[confused_but_trying]

I agree that there has to be balance in the personality, that is one of the fundamental laws of nature. Nature is always trying to strike a balance. If there is an imbalance nature takes, sometimes dramatic steps to bring things back into balance.

This is what I believe is going on in the minds of MLCer's, there is a titanic battle being waged in their minds between fear, depression and weakness. Fear of not knowing who they truly are. Depression due to lack of self-esteem and no love for themselves and weakness because they can't face any of their demons.

This pretty much sums up what I believe my w to be going through based on things she said to me at BD and things I noticed during our relationship.  She is afraid of "missing out", depressed because of "her situation (being stuck) being MY mother, of her lack of self esteem (big time factor here), etc", and she is weak, as you said, because she cannot face any of her demons.  My w prior to this was never narcissistic; she was very much the opposite.  Her sister told me not long after BD that she had gotten so full of herself that she couldn't stand to be around her.  So strange.

I suppose my situation is a little different in that I am almost 100% positive there was no OM prior to BD.  I currently believe that he now may be out of the picture.  Are there any "scripts" for women suffering from mlc that didn't have another man prior to BD?  Everything I have read indicates an affair leading up to BD.

[Dji76]

My w was narcissistic prior to bd. Others couldn't stand it but I saw it for the facad that it was... A cover for her insecurities. Just like bct my SILs can't stand to be around my W because she is "so full of herself". She even describes herself as "powerful" now.

[in it]

There is a healthy balance of narcissism in self esteem and when people we thought loved us simply don't for whatever reason we tend to take it personally.

I don't profess I've reached the level of not taking all that's gone on personally... it's pretty difficult not to.

The family I had apparently thought I was a doormat. Too kind, too accommodating, trying to hard on my own to save the family. They didn't realize that kindness and compassion and caring are not a sign of weakness. My return garnered no respect.

The ex viewed my love for my children as obsession..which isn't true. So he turned them againest me. He thought that would kill me..but it didn't.

So he devastated the family by bringing the exow in and divorcing me. Assaulted me. Then turned my children againest me.

I told the oldest D (who he actually persuaded to swear out and order of protection againest me which was dismissed) I would have both her and her father arrested if they came near me.

  I'm  standing- for me.

Am I the b!tc#? Maybe.

IMHO My dark side has been revealed to them in a little rough justice. 

[Medusa]

the fact of the matter is that ex h was deeply invested in victimhood and projection and blame and just plain WEAKNESS.  he DECIDED NOT to turn toward our marriage (mostly good, some bad, but from my perspective, imperfect but good), he DECIDED NOT to do the "right thing", he CHOSE to abandon his family (he doesn't see it that way), he CHOSE to become involved with a married woman and particiate in the destruction of not one, but two families. 

Exact same. It "just happened". I consider both of them reprehensible.

 

This is what I believe is going on in the minds of MLCer's, there is a titanic battle being waged in their minds between fear, depression and weakness. Fear of not knowing who they truly are. Depression due to lack of self-esteem and no love for themselves and weakness because they can't face any of their demons.

Yep. Having been fortunate enough to live with one that is self-aware, I can attest to this being the case (with mine at least). he said he doesn't know who he is, anymore. He recognized depression to an extent but wouldnt do anything about it. he went to counseling for a short time but quit, supposedly because it was too expensive (I believe it was because he was getting too close to those demons and not ready to deal with them.

They are in the process of growing up. That's hard for us to accept because they should be grown. But as In It said, they need to go down tunnels and experienced everything they think they missed before they can understand the problem is them and start taking responsibility for themselves. If they ever do.

And for me that is the saddest part of all of this...there is no guarantee they will ever come out of the fog.

[terrified_in_TN]

Its amazing to me if you really think about it.  As a guy I am a pretty logical thinker.  In my case also...I gave the wife and ultimatum, and she CHOSE to leave to pursue R with OM.  But if you ask her that, it wasn't her fault.  She doesn't see it that way either!  She can't accept responsibility for her own decisions.

I can't remember what thread it was in or who said it (I think it was in it), but they mentioned for the first year post BD they were so convinced their spouse would wake up.  That was scarey for me to read, because 4 months post BD that is where I am.  However, I am trying to convince myself no matter how many bread crumbs w left me before separation, she is going to be one of those to "get stuck", and never come out (rough childhood).

I do have to ask for those that have knowledge...what impact does divorce have on any possible r in the future, if any?  I told w I consider d the "nail in the coffin", but I don't discount the possibility of a future reconnection.

I know sounds an aweful lot like I am waffling back and forth...I am not standing, but honestly deep down I do hope for reconciliation one day, but my gut is also telling me its never going to happen...she is done and gone.

-Terrified

[Dji76]

Divorce is just the end of the contract with the state. It's only the "nail in the coffin" if you make it that. This doesn't mean you will reconnect, doesn't mean you won't. I'm sure you have read that 10% of divorced couples remarry. Move on and live a good life. i think MeNow has a great outlook on how to handle the situation after divorce, He seems so calm about it all.

[LisaLives]

Divorce is just the end of the contract with the state. It's only the "nail in the coffin" if you make it that. This doesn't mean you will reconnect, doesn't mean you won't. I'm sure you have read that 10% of divorced couples remarry. Move on and live a good life. i think MeNow has a great outlook on how to handle the situation after divorce, He seems so calm about it all.

I don't think we know that they move on and live a good life.  I know people who have divorced and remarried, and divorced again, also.  And I know one couple who D'ed and remarried, but that was a mistake...  D is only the nail in the coffin if you want it to be, but don't be so sure that once you get out of the swamp you will still hope for R.  Just do what you need to do for you, NOW and worry about the rest later...  JMHO, but don't outdrive your headlights, ll

[Dji76]

Yes that was what I was trying to say. Us lbs need to live a good life going forward and let the future take care of itself. I agree most of us would not want the MLCer back once we are seeing things clearly again.

[Medusa]

Yes that was what I was trying to say. Us lbs need to live a good life going forward and let the future take care of itself. I agree most of us would not want the MLCer back once we are seeing things clearly again.

We cannot know if we would want them back once they get through their tunnel. We don't know who they will be any more  than we know who we will be. For me, worrying about the future that far out is wasted energy.

[in it]

If you can manage to stay away from the drama and crazy you get more clarity. Perspective changes if you open yourself up to it.

I've met other people, if you put yourself out there, who have had it tougher than me.

I'm don't necessarily mean another romantic relationship. You have to grieve this loss before you can move on in a healthy manner.