[StandandDeliver]

mercury and AnneJ,

I completely agree. When I divorce I will not feel guilty because my H is in MLC. He is still making the choices he is making, and he is still dragging many people into his dis-ease (children, extended family, friends, hell - even OW). And he has not been treated badly by anyone, myself included.

I once read on here a story where a woman whose H had left her, saying: if he loves me he'll be back.

As far as I am concerned that is the bottom line regardless of MLC WAS etc. There is no point in staying hooked up in the drama about why this happened. If he truly loves me (and he has the the courage of this love) he will come back. If not, well he won't come back. There it is in black and white. So, it makes sense to detach, to GAL and to treat our spouses with respect (like an acquaintance or neighbour). If they remember that they love us we won't have put up barriers, and we can then choose if that is what we want or not. This could happen with a MLCer or a WAS. If they don't want us back then we have created the seeds of a cordial relationship with them (if there are children this is important) but we have already started the process of leaving that part of our lives behind. In the beginning diagnosing H was important for me, because his actions were so strange, out of character and frankly schizophrenic. But now, a year on, I can see that the reasons really do not matter AS MUCH to me. IF he loves me he'll be back. If he doesn't - then I don't want him anyway!

[Seeking Serenity]

Bravo S&D.....I couldn't have said this any better myself!!  I'm in complete agreement with S&D, Mercury & AnneJ.

He is still making the choices he is making, and he is still dragging many people into his dis-ease (children, extended family, friends, hell - even OW). And he has not been treated badly by anyone, myself included.

If he truly loves me (and he has the the courage of this love) he will come back. If not, well he won't come back. There it is in black and white.

Courage is a key word here I think (especially in my sitch).  H can love me till the cows come home but he needs to have the courage to face what he's done...deal with the guilt (and face me)...and be willing to make the changes necessary to build a better marriage than what we had.  It's a scary thought and a lot to deal with....and it cetainly takes a lot more effort than running away and staying away.

If H doesn't have the courage to face this.....then I don't want him back either.  I did not marry the cowardly lion!!!!  Right now I'm still here....I'm making the necessary changes in myself and am prepared to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage if given the chance.....unfortunately, the ball is in H's court now.....and he's not even in the stadium. (OK...maybe he's in the locker room with OW)