[OldPilot]

I think you are starting to get it.

NC is not a necessity,
detachment is a necessity.

A lot of people can NOT get to the state of detachment without being NC.
When you are NC detachment is MUCH easier.
When they are spewing and invovled with all the antics detachment is very diificult.

I hope this helps.

[Buggy31]

OP how did you go NC while still living with your wife?

[OldPilot]

It wasn't easy, but part of it was that she went NC with me also.
So to go NC was much easier for me.

I will give you some tips later, I have to go eat dinner.

[OldPilot]

If she came into the room I was in I would get up and go into a different room.
Also I have no  young children so we did not have to talk about our children.
I also got a part time job during this period,
so I would be out of the house three or four nights a week.
I also was volunteering to officiate swim meets almost every weekend that I was free.

I was living my life and she was living hers, to some extent we are still doing that.
I am trying to make an effort to be with her and reattach now and that is hard work also.
Especially since I am not being welcomed with open arms.

This is why I am saying you must learn how to detach.
It is the single most important thing that the LBS can do with a MLC spouse.

[agape]

I have a female border student and I see her once a week face to face for 2 min. if that, even though we live in the same house. If I want to ask her something, usually I write her a note and leave it by the phone and she replies in the same manner.

It is funny how one can live in the same house and if they really want, never see or hear each other.

[Buggy31]

Thanks for the tips.  I know I have to maintain NC but it is hard because we have young ones.  He is not NC and I believe may be a bit of a clinger.  I think NC/dark/dim make him angry and really bring out monster.  Luckily with NC I don't have to see it in his eyes or deal with it.  I do worry about whether the children get it.  He still wants to be involved with children which in some ways is genuine and other ways a bit of a manipulative way to keep me engaged. 

I've done a good job of NC for one week which is quite a task with two young daughters and a newborn son.  The one time I did see him he showed up early for one of his days my neighbor was there so I handed her the baby and was ready to be on my way.  Seeing him and feeling his energy threw me way off, actually made me panicky and shaky.  I've held it together for so long but when I saw monster last week I was DE-sturbed to say the least.  Hopefully I can keep up NC for a couple weeks I think by then I would have regained my mental, emotional and spiritual ground.