[Anjae]

Sil, my husband also does not sees himself as a cheater. Since BD only happened when he no longer lived home and only after that he started parading OW1 around town, he would say, he were no longer together, and I left.

Not true, it started while he ws still home. Think mine also was with the divorce talk because he did not wanted bo be seen as a cheater.

But, yes, if you haver cheated once, you're a cheater. Or a former cheater, maybe.

[Stillpraying]

One of the qualities I admired in my H when I met him was his honesty (or so I thought).

I have now discovered that he saw a prostitute twice during his first marriage.   He told me that after I asked him if he had been physical with anyone in OUR marriage.  Not a very direct response to my question about us

After he left his first wife he very quickly got heavily involved with a person he met with car trouble.

When he met me he failed to tell me he was still legally married.  I discovered this later.

I have no idea now what is the truth and what he has been up to during our marriage.  I do feel for sure that the relationship with OW did NOT start after he left me as he likes to assure us.  I know he left me for her.

[StillStanding]

Yep, Still, people want to be able to change. Not always for the better. OW1 wanted to change, to become a person that would want to be in a relashionship and husband wanted to change and have a new life.

Not always for the worse, either.

Given that there are no way of knowing how our spouses will be when they come out of the crisis, in case they do, thenm, it makes no sense to stay married to them or hoping them to be back. They will not be the person we knew, we may not like them. So, why wait?

They could also be much the same as you remember them, if not better. So why throw away a marriage that you have put so much time and energy into building?

[Anjae]

Not always for the worse, either.

No, but we don't know.

They could also be much the same as you remember them, if not better. So why throw away a marriage that you have put so much time and energy into building?

No they can not. The person we knew had not betrayed, took us to court, lied, took all the couples money, etc. We would never get near a person that had done what our spouses have.

 Well, in my case I have no marriage. I'm just still legally married. Have not even seen my husband in more than 3 years. And life moves on and other people turn up in our life. Why waiting for the end of a crisis that may take many more years if I already have a new life? No point.

[StillStanding]

They could also be much the same as you remember them, if not better. So why throw away a marriage that you have put so much time and energy into building?

No they can not. The person we knew had not betrayed, took us to court, lied, took all the couples money, etc. We would never get near a person that had done what our spouses have.

What "we" are you referring to? If your husband is out the door and filed for divorce, than I don't fault you for wanting to move on. But that's a far cry from advising other people to move on because they don't know what they're going to get at the end of their struggles.

You never know what you're getting when you get married. My life didn't turn out the way I planned when we got married, and neither did my wife's. I was starting my own business and my hope was to be able to support a family; that business never really turned a profit, and went under after trying to make it work for almost 6 years. My wife was hoping to be a mother; she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy to term, and we haven't been in a good situation to adopt. (That whole failing business thing didn't help.) Did she lie to me? Did I lie to her?

[Anjae]

My husband is out of the house for over 5 years. Has filled for a first fault divorce October 2008, is currently filling for the second.

Doubt any of us would get near a person that had done what our spouse have. Except, that, they are our spouses. That we in an abstract we. I'm not telling anyone to not stand.

It is very different a life that does nto turn out the way we wanted than the damaged done by a MLC. And also very different that a business does not go as we would like or that we find out we cannot have children. That is not lying, nor a false promise.

But, if you ask your spouse, is there anyone else and they reply, no, no, and there is, that is lying. Also, lying to a court of law, ]ike my husband did, is a crime. Right now I'm married to a criminal. Not something I want to be.

Well, we do not know waht we get at the end of our struggles. Some people say it makes no difference if one divorces or not and even that, some MLCers only "wake" up when they feel they've really lost the marriage. RCR writes about it. To some, thinking the marriage is really over is divorce.

So, even if no one here is pro-divorce (don't even think there is such thing) maybe sometimes it does not make sense to advice everone to stay married.

Time frames will be different, situations change, each case is a case, there is no one size fits all. Let alone in MLC even if it all very similar.

[Synicca]

ok, I guess Ill jump in here.....since we all know...well, thoughs of you that have kept up with my sitch..

my H has cheated a total of 7 times...2 of which came during MLC Replay...but the 5 others....well, They happened I think
mainly because my H has never felt GOOD enough in life...I think he "expected" himself to fail at our M...His father was/is a
perpetual cheater...his Mother is still with his father...my H KNEW about the PA's...his mother made my H follow his own father
to catch him in the act....I dont think that was very healthy......duh! plus you ad the meth addiction and travel for work..
and putting himself into situations that bring this kind of crap into your life.


I KNOW why my H cheated ( part anyway ) I had stopped sleeping in the same bed with him for 2 years...He felt VERY unloved by me.
I am by no means excusing it...but I understand it...Do I think he will cheat again?? No...I actually dont for the first time ever...
If you can believe that one..I see more regret and guilt out of my H then I have EVER seen in our 24 years together. To me that says
everything.

[StillStanding]

Well, we do not know waht we get at the end of our struggles. Some people say it makes no difference if one divorces or not and even that, some MLCers only "wake" up when they feel they've really lost the marriage. RCR writes about it. To some, thinking the marriage is really over is divorce.

So, even if no one here is pro-divorce (don't even think there is such thing) maybe sometimes it does not make sense to advice everone to stay married.

Time frames will be different, situations change, each case is a case, there is no one size fits all. Let alone in MLC even if it all very similar.

The original question had to do with infidelity and whether once someone has an affair if they can ever be trusted again. I said that there are a number of reasons why people have affairs; some are due to character flaws, others are due to extreme circumstances (and others are due to MLC, which is a mixture of both) and therefore, whether or not a cheater can ever be trusted again is going to depend on the circumstance.

I think you agree with that, but where I say that it can be worth the wait, you seem to be saying it's not.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

Zebras don't change their stripes, so they say. I'm trying to believe otherwise.

People are not zebras.

People change all of the time. You're not the same person you were when you were 15, or even a year ago.

To be fair, people have to want to change, and MLC is preventing that. And there's no way to know for sure what your spouse will be like if or when they come out of the tunnel.

True! lol. Why do people say that anyway? Figures of speech, lol. ( My other favorite is: Misery Loves Company. No, not always. Sometimes misery likes to be left alone to figure itself out so it can learn to be more like happiness and be comfortable amongst company.   I made that up myself but it's true! )


But anyway, I agree, people change. I am definitely not the same person I was at 15 ( to be honest, I haven't changed that much but I'm a little different in that I'm introverted ~ I've really allowed it to affect my life in a negative way ). One of my biggest faults in my relationship was not accepting the changes in him. I just didn't know any better but I do know now and I'm willing to change .

[Anjae]

Well, we do not know waht we get at the end of our struggles. Some people say it makes no difference if one divorces or not and even that, some MLCers only "wake" up when they feel they've really lost the marriage. RCR writes about it. To some, thinking the marriage is really over is divorce.

So, even if no one here is pro-divorce (don't even think there is such thing) maybe sometimes it does not make sense to advice everone to stay married.

Time frames will be different, situations change, each case is a case, there is no one size fits all. Let alone in MLC even if it all very similar.

The original question had to do with infidelity and whether once someone has an affair if they can ever be trusted again. I said that there are a number of reasons why people have affairs; some are due to character flaws, others are due to extreme circumstances (and others are due to MLC, which is a mixture of both) and therefore, whether or not a cheater can ever be trusted again is going to depend on the circumstance.

I think you agree with that, but where I say that it can be worth the wait, you seem to be saying it's not.

Agree with you, a cheater may, or may not be trusted again depending on circustances. A non MLC affair, can, I think, usually be forgived and the marriage saved. A MLC affair can be forgived but the marriage can't always be saved.

Before OW2 and all that come with her, and, maybe even a couple of years ago, after court case nº1, I would be saying it would be worthy to be waiting for my husband. Not anymore. Even because I'm finding more, and more, and more nasty stuff he had done and he keeps lying and lying and lying. For how much longer can a person keep lying? No idea. Maybe forever?....