[Love being on higher grounds]

ok, Heres another one...

c'mon everyone, it is one thing to have questions and concerns...but this is out of control!

How about we head back to the basics that are posted ALL over the board and take our attention AWAY from the alienator, and put it back onto ourselves and our children?

2x4 me if you want, but maybe I am the first of many that is speaking up...

hugs,
L

[Rookie13]

L, Not sure what you mean? There are legitimate questions here that go through our thought process that we must deal with everyday. Just as much damage from all angles.

The alienator is 50% of the problem and 75% of the hurt?

What do you suggest? We are here to get it ALL out of our system and to try and make sense of all that is happening.

If people feel this thread is worth responding then so it be. There are hundreds of threads that fits everybody's mood at different times.

You want to control this one because it doesn't fit your mood? Hmmmm

[Love being on higher grounds]

Rookie,

I do not want to control anything. I know there are some valid points and concerns, however many seem to be allowing themselves to be consumed by them...

I am, and will continue to suggest that everyone start at the beginning...READ all of the info, let it sink in, and merely try to accept the process...

I say this because I was where alot of you are, had these same things not been repeated and repeated again to me, I would probably still be there. The sooner the attention is taken away from the alienator/affair, the easier it is to care for yourself and your children.

The affair is going to take place and there is nothing that can be done to stop it...there can be things done to prolong it, and obsessing and trying to "figure it all out" will do just that...Think how all of the MLCers would just love being observed so closely...leave them alone, let the process take its course...

put the energy and effort into better places...we will NEVER be able to make sense of it all...

hugs,
L

[crazyforhim]

LBOHG...totally understand where you are coming from.

I think we all KNOW what we have to do...actually getting there is the hard part.
So I get the part where we come on here and go over the same things over and over again...but in my sitch I can read EVERYTHING (once, twice and three times) process it but there is something about hearing it from people that makes it more real for me. And the more you come on here and hear it and then hear it again is more about processing than reading articles..

So your advice is soooo true but I'm just putting in my two cents...sorry!
I could hear things 100 times cause it makes me feel better!!! I know that sounds obsessive but if it makes us feel better
than easier to move on.

[limitless]

Crazy,
I am a bit confused by your post.
Does it make your feel better to learn and read about the alienator?  I guess I just don't get that.

When I came to this site.....I believed that there was no alienator.  That my H just got tired of being with ME and left.  He hid it so very well.  It took months to find out that there had been one (even if it had only been in HIS mind).  It appears that didn't work out.  So, he just searched for another one.  Another crash and burn...so I think he is on number 3 right now.

What does that tell you?  It isn't about the alienator....it never was.  He thought he was so in love back in March of 2010 that he set up a plan to leave his family.  Here were are at the end of 2011, that alienator is apparently out of the picture - and he just finds new ones.  It's about Replay - running - avoiding.  That is why the alienator is of no importance.  He/she could be gambling, working, drinking, drugs - etc., etc., etc.  It is merely a method to avoid looking within....because he/she isn't ready to face the true issue(s), yet.  It is only through running and avoiding and learning that these tactics do not work....that the MLCer can hit rock bottom and come to face his/her true issues.

Yes.  The Infidelity is one of the most painful part of MLC for the LBS.  There is no denying that.

I just do not see how reading about and commenting on the alienator would make us feel any better.  We can all fantasize about how terrible she is......what a terrible mother.....that she has no moral values....that she is needy....pushy.......etc.  RCR describes all of this in the Learning about Infidelity article.....and how the alienator is an "affair down."

This is part of the process.  It hurts me to think of my H with another person.  It really does.  Deep down inside I worry that she is "better" than me to him in some way and he will never return.

But, if I truly trust and believe the process that is MLC - I know that my H has deep issues that he must deal with.  He is truly incapable of having a true and honest relationship with ANYONE at this point - even ME.  So, I have to let that go and work on living my life.

I hope that all of us have gotten this "alienator" stuff out of our systems with this and the previous thread.  I think it is time to put the focus back where it belongs....on US and our families.

I agree with Love being on higher grounds on this one.  I've been a slum lord and allowed the Other women in my H's life to spend way too much time in my head.  I need to let that one go, now.

Trust the process......these "relationships" seldom, if ever, last.

Hugs,

Limitless

[Mamma Bear]

Love being and Limitless,      Hey when you're right you're right. Stop making sense. Stop being the voice of reason.  LOL!
    I think, for me anyway,  about 5 months ago when I was only 3 mos post BD I read where an LBS was reading her Hs cellpone texts between ow and H.   She was really shedding light for me on WTF???    She went on to say how teenagery the texts were. ie  : "Miss You My Love....When you're not here I am lonely...Without you I am nothing...Later we'll meet for dinner...LOL LOL"    She went on to describe even more teenagery texts really sounding like little brains talking to each other.
  Since I saw my H every day for 16 years before his rapid departure I know what he looks like and acts like everday. Before BD. Since BD I am clueless except at pickups and drop offs of Ds.
  When I read back then what this LBS wrote about the texts I was relieved. It helped me wrap my brain around how my sad puppy dog H suddenly snapped at, growled at, bit at and ran from ME.    On the worstest of days (and we've all been there) the one thing I can't grasp is H sitting on a couch with another female human and doing ANYTHING, never mind the nasty!!  LOL...Reading those texts so many mos ago gave me a certain level of comfort. A snapshot into the mind of a desperate MLCer. (redundant)
    These ones on here not so much. I was getting confused.  Yeah, if we can be real strong musclemen and women we'd put OW in a box and sell her at a yard sale.

[Rookie13]

See  your point, L and others. Anne and I were basically talking about the children. And moving on. And Time helping us as we have been at this for quite sometime.

Sorry, I do have a problem with the way my ex is raising the kids. I don't have a problem with her choice of OM as I know my ex is not well.

I DO think it is ok to truth dart the ex when her misbehaviors involve the children. I'm not the sitting back type and just accept the damage she is causing them. Any advice from any of you on what to say or do as S8 says she allows OM (who she has known for less than 3 months) to sleep in the same bed with them when they wake up scared at night and go to her for comfort?

This is not about other man as he is a puppet, this is about the kids and their well being in the mind and her allowing this kind of behavior. All comments welcome.

[Mamma Bear]

Good One Rookie, I like it. OW/OM are puppets. We don't want to be lumped in that category. No puppet Lighthouses allowed.

[Dontgiveup]

The alienator is not the problem.

The marriage is not the problem.

Here is a piece from RCR's article Midlife Crisis Takes Time
"For many experiencing this crisis in their marriage, there was no bad marriage. Though nothing is perfect, many problems were not significant enough to warrant danger. The problem is the Midlife Crisis."

[Mamma Bear]

 But don't tell them they need to figure it out for themselves not from our co-dependent mind frames