[LeaveThePastBehind]

a bit over 2 years after BD...honestly, dont go by any timeline...everyones is different...it took my H a number of years b4 he actually left our home...


also, just being honest...if you go back and read my old threads, as well as many other old timers...you will gather soooo much more understanding and strength, read and re read them! You will also see that at a time, we were in the same spot you are. Im telling you this forum was my lifeline!

It will show you just what all we have gone through, and how we have made it to where we are today. most stories are not so pretty, but again they are VERY informative!

hugs,
L

Thank you! I agree, there's no point in following a timeline. I say that even for myself because I didn't really start to work on me, for real, until a short time ago and I'm a little over two years past BD. I've forgiven myself for letting the pain and other issues in my life stop me from living. I'm being patient with myself and searching for the love within so I'll be ready to share it again someday.  

[Mamma Bear]

LveBeingOnHigherGround,  " and that is all of my hard work, dedication and Faith starting to show"        Great quote for me to read today!      I believe in what you are sharing. I am so glad that you are sharing. It really helps.  When I try and look into the future I see ME and MY Ds thriving. My MLCer,  I can see a glimmer of hope that he'll figure this out. Without my help.. or ONLY my help from the sidelines cheering him on  

[Love being on higher grounds]

SG and MB,

Thank you, and I am glad it helps. Im not on nearly as much as I used to be for obvious reasons and it really saddens me to check in and read all this negativity.

When I came over here, the last thing I needed was more downers! I was one tough cookie to get through to, and I will say it a million times over, because it may help just one more person!

hugs,
L

[LearningIamOk]

I think there is always a glimmer of hope as long as the LBS hasn't given up and moved on.

LBOHG, it is amazing that they become unglued when they see us having a life. I am only 8 mos in and my H will stop by unannounced when he thinks I am here. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not. I have a life outside of all this drama. I was staying with Mamma Bear and her D's in Aug in a resort town. My D28 called me and told me H had stopped by the house and asked where I was. D told him I was "whoring it up in Wildwood".  Mamma and I and OMR were hysterical laughing. OMR and her D's joined us.

This is a true illness and it takes time to recover from it. If you have the patience and aren't in financial jeopardy, you can get thru this. But everyone is different and has different tolerance levels. But as long as you have a pulse, there's always hope.

[Anjae]

Thanks, Thundarr. I'm not a bad person at all. 

Your H MAY not take years to come out of this as some seem to exit rather rapidly when it starts.  Who knows, if the D ever makes it to being final that may be what wakes him up.  Wouldn't that be ironic?

Well, yes, it would be ironic. And I think that is what will happen, husband will start to wake up when divorce become final.

One of my uncles passed away today so I've notified husband. He promply sente is respects to be and My family. I thankes. That was it. He always replies,a and is civil, if the matter is a death of a relative.

Still, if I'm not mistaken RCR had not been on this for as long as I am. Also, she was younger than I was when it started and, of course, she is still younger than I am. Given I wanna have children, well, can't keep wating for husband to come out of the fog.

And yes, this thing has started to weathering me down. Way tooooooo much.

If everything happens for a reason, then, the way I'm feeling right now about my standing, marriage and not to want tio be married to husband anymore must also have a reason.

I did not go for any timeline for many years. Until it got to the point when it was: if husband is not out of it by time x, well, I want to have children, so, my working will be towards that, not keep waiting for husband.

Love, I did not like any of the other sites/foruns. They are all very rude, do not have enough information and are not helpful.

Yep, the more we learn about MLC the more we understand, the more able to make an informed decision we are.

Also, again, if I'm not mistaken, RCR speaks in her articles about how it is very hard to recover a marriage if huge financial loss is caused by the MCLer. That is the case with me. The damage was to big.

The irony is that it was this forum that made more, and more aware of being done and not wanting to keep standing for the marriage.

Still, and why should one want to work with the MCLer on a life that gotten broken? Forgiveness and wanting the marriage/spouse back are not one and the same thing. That, I think, is also on RCR articles.

another thing, the now/new me would not want the husband that existed prior to BD. He does not suit my current needs. I've changed. I no longer want the man that existed before MLC. MLCer husband, of course, does not meet my needs. Post-MLC husband, no idea. But I know who meets my needs and it is not pre-MLC husband nor current husband.

Hope this makes sento to you all. 

[LearningIamOk]

Post MLC spouse is exactly why we Stand. We don't know who is coming out of the fog. Do we like what we will see. Who knows, but it's the curiosity and the potential that it will be someone we will like keeps us going. Do you stop living in the mean time. OH HELL NO.  I am the GAL queen here. Once I learned to live life things began to be better.

I have a darn good life outside of the M. I have no interest in dating and I will NEVER get married again. There is no need. I have my kids and don't want anymore. Do I miss the companionship? Of course I do. That can be replaced in time.

AnneJ, I don't think anyone here believes you to be a bad person. But you are coming off like Eeyore. You don't like the situation you are in and would like to move on. I think everyone can relate to that. But to me you still seem conflicted. You are still so enmeshed in the drama that you keep coming back here trying to justify that you want to move on. WE GET THAT. We support your decision. It's what you want or so you say. If you were confident in that choice, you wouldn't be restating it so many times. It's like you are trying to convince yourself.

Just do what the articles tell you to do. DETACH, GAL, LIVE AS IF.  Go find your brass ring. Your H may come looking for you after the D like Inthisforthelonghaul's H. NOTHING IS WRITTEN IN STONE. But please, for your own sake, embrace life. It can be a great one despite the pitfalls. It's all dependent upon what you do with it. Find gratitude. Go do some volunteer work. GottaBeMe's H left her destitute and in ill health. She finds joy in baking fabulous cakes. Forthetree's H's dog bit her and complications have caused her to have MS. She finds joy in cooking  and writing songs.

As OP says, you have been given the GIFT OF TIME. It is a limbo where you take the time to find YOURSELF, in spite of your H. You get to choose your path. So finalize the D as quickly as possible and get on with living. You could die tomorrow and all of this will have been for nothing.

[Anjae]

Learning, no conflict. It is just that it looks like most of you want me to save my marriage no matter what. Many of you are religious and think a marriage must not be broken, except, maybe for domestic violence. I do not like divorce but recognise that, sometimes, it will happen.

Well, I've dated, I will date again and will remarry.

I've detached so far that it got me cold. Totally cold and allof towards my husband. Had to made a real efford to find some affection for him. Not trying to convince myself of anything. Decision was already made.

Post- MLC spouse is not why I stand. At least not any more. I stand for me. Post-MLC spouse may be a very interesting future friend or acquaintance. May even like post-MLC crisis husband, but he is still in MLC (that no one knows when will be finished nor how he will be) but I've found who I like.

Divorce finishing is not upon me but husband. He was the one who started fault process number two. On our law I have to contest what he claims, I can not speed it not end it. I can only, if, like fault process number one, it ends closed, start divorce on my own.

I have moved on, but I am still legally attached. That is the situation I do not like. The gift of time, like I've said before, is wonderful, until it turns into too much time. When you've had the time, moved on but are still married it becomes a bad thing.

[WarriorPriestess]

Learning, no conflict. It is just that it looks like most of you want me to save my marriage no matter what. Many of you are religious and think a marriage must not be broken, except, maybe for domestic violence. I do not like divorce but recognise that, sometimes, it will happen.

Well, I've dated, I will date again and will remarry.

Anne, I don't think anyone is telling you to stand for your marriage if you are done.  It seems like you are being supported in doing whatever is best for you.  But most people are on this board specifically because they do want to stand, they do choose hope, and do not want to be discouraged in doing so.  I believe that is the point being made, that we all want to be supported and encouraged in our choices, whatever they may be.

[Anjae]

WP, when I first started to read the forum, and then join it, I also was standing and had choose hope. Hope brought no practical results. I have a lot of hope for myself and my live but no longer for my marriage.

I do not discourage anyone from standing. I've done it myself. But each of us change, things change. Of course they can change back again.

I don't feel unsupported but I do feel a bit attacked because of the change that happened since I begun to post. Maybe that is because no one else has gone through it this way?... Maybe some have and had went back to standing for the marriage and again have hope for the marriage. Would like to hear more if someone have been throught this sort or process.

OK, I think it is fair and save to say that, at this point, I have given up on him.

[crazyforhim]

LBOHG...I love that fact that H gets worried when they don't know where we are.
Wish H knew that I was out more than I am. He drops by the house cause he keeps ladders and other work stuff that he doesn't  have room for at his place. Just drops by never tells me he is coming by. Like they are checking up on us.
Wish OW knew all of this stuff