SG,
I don't know if you've been around long enough to have seen my whole story, but my W and I separated during the first year of our marriage and I had an affair with one of my best friend's W's. It is what I'm least proud of in my life, but I feel that I served my penance and she forgave me. She had given me permission beforehand as she knew I was feeling I married too young but I still feel it was cheating. Her sister (who, coincidentally, is married to a guy who cheated on her profusely around that time but hasn't since and she ended up cheating on him as well but they are still together) told my W "once a cheater, always a cheater" also. Well, that was over 18 years ago (right around this time of year also) and I haven't so much as touched another woman since. In fact, I'm so adverse to cheating that I would feel too guilty even going out with someone now and my W and I have been separated for 3 months!! Affairs are symptoms, and unless a person has learned to devalue relationships and use sleeping around as a coping skill (when sane!) then they are often learned from and do not become a behavioral pattern. My BIL hasn't cheated in over 16 years that I know of, and my SIL had her one affair that lasted a month or two and hasn't had anything happen since that I am aware of.
I haven't read your entire story Thundarr. Thank's for adding all of that here. I'm not the best at responding to these types of topics ( even though, I asked the question, lol. It's all so
involved but I want to say that I understand what you're saying. It's stories like that that I want to hear because I want to believe that there's hope. I really feel in my heart that
he had a lot of issues with his past and his biological father who left, etc. I don't want to believe that
he is a
cheater. I can't even stand that word. I hate to even type it. It makes me nauseous.
Yeah, I was wondering if cheating could be some type of personality trait. In that case, a cheater will always be a cheater then, I think. It's pretty hard to change personality.
We're back to what I said at the very top of the thread.
There are certainly personality types that are prone to cheating; narcissistic or borderline personalities need admiration or attention and are prone to risky behaviors.
It could be a matter of upbringing; if you see everyone around you getting divorced or having affairs, you will probably grow up with the idea that marriages just don't last and that you need to "follow your heart". (It's also likely that you can reject those experiences and choose to seek a lifetime commitment.)
But there are also people who merely succumb to temptation or are driven to cheat by circumstances that they would ordinarily not otherwise. It's certainly a moral weakness or lapse in judgment, but is that a necessarily a personality trait, though?
If cheating is a symptom of something else, like mlc or other issues in a partnership, then I'm positive they can change if they want to and won't need to be labeled a cheater forever.
Why do they need to be labeled a cheater? Why do they need to be labeled as anything? If you get to label spouses as adulterers or cheaters, do I also get to label you for your weaknesses and failings? One of the biggest obstacles to overcoming infidelity in a marriage is actually the willingness of the betrayed spouse to forgive.
I know. I wrote and walked a away for a bit but then I thought, to myself, that isn't really what I meant to say, exactly, ie. cheating = personality trait. It's true, it depends on so many experiences in life. What I meant by
personality trait was..... actually, I was thinking about his personality... he's very
open-minded to new experiences, meeting new people and he adjusts to situations and environments easily
. He's a
free spirit. Very
carefree. I guess I picture him as someone who, deep down inside, doesn't want to be with one person ( me ) forever. He gets board easily. I guess, I'm confusing all of that with
choosing to do something immoral ie. cheating. It's not the same thing. I hope that makes sense.
Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?
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