[Neo]

The many different personality aspects of an MLCer is definitely one that can twist your mind into knots trying to figure them out. I believe it is a potent cocktail of many issues that have been manifesting in them from their childhood trauma. Fear, abandonment, depression, low self-esteem, weakness, communication problems and the list could go on and on. The simple fact is that it is a very complex situation that the MLCer finds themselves in which, much like a black hole, pulls in everything around it. We being the most loved in their lives, just happen to be too close to the event horizon and get to experience the pain of being ripped apart as they disappear into the darkened abyss of the life that is spinning out of control.

From many of the posts I have read, it certainly appears that men who go into MLC, seem to stick around their wives more than wives sticking around the men, who they have left. It may have something to do with the whole freedom aspect that was talked about earlier in the postings or is it because women tend to become emotionally involved so much quicker than men do? Especially if the woman, has technically "checked out" from the relationship, at least in her mind, sometimes months or years in advance. Never telling their partners anything about how they were feeling or what was making them unhappy. Another explanation is that women tend to have depression at twice the rate as men, so maybe, the depression causes them to "shut down" more fully than men do?

Just postulating, other thoughts are appreciated.

 

[in it]

IMHO there has to be a balance in the personality. And the pedulum swings way left and maybe even right before it comes back to some kind of center.

If she was always the good girl? Her urge to not be overode everything..same with the good guy.

In my situation MONEY played a huge part he inherited and became God. He was always an @$$hole. Never a thought or care or anything much for me. It was his image he was concerned with more than anything.

I'll say this much I did feel sorry for him. That's not love. But real care or concern are no small things.

[Dji76]

My W was much like terrifieds for 2 weeks after bd. Her ea was discovered and it seemed to send her into full blown crisis. He broke off communication with my W which seemed to send her into a really bad place. She immediately put herself out there for any and all. She told me just last week that she has realized she simply can't "make a connection with anyone". So here's my insight based on my situation... Most MLCers are depressed and self medicate prior to bd. The "addict mind" gets a rush from the chemicals flooding the brain during the affair. This causes them to believe THAT is love. For those of us in long relationships of course that hasn't happened regularly in a long time. I believe the depressed addict is drawn to the high those chemicals create.

All of this is just a chemical distraction from their normal life which they believe is causing their depression. They don't have the tools or skills to process what is going on and make an intellectual decision. Like any over drug addict they are chasing the next high. As for the women seeing it as freedom, I would agree that is how my w feels. She has said as much to other people. I think she misplaced fitting herself into the role of mother and spouse that she chose into me being over controling if that makes sense?

To summarize, I belive it has more to do with the affair for those that have one. It's a temporary escape from the depression. That kicks everything off and then an endless pursuit of that high follows. My sitch may be a little different as the EA was out of the picture about 5 weeks post bd. I think that really f'd up my w even more. She left her husband and kids for this guy who then vanished on her! It probably would have been "better" had that R played out. Now it seems like she's on the lookout for someone to complete the process with. Problem is she's having a hard time finding an emotional connection with another man.

Sorry to have rambled, should have taken more time to organize my thoughts...

[in it]

No it's ok it's a discussion and most of us understand what you mean..ramble away.

Once the ex was done with her.. it was on to being a rock star..which didn't pan out either.

[Neo]

I agree that there has to be balance in the personality, that is one of the fundamental laws of nature. Nature is always trying to strike a balance. If there is an imbalance nature takes, sometimes dramatic steps to bring things back into balance.

This is what I believe is going on in the minds of MLCer's, there is a titanic battle being waged in their minds between fear, depression and weakness. Fear of not knowing who they truly are. Depression due to lack of self-esteem and no love for themselves and weakness because they can't face any of their demons.

[terrified_in_TN]

I think Dj and init are both right.  I guess sometimes I confuse myself because...well this whole situation is confusing!

I recognize my faults in the demise of my m, and I understand the wife needed adventure and emotional stimulation that I was not providing.  I was concentrating all my efforts on erasing years of bad financial decisions, and what did it get me?  To a place where financially I'm in a good place, but about to be ruined anyway.

Balance is key.  Maybe in my w's case, that pendulum has swung way over to the other side.  I do hope one day it does come to rest at center, whether I'm in the picture or not.  Oddly enough, I haven't been exactly balanced either, but through this process am becoming better balanced.  SSSlllllllooooowwwwwwwllllllyyyyyyyyy LOL

-Terrified

[onlyjo]

hi all
more interesting reading...
thanks again LL for starting this thread!

Medusa:

We have to consciously decide "I don't want to haul this around anymore because it's doing me no good". It takes a very brave person to truly forgive the things that have been done to us, I think, but its possible and necessary if we are going to live a fulfilling life.

completely agree.  what i found so OFFENSIVE about this whole mess, is that ex h WOULD NOT DECIDE.  i kind of understand about the whole MLC thing and not being able to think and process rationally, blah blah blah. 

the fact of the matter is that ex h was deeply invested in victimhood and projection and blame and just plain WEAKNESS.  he DECIDED NOT to turn toward our marriage (mostly good, some bad, but from my perspective, imperfect but good), he DECIDED NOT to do the "right thing", he CHOSE to abandon his family (he doesn't see it that way), he CHOSE to become involved with a married woman and particiate in the destruction of not one, but two families. 

i got all up in his face one time and told him how OFFENSIVE it was to me that he acted like he had nothing to do with any of these circumstances, like he was a feather in the wind or something--like this $h!te "JUST HAPPENED"--i do, however, think he was being somewhat honest when he did say "it just happened"--which makes me all the more convinced that there is a lot of truth to the whole MLC thing--BECAUSE HE WAS SO SCRIPT...
uuuuugh. 

WEAKNESS, FEAR, AND VICTIMHOOD...forget it!  i choose to find joy every day by living a life that's full of integrity and generosity.  of COURSE he's TOO WEAK to look in the mirror.  especially NOW, after he's perpetrated all kinds of $h!te on (for lack of a better word) innocent parties...he was TOO WEAK to deal with his own $h!te prior to destroying 2 families, i can't EVEN IMAGiINE that he's even CONSIDERED doing the work he would need to do in order to "face his demons"--he quoted this to me once, and guess what?!?!?!?  now i AM one of those demons--ha!  not really, but i gotta get a laugh when i can...

ex h and his OW can have their weakness, fear and victimhood together...i wonder if it's like how two negative numbers multiplied yield a positive number--if you put all the $h!te from both ex h and ow (all their FOO issues, all their deceit, all their BAD CHOICES, all their "poor me-ing") into a bucket and stir it up, will everything come up roses?  ha!  i can't imagine that, but perhaps stranger things have happened...
onlyjo

[Dji76]

That's exactly right in it! Is that normal?? rockstar is exactly how I would describe her at the moment. I suspect she needs to find a real affair partner to move along through the tunnel? Did I dodge a bullet??

[Dji76]

Victim hood, low self esteem/worth, indecision all present in my W as well

[in it]

Yes..they will go down every tunnel they thought they missed in their teens and twenties. Whenever they suffered the most emotional damage. I figure he was about 17 at the time of first BD...his band thing maybe he's gotten to his 20's by then...he was borderline sociopath by the time he kicked me out...What age? I have no idea... I have no idea what he was thinking when he shoved me hard enough for me to end up at the hospital. He'd lost control of the situation.

This guy has a good voice but he's no front man too afraid he might make a mistake.So the band thing was again a fantasy.

He acted like a real "he man" one day and said " The only way you can hurt a man is in his wallet" What an @$$hole. I hope his money makes him happy now. And keeps him warm this winter.

Yes you did dodge a bullet stay away from her and heal. Sometimes givng someone a second chance is like giving them another bullet because they missed you the first time.