[LeaveThePastBehind]

How true do you think that statement is, especially in regards to a mid-life crisis situation, once it has ended of course? I'm sure there's a broad spectrum of scenarios such as if they were always a cheater anyway, etc. How concerned are you that they will cheat again, if they ever do return?

[StillStanding]

The problem is answering that is that there are multiple reasons why a person would be unfaithful, even without taking MLC into account.

There are people who think that relationships aren't intended to last forever; when they find themselves "falling out of love" with their spouse, they go looking for the next one. Maybe they saw siblings or parents or other family members get divorced. Narcissistic personalities would also fit into this category.

Still others may have addictive personalities; they may get hooked on the thrill of illicit couplings, or suffer from sexual compulsiveness.

In "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley, the author shows example after example of people who are in a relationship where their particular needs aren't being met. The unfaithful people are not necessarily cheaters; the whole thesis of the book is that if your spouse is not getting their needs met by you, they will find a way to meet those needs.

There is no way to guarantee that your spouse will not cheat on you again, just as there was no way to guarantee they would cheat in the first place; however, I think that honesty, respect, and forgiveness are three key ingredients in preventing further affairs.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

"There are people who think that relationships aren't intended to last forever; when they find themselves "falling out of love" with their spouse, they go looking for the next one. Maybe they saw siblings or parents or other family members get divorced. Narcissistic personalities would also fit into this category.

Still others may have addictive personalities; they may get hooked on the thrill of illicit couplings, or suffer from sexual compulsiveness.

In "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley, the author shows example after example of people who are in a relationship where their particular needs aren't being met. The unfaithful people are not necessarily cheaters; the whole thesis of the book is that if your spouse is not getting their needs met by you, they will find a way to meet those needs."




I'm afraid this describes his cheating / leaving better than MLC does. Sometimes I feel that calling it a Mlc, is denial in itself and that spending time here is making me a little bit delusional. He was unhappy. I have to face that. Being here, though, is helping me figure it all out for the benefit of me.  

[Mamma Bear]

  I feel that my H is not a cheater by nature.  He wouldn't dream of it. That is how I knew something was wrong.  The A was just part of the list of symptoms or band aids he is using to ESCAPE and AVOID.  That's all.  I think if he ever wakes up and comes to his senses he is going to be shocked by what he did and how he justified it! Plain and simple! 

[StillStanding]

I'm afraid this describes his cheating / leaving better than MLC does. Sometimes I feel that calling it a Mlc, is denial in itself and that spending time here is making me a little bit delusional. He was unhappy. I have to face that. Being here, though, is helping me figure it all out for the benefit of me.

But if that's all it is, there's actually more room for optimism. MLC is a whole 'nother set of issues to deal with. There's a lot you can do to start making changes in your relationship that doesn't even require him to take part.

I would recommend The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca and The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I think there are positive, relationship-strengthening strategies and tips regardless of the situation.

[WarriorPriestess]

I'm afraid this describes his cheating / leaving better than MLC does. Sometimes I feel that calling it a Mlc, is denial in itself and that spending time here is making me a little bit delusional. He was unhappy. I have to face that. Being here, though, is helping me figure it all out for the benefit of me.

Either way you are right SG.  Being here is for you, and it is all about YOU! (Not the MLCer, even though they think so lol.)  And we like having you here as well. 

Regardless of whether he is a MLCer or WAS, your actions should still be the same, I think.  I agree with StillStanding.  There was just a long thread about that on this board too.  The Divorce Remedy is awesome, and I just ordered a copy of The Solo Partner.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

I'm afraid this describes his cheating / leaving better than MLC does. Sometimes I feel that calling it a Mlc, is denial in itself and that spending time here is making me a little bit delusional. He was unhappy. I have to face that. Being here, though, is helping me figure it all out for the benefit of me.

But if that's all it is, there's actually more room for optimism. MLC is a whole 'nother set of issues to deal with. There's a lot you can do to start making changes in your relationship that doesn't even require him to take part.

I would recommend The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca and The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. I think there are positive, relationship-strengthening strategies and tips regardless of the situation.

Thank you! I'll see if I can get these two books from my sister, the Librarian.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

I'm afraid this describes his cheating / leaving better than MLC does. Sometimes I feel that calling it a Mlc, is denial in itself and that spending time here is making me a little bit delusional. He was unhappy. I have to face that. Being here, though, is helping me figure it all out for the benefit of me.

Either way you are right SG.  Being here is for you, and it is all about YOU! (Not the MLCer, even though they think so lol.)  And we like having you here as well. 

Regardless of whether he is a MLCer or WAS, your actions should still be the same, I think.  I agree with StillStanding.  There was just a long thread about that on this board too.  The Divorce Remedy is awesome, and I just ordered a copy of The Solo Partner.

Thank You WP!   I'm so grateful for this place and I'm happy to be here, too.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

  I feel that my H is not a cheater by nature.  He wouldn't dream of it. That is how I knew something was wrong.  The A was just part of the list of symptoms or band aids he is using to ESCAPE and AVOID.  That's all.  I think if he ever wakes up and comes to his senses he is going to be shocked by what he did and how he justified it! Plain and simple! 

Mamma Bear, it's good to hear that Papa Bear was not a cheater by nature.   It sounds like he'll be right back to his normal self and no worries for you, at least about cheating, when / after he returns.

[Anjae]

I don't think my husband is a cheater by nature (even if we are all capalble of cheating). Never had any suspicious before. However, given the degree of lying, going behind ones back, of knowing how to do things and they can spend a lot of time not being cauth, that even if they are they live and nothing seems to happen to them, I'm not sure if they will not go for it again.

They have already done it, walked away with it. They know how to do it. MAybe the only way of them not doing it again is if they loose everything. Otherwise, if they are just allowed back to us, well, they are going to think, no consequences. Unless, of course, it was so terrible they want to forget it and never go back to it. But...