[stayed]

OOOOOOOOOOOoo long haul, not sure there was anything FAST about us getting to where we are now... I'm thinking fast is not a good word for the process we have been enduring lol

hugs stayes

[In this for ME]

Yeah no kidding.... I keep thinking I'll be better next year and living months in the future hoping this empty feeling I have goes away.

 I doesn't matter where you're at in this journey. There's a lot of pain if you move on; and a lot of pain if you go back. And it all takes a lot of time.

[stayed]

So, so true long haul, hehehe... hugs Stayed

[Silmarion]

So...

We don't feel we are 'behind' yet we don't feel we move too fast either....what about IS?  Insightful Spouse?  Could be us or MLCer as time goes on?


Sil x

[Anjae]

also feel that my relationship with my children is strong and moving forward, whereas he does not realise how much he has lost with them - time and bonding that he will NEVER get back, because he felt that shagging a desperate young gold-digger from the office (and living with her) was more important than working on maintaining a constant and meaningful relationship with his children - trying to work out the marriage so that the children could have him in their lives was not an option for him. If he ever realises what he threw away, I suspect that that aspect of it will be amongst the hardest damage to repair. If he never figures it out then I feel terrible that I chose him to be their father. He was not the man I imagined he was and they have always deserved better than what he has offered in the last couple of years (which is not much).

Not regarding our children, we don't bhave any, bur regarding our nephew, the other children of my family (husband does not know any of them but one, they born after he left) , and both our families, I think husband is missing a lot. Time, bonding, seeing the children grow, my siblings and cousings becoming parents, funerals that were attended, what makes a bif family a family. He will never know that, never lived through it.

That, the experiences the MLCer lacks as a member of the family is one of the reasons why I think, specially if a long time goes by and the MLCer is a vanisher, it will be very hard to rebuild a marriage. The spouses took very different aways and the MCLer lost contact with a side of life that will never be possible to catch up.

There will always be a huge gap between the LBS and the MLCer, with the scale up on the LBS side.

[kikki]

Yes I agree AnneJ.  The longer this takes with the MLCer out of everyone's lives, the more likely you are to go your own separate ways. Makes sense.

[Anjae]

Yes I agree AnneJ.  The longer this takes with the MLCer out of everyone's lives, the more likely you are to go your own separate ways. Makes sense.

Yes it makes. Not what, at first, a stander is expecting, but that is the likewood.

[Silmarion]

As I'm understanding this, the LBS moves - sometimes forward, sometimes backwards.  The MLCer however, may not (I say may, 'cos it is fair to say that not all MLCer's remain stagnant as I guess some LBSer's will not feel movement and will def feel left behind).

I feel the sadness of the loss, as mentioned here, which is irreplaceable. I cannot change my H or rescue him from the losses.  By being aware of the loss, I sometimes feel even further ahead than my H as he is unable to connect to loss at this time.   


The 'lighthouse' analogy RCR gives, fits for me here.  Because I have moved on, I am literally, lighter.....what about Light Bearing Spouse?

For some, this will not fit as they might feel responsible for their spouse - maybe it's just one I like!!!?      and tomorrow,  I might have a very different result for the acronym.

For those who want to move on - Leaving Behind Spouse? Don't know, just thoughts. 


Sil x

[kikki]

Sil, as I understand it - as long as we are learning our lessons and facing up to ourselves and the things that we need to heal, then we move WAY ahead of our spouses.  They are stuck in replay most of them - escape and avoid.  They aren't learning a thing.  We start rejoicing if they even have one small insight into their bizarre choices. 

The learning and moving forward for our spouses (if it happens) is much further down the track ...
That's why we need to be the lighthouse - showing them the way in their dark

[Anjae]

Sil, as I understand it - as long as we are learning our lessons and facing up to ourselves and the things that we need to heal, then we move WAY ahead of our spouses.  They are stuck in replay most of them - escape and avoid.  They aren't learning a thing.  We start rejoicing if they even have one small insight into their bizarre choices. 

The learning and moving forward for our spouses (if it happens) is much further down the track ...
That's why we need to be the lighthouse - showing them the way in their dark

Sil, agree with kikki. When he are deling with our lessons, healing, even if we move backwards sometimes (and we all do), we are moving forwards. When we process what happened, understand it, manage to process and digest it, we become wiser, more mature, more compassionated.

Our spouses are not learning anything. They are just in replay, runnig while they lead what my look like a fantastic life. They don't stop enough to learn, they do not let any space ans silence in. My husband had told me, during and after OW1 that he could not stop, otherwise we would had to think. He wrote OW1, before BD, that if he though about what he was doing, he would not be able to do it because it was agains his values. So, he choose to go with his heart.

After OW1 and before OW2 come along, he said to me that OW1 had been bad timming and not a good idea for solving problems. By then he still thought problems = me, the bad spouse. Don't think he had learned a thing. OW2 did not took long to come into play and he went on to live a merry crazy deep replay life, plus doing even more desastruous things.

But, kikki, when they are vanisher they do not see us. They cannot see the light...So I say...And, in my husband's case, he is not done with replay, far from it, has not yet done enough damage, let alone hit rock botton. So, a million miles from learning, moving forward and catching up wit me.