[Rookie13]

Thanks DGU and Mamma, it is the crisis and that I am sure off. My ex even went as far to say that I am just mad that her BF likes her kids AND her. I did not react to that one iota. laughed it off actually with a family member.

I know her BF will "take" what he wants from her and ditch her. Not many people are willing to raise someone elses little ones.

There is a history though where her mother found exactly that. Divorced her dad for her dads best friend who was a drug attic/alcoholic and drug dealer! Poor girl at 9 saw all walks of life coming in  and out of her home!

Looks like she is mirroring her mom.

[kikki]

Healing on our journey is like the layers of an onion, sometimes we come around and heal another layer - deeper and deeper each time.  For many of us, information is vital to help us understand, make sense of and then move forwards - enabling us to detach again.  We all cycle too.

I completely agree that the focus should not be on the OW/OM, but I think some of the people who seem to be struggling the most with this at the moment have these people thrown in their faces, or there is cause for alarm regarding their potential interaction with their young children.  It is easy for those of us that don't have this concern to dismiss this genuine problem  - it is part of our journey to ensure that our children are safe while their other parent is filling their own selfish needs.

I feel extremely fortunate that I'm not in this position.  Our three kids are older, and have made it very clear that they have no interest in meeting the OW or having anything to do with her. 

We all know not to mention the OW, engage in any dramas, or give them any energy at all.  I guess from a Quantum Physics perspective, thinking about it and understanding it all is giving it energy, but most of us seem to be able to detach more when we reach a level of understanding, and are then able to focus on us and our kids again.

We all know that the OW/OM is not important - they're merely a symptom of the crisis - but don't we wish that lemonade ice-blocks were the most public and hurtful symptom of the crisis instead? - then I think we'd all have a much easier time dealing with it ...... the fallout and impact on our kids would be enormously reduced.

Some days it is going to plain hurt - other days - not so much or even not at all.  It takes us time too, and we don't all go at the same speed. Maybe we should allow each other the same grace that we do our MLCers
hugs to all

[Love being on higher grounds]

HI all,

I so get the concern for children that are placed in the middle...I have 2, who when this started( or I should say when H moved out) were only 5 and 8...I know it is very hard, heartbreaking and frustrating!

What I did, and I know it isnt an option for everyone...I kept mine to myself. I did for myself and for them and RARELY got a break. It paid off though because the harder I made it for them to be exposed in ANY way...the more worn out on arguing about it my H became...sooner than later, he gave in, and it was no longer an issue...

What did become an issue in turn then was that OW was extremely jealous of time my h spent with his children...created all sorts of issues between them, but I really didnt give a damn...

Like i said, I know this isnt an option for everyone, but be creative in how you do things, you could tie things up for a while...

hugs,
L

[kikki]

Hi LoveBOHG
That's fantastic that you managed to do that with your kids being so little - your H can't have dragged you through the courts

Technically, my H probably could have insisted that our younger two see him if he had taken that pathway, but luckily he didn't - despite many threats, and the boys stuck to their guns, and I too insisted that he come here to see them.  It's a hard haul isn't it, having the kids 100% of the time, but I am glad that I managed it too.

We too saw the impact of the OW spinning out with my H spending time with his kids away from her - the stress of juggling all of those balls brought on his panic attacks again

hugs

[Rookie13]

LBOHG, I hear you. I didnt have the option you did. Imagine if you had those young ones and you were in crisis. My ex has physical custody and is in what I would call a very bad MLC. ( some say their MLCer are milder).

I have asked her for custody but she is in no way ready to give up the "good mom" label.

My two eldest also do not speak of, want to meet him and are very disappointed in their mom. Believe it or not I have let a lot slide with the ex concerning the kids as I can only pick the toughest battles ( Like "do not let other men sleep with my children"!) They took the kids to a circus and a pumpkin fest and I told the ex "great! I am glad they are getting out" and I meant that to her.   

I do not think anybody else on this site is having the same problem with children as I am as most of you are woman and have custody of your little ones so although my point is a heart ache it does not "register" with many.

Other than that my ex can have him and he can have her. They outta play fair though, I mean he is not in MLC right???

[Anjae]

Anne, do we all think it's strange that the MLCer can go years with out divorcing us? My ex waited over 2 years herself and carried on with "dude" #1. Divorced me 11/10 and was done with dude #1 2 months later??? Your H is on his 6th  year and 2nd OW but does not divorce you??? What the hell is OW thinking??

He tried. With a fault divorce against me. But he could not prove what he said the reason for the end of the marriage was. Of course he did not told the court the truth. My lawyer and I just let him do all the work to prove what he claim. He could not, case closed, he remained married. He is trying, 20 months after the first time, for the second time. Used a hook in the law for this second one, however he also used a false address. He can not prove he lives where he says he does not prove the reason he, again, presents for the end of the marriage. Law around here is a little messy and courts are slow.

I'm enjoying the show.

My guess would be that OW2 is going crazy with all this. Or is very sorry for him. No idea what he told her. If he can lie to the court he can lie to anyone. Maybe she does not want to loose him, maybe he does not want to loose her. Who knows?...Sometimes people believe what they wanna believe.

"We all know not to mention the OW, engage in any dramas, or give them any energy at all.  I guess from a Quantum Physics perspective, thinking about it and understanding it all is giving it energy, but most of us seem to be able to detach more when we reach a level of understanding, and are then able to focus on us and our kids again."

Agree with kikki. Engage in the drama is not good. A did it a lot of it durig the first 6 months of OW1 and bit until she was gone. It just wasted my energy. But, weirdly, it did not put husband away. It was when OW2 come along, and a conjugation of his fault divorce filling and my NC, that we stopped talking to each other. Also, weirdly, with OW2 I was never around, never said a word about her, never made husband a question about her, zero, and she is lasting far more that OW1. Looks like when I left him alone and stop naggin/asking he vanished and grab to her like there was no tomorrow.

But, like kikki, I think we need to reach a certain level of understandment. That allow us to bring the focus back to where it belongs, us, and for those who have children, the kids.

[Love being on higher grounds]

Rookie,

I feel for you, as I cant imagine that battle!

If you seek out Ready to Fix Myself First...he has custody, but he is a wonderful person to speak with, and he is also a man! LOL...

hope you are able to feel a little better being you have found all of us!

Hugs,
L

[Rookie13]

Thanks LBOHG, I am just trying to get her to "see" some things that may not be moral or may have some effect on the kids.

Other than that I am doing pretty good. I have followed READY's sitch as well as DGU( no children) Rebell Yell, who has custody, Thundarr who also seems to have custody. Funny thing is on the "other site" I was on first it was mostly men and almost all their MLC woman "abandoned" the kids to the men.

My ex basically for the first year while she still lived here, left the kids with me while she was out on weekends and she didn't lift a finger here. She took the little ones ( although I know she would never admit it, for financial reasons as S5 gets a decent disability check every month). I actually believe to some extent that most woman leave the kids behind as to protect them from seeing their behavior more than abandoning them but the jury is out on that.
 

[Rookie13]

Anne, playing ring around the rosie huh! lol. I tried my best to put off the D but in my state it doesn't take much. I even dodge the sheriff for a few weeks and my company would not allow him on the property! Lol, basically no fault state divorce.

I was just curious as alot of people here are not D and I wonder why the OP doesn't pressure more? Could be that they are just satisfied with the way things are (OP, i mean) or the relationship hasn't hit that status yet. Mine threatened divorce right after BD! lol

[Love being on higher grounds]

that is great! Im glad you found a few men.

One of my best friends, from the time a was a child, is going through something similar...

His wife seems to have gone off of the deep end...right back into her twenties...

They have 2 children, 4 and 5. At first she made him leave the family home, however after seeking legal counsel, he moved right back, and until it is all legal he will not leave his children. He is going for full custody, and will most likely get it. He went as far as to hire a PI to show exactly what she was doing and to be able to prove it all. It is sad, but I guess it will be for the better.

Keep posting, we will listen and try to help if we can!

hugs,
l