obviously you are not ready to do this or you wouldn't snoop.  I'm not ready to do that either but with that said, I don't snoop because I already know how hurt I was, I don't need to know more so long as he is trying to reconnect.  Does he deserve my trust?  No.  Do I trust anyway?  No.  But I try.  Why?  Because it's the only way I can try and get past this.  Will I ever trust completely again?  I have no idea.  But it's worth a shot. 

If I ever have serious reasons to do so, maybe I will.  But if it's just a matter of curiosity and protecting myself, I can't see that it is constructive.  Snooping is going to keep both of us on edge and will defeat the purpose of standing all together.  Just my .02.
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"I have been studying the traits and dispositions of the "lower animals" (so called) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result humiliating to me."
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