[terrified_in_TN]

Terrified- Looks like an exit affair."

  Question-Does an exit affair mean it is NOT MLC?  In month 4 since BD, and now I am starting to wonder if she really loved me at all.  Since she was an accommodater her whole life, does that mean this "new" her is the "real" her?  Or is it in fact just a rebellious time period in her life?  I know my "mini MLC" in 2009 is when I "fell off the white horse" in my wife's eyes, but I only saw her ONCE, did not have a PA, and believe it or not, was actually THANKFUL I never married old flame, and realized just what I had at home.

  I said it before in another thread, ironically I could call old flame if I wanted to, but I have no desire to.  That chapter has been closed.

-Terrified

[in it]

I'm not sure- this relationship I ended up in was an exit affair and I really wanted to take some time off from relationships but the ex hounded me so bad and said a few things I bought and I ended up on the rollercoater again.

And I reconnected with an old flame in 1996 while married. He was a massive alcoholic and I wanted nothing to do with him. I closed that door..there was quite a bit of history.

But it wasn't due to seeing what I had at home with the ex..it was due to my children.

She may very well have abandonment issues. She can't seem to spend time living by herself.

[terrified_in_TN]

Didn't mean to hijack...I am just confused.  But I guess truly I should not try to MAKE sense of the sich, because it seems IMPOSSIBLE to make any sense at all of this.

What just really blows my mind, after BD, but before actual separation she was SO conflicted.  I could tell (or at least it seemed) that she still had feelings for me, but wanted a whole new life.  I remember I even got a txt from her saying she WANTED her marriage/family.  Fast Forward one month after she has got around OM full time, and now she seemingly is indifferent, or wants nothing to do with me.  It was only after we separated that she claimed he was "her exit strategy".  But the whole time prior to her departure, she was so confused.  Of course, now I am confused.  I have NO idea what to believe.  I am not standing, but somehow deep down I just do not want to believe that my 20+ year relationship has been a complete farce and hope for a sincere apology one day.  But I also know that I will have to find closure within myself, as THAT was the main reason I went to see old flame when I did.  Never had that proper closure.

-Terrified

-EDIT-  I meant to add, hows this for a mind #$%^:  Prior to w's departure she joked about both of us being remarried and having an affair with each other someday!  It may have just been a joke, but a strange one for sure.  Also, before she left she said many things that stand out...how about "maybe the separation will make me appreciate just what I have at home", or "if we end up divorced we should remarry someday for a fresh start".  WHAT. THE. HELL.

[in it]

Me too- that's why I did it- and I had some questions I wanted answered.
Now you are gonna drive yourslf nuts if you want closure from her. Have you read anything about narccisum?

[terrified_in_TN]

Me too- that's why I did it- and I had some questions I wanted answered.
Now you are gonna drive yourslf nuts if you want closure from her. Have you read anything about narccisum?

A little bit.  Honestly still don't understand it other than its seemingly an obsession with one's self.  Although my w sure is acting it now, I am not sure if that would fit her personality.  My w has low self esteem and low self worth.  Not sure why, she is a beautiful woman.  Well, now that I mention it, she felt she was an "ugly duckling" back in high school.  She definitely turned out to be a swan, but I think the low self esteem took hold from back then.

By the way, re-read my post above.  I added something at the end and I think you were typing at the moment I was editing.  I would LOVE to get your opinion on my edit bit.

-Terrified

[in it]

  I meant to add, hows this for a mind #$%^:  Prior to w's departure she joked about both of us being remarried and having an affair with each other someday!  It may have just been a joke, but a strange one for sure.  Also, before she left she said many things that stand out...how about "maybe the separation will make me appreciate just what I have at home", or "if we end up divorced we should remarry someday for a fresh start".  WHAT. THE. HELL.

I know I know it's sick!!  ..like without the sneaking around or this kind of devastation there's no "clean slate" possible. Focus on you..

And Narccissts have very low self esteem and self worth READ educate yourself and then google healing from narcisstic abuse and see if you can relate.. It' rare in women but it does happen.

[Medusa]

What just really blows my mind, after BD, but before actual separation she was SO conflicted.  I could tell (or at least it seemed) that she still had feelings for me, but wanted a whole new life.  I remember I even got a txt from her saying she WANTED her marriage/family.  Fast Forward one month after she has got around OM full time, and now she seemingly is indifferent, or wants nothing to do with me.  It was only after we separated that she claimed he was "her exit strategy".  But the whole time prior to her departure, she was so confused.  Of course, now I am confused.  I have NO idea what to believe.  I am not standing, but somehow deep down I just do not want to believe that my 20+ year relationship has been a complete farce and hope for a sincere apology one day.  But I also know that I will have to find closure within myself, as THAT was the main reason I went to see old flame when I did.  Never had that proper closure.

-Terrified

-EDIT-  I meant to add, hows this for a mind #$%^:  Prior to w's departure she joked about both of us being remarried and having an affair with each other someday!  It may have just been a joke, but a strange one for sure.  Also, before she left she said many things that stand out...how about "maybe the separation will make me appreciate just what I have at home", or "if we end up divorced we should remarry someday for a fresh start".  WHAT. THE. HELL.

Mine was the same, TNT. He thought at BD we were done then realized maybe we weren't. He told me the day I asked him to leave that he knew I was everything he ever wanted in a woman but couldn't stop with her even though he was trying...I just knew it was too soon and he was on the path to go back to her. He said he had to stop "torturing my wife" but couldn't. It was all about him. Still is.

I am convinced that the only way they can truly get through whatever their issues are is to be away from us with as little contact as possible. We need that as much or more in order to move on as best we can. That takes time...a long time. I've definitely dropped the rope, but I still struggle with wanting him to hear me and acknowledge what he did even though I know that may never happen. Each day it gets a little easier, though.

(medusa--your ex h is also FEARFUL that someone may have a bigger Pen!$ than he does--makes me LAUGH every time i read it--you can't make this $hit up!!!)  i also have to hone in on the WEAKNESS aspect as well, especially for my MLCer.  he is weak, weak, weak.  never developed, or was guided toward the importance of developing, a strong sense of self, or moral character, or any of it.  so the WEAKNESS is all tied up in the FOO issues...

for me, from my perspective, FEAR and WEAKNESS are the reason my ex h is where he is today. 
in a brief moment of awareness, ex h sent me an email that said:
you will never understand. you have always been so much stronger than i have.  i have emotional baggage that swallowed me whole. 

You are absolutely right about his fear of me finding a bigger Pen!$ than his. One thing I've wanted to say for many months is, "do you really think I can find a bigger d!ck an you?" 

I agree about the fear and weakness aspect. Mine told me a couple of months before he moved out that I was always so much smarter than him. I didn't understand, at the time, what he was really saying...he's one of the most brilliant men I've ever known. Except I am smarter because I'm the one to took a hard look at herself and started doing the work necessary to heal myself from my particular issues. He also told me that the whole problem was about his dad's death. I had my own issues with my parents and, again before he moved out, learned to understand and forgive. That's the difference between he and I: I am capable of forgiving and he isn't. He told me that one, too. What he doesn't get is that forgiveness is a decision. We have to heal from whatever our pain is in order to forgive. We have to consciously decide "I don't want to haul this around anymore because it's doing me no good". It takes a very brave person to truly forgive the things that have been done to us, I think, but its possible and necessary if we are going to live a fulfilling life.

I've told him I've forgiven most of what he did. I would like to tell him I've now forgiven all of it just as I've forgiven her for her role in the destruction of my life. I'd like to thank him for what he's done because as awful as it's all been, I'm a much better, happier person.

[terrified_in_TN]

You are absolutely right about his fear of me finding a bigger Pen!$ than his. One thing I've wanted to say for many months is, "do you really think I can find a bigger d!ck an you?" 

OMG!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Thank you!  I needed that!

-Terrified

[terrified_in_TN]

READ educate yourself and then google healing from narcisstic abuse and see if you can relate.. It' rare in women but it does happen.

  I hate to say it but thankfully (or not?), I really cannot relate to this in our past relationship.  Although she is full on narcisstic now, it doesn't fit.

  I guess the problem I have is, in my mind...she is a BIG TIME accommodater.  I think I read somewhere chameleon would be a good description.  She has always done what has been expected of her, and tried to do what she thinks will please other people, or make herself look good in front of other people.  Another comment that I will never forget before she left:  "I am tired of always doing the right thing.  I want to be a bad girl for a change."  If you saw a pic of OM, mission accomplished.

  Anyway, the thing that made her want a divorce (but it was probably just an excuse, maybe any excuse would have done?) was when she went back to her hometown (OM lives there), her family thought something was odd.  She was acting like she was on vacation.  When I told w's sister the WHOLE story, and confessed to my wife, she got PISSED OFF.  I imagine because I ruined her "good girl" image that she has had all these years.  Ironically, she had also told me before she left that "I want to be able to tell people its MY life, and I am entitled to my own mistakes.  You either accept me for who I am, or you don't".  I guess I "pushed" her wishes too far, and she wasn't ready yet.  Anyway, THAT is when she "screamed" in a text "I want a divorce"-when I told her sister the entire truth of the demise of our relationship and that she had left me for OM (which sister knows and thinks he is pond scum).

-Terrified

[Medusa]

TNT, the whole "good" I,age is pretty common. They don't want to admit to the world that they left us for someone else. Mine and I agreed that separation was the nest thing and that has morphed into me throwing him out. When my idiot BIL took mine to task for what he was doing, he was pissed beyond belief that I would tell BIL. I didn't: I told my sister.

Remember that they know what their doing is wrong and they are am harassed by it. Mine once went off about how he looked like a "buffoon". Hey buddy, of the shoe fits...!

Mine was also an accommodator who always had to do the right thing to please others, etc. I also got that he was tired of doing the right thing including taking care of other people. That, of course, is why he became a knight in shining armor for OW.

Don't try to make sense of it. Every time you think you've got it figured out, you remember something completely contradictory. Believe nothing they say and half of what they do--and good luck figuring out which half to believe!