[limitless]

I remember reading on one site that MLC - the serious Mid Life Crisis - where the MLCer abandons, has affairs, breaks up families etc. happens to about 8% of the population.
While that would be a significant number of people, I am beginning to wonder if this is an understatement.

Case in point - my workplace.  I have chronicled the story of MLC man at my office.  Five years later - he has finally ended it with OW#? and appears to be on his own - attempting to reconnect with his kids.

Now - two more cases have crept up.  Another co-worker - male - married for 23 years - 3 daughters.  Youngest daughter graduated from high school in June 2011.  Immediately after that his wife (someone I have known - prior to their marriage.  We had kids at the same time.  Spent much time together as families) - decides that she no longer wants to be married and leaves the family home.  Initially, she took all the blame.  It's not you, it's me.  Later - after speaking to their paster (she works for the church) - she admits that it is her husband (my co-worker).   Now, it seems that she is "involved" with another man (who goes to the same church), who has 2 young sons.  She has begun divorce proceedings.  My co-worker is devastated and completely shocked at these turns of events.

Next case - one of my male associates.  Married - 3 kids.  Oldest Son is his wife's from another marriage - but he raised him as his own.  About a year ago - his wife tells him that she is not happy and drops the "divorce" word.  They go for counseling.  My associate makes huge improvements in his attentiveness and kindness.  Spends more time with the kids and wife.  Counselor is about to "let them loose" as the concerns my assoicate's wife had have all been addressed by my associates.  Guess what?  He now gets the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech.  She wants to separate.  She isn't interested in being with anyone else (right!) - she just wants to be alone.  One Son (associate's biological Son) may move out with the wife.  Daughter hasn't decided.  Oldest Son (he's an adult and NOT my associate's biological Son) wants to stay with my associate. 

My gosh, this is an epidemic!

My associate knows my situation.  He knows what the ILYBINILWY speech means.  He seems to be better prepared than the other co-worker. 

How prevalent is this?  I recently visited an LBS - and during our visit we discussed many of her friends and friends' spouses who either had an MLC, was having an MLC, or was an LBS - from an MLC situation. 

From my own situation - I am more aware of these situations and the causes.....so I can see these for what they are.  In the past, I would have just chalked it up to "bad behavior." 

In all of these situations - the MLCer has put very little thought into where he/she will live, how he/she will support themselves, what will happen with the kids, etc.  The same running and avoiding (with no real plan) that I saw in my own situation.

Have you really ever thought about how many people you personally know or know of with lives that have been impacted by MLC?

Limitless

[ziggee]

I believe that it is rampant.  I know of tons of people who have split up and I dont have details of the situations but I am currently of the thinking that most of them might be at least a mild case of MLC.  I also wonder how much of the resulting divorces are because people are marrying later and as such by the time a couple hits mid life the 20 year history in many cases does not exit.

I am also postulating that much of this has to do with A) Materialism of our current society. B) Womans lib not that I think the concept is a bad one... but the prior relationship between man and woman took at least hundreds if not thousands of years.  Now we have tossed it all out the window in the space of 50 years and people dont know how quite to make it work yet.  Men dont know how to be men anymore and woman dont know how to be woman anymore. 

Dont get me wrong here I am all for equal rights for everyone... I just dont think we have quite figured it out yet.

Me.

[NewBeginnings]

Hi L ~ I personally have 4 friends going through it right now.  Also another friend who went through it 10 years ago.
3 of these friends are females who H's left for OW.    The other two friends are females who left their H's and kids.

For some reason, it seems like since the economy has gotten so bad, there are a lot more couples splitting because of
affairs.   Both my Dr. and my Attorney told me they hear this every day, couples splitting.  It's really sad. 

NB

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I believe that it is, absolutely.  But the problem is, it isn't recognized as such.  People say once a cheater always a cheater so the offended spouse will throw away decades of an excellent marriage because they figure, "They're off enjoying their freedom and won't be coming back, and now I can't trust them even if they did come back."  How many could've been restored if not for this hasty thinking?  Who can blame the offended spouse for this way of thinking when nearly everybody around them is going to be constantly shoving it down their throats until the ink is dry on the divorce decree?  I know for myself, I haven't ever thought I'd put up with what I'm currently putting up with.  If I were not convinced I someday will have a great new husband (the old one but the "new" version) I'd be done.
I believe that our MLC problem is going to be a long one yet still a temporary one, and it keeps me going to concentrate on that fact.  I hope I'll stay positive through the process.

[ziggee]

I believe that it is, absolutely.  But the problem is, it isn't recognized as such.  People say once a cheater always a cheater so the offended spouse will throw away decades of an excellent marriage because they figure, "They're off enjoying their freedom and won't be coming back, and now I can't trust them even if they did come back."  How many could've been restored if not for this hasty thinking?  Who can blame the offended spouse for this way of thinking when nearly everybody around them is going to be constantly shoving it down their throats until the ink is dry on the divorce decree?  I know for myself, I haven't ever thought I'd put up with what I'm currently putting up with.  If I were not convinced I someday will have a great new husband (the old one but the "new" version) I'd be done.
I believe that our MLC problem is going to be a long one yet still a temporary one, and it keeps me going to concentrate on that fact.  I hope I'll stay positive through the process.

The things that have taken place over the last 6 months of my life... I would have never believed I would "accept".  Well I dont accept them... but you get my drift I think.  Which is why I think this is such a great place for me these days.  People who have not felt it, have not tasted it can not give objective advice.  All they know is they would not put up with it and a year ago... I would have said the exact same thing.

[kikki]

Dont get me wrong here I am all for equal rights for everyone... I just dont think we have quite figured it out yet.

Ziggee - I agree with you completely - we haven't got the balance right yet at all.  I too think that this contributes.

I also agree that until it happens to you, you have no idea how you'll react.  I too thought I would never tolerate such 'bad behaviour' - This site is a god send. 

[ziggee]

Dont get me wrong here I am all for equal rights for everyone... I just dont think we have quite figured it out yet.

Ziggee - I agree with you completely - we haven't got the balance right yet at all.  I too think that this contributes.

I also agree that until it happens to you, you have no idea how you'll react.  I too thought I would never tolerate such 'bad behaviour' - This site is a god send.

There is something else I think that is a factor... much of the crap that is on TV does nothing to build the value or importance of marriage relationships are devalued... look at the current batch of reality shows about finding a bride... how stupid is that...

Me.

[kikki]

Yip - society and pop culture have a lot to answer for!

Ziggee - I love your by line about one never feeling alone 

[Chrysalis]

I agree with what everyone has said.  I never thought I would have put up with all the terrible things that my ex has done to me and still hope that there might possibly be a future for us if he can come through it all as the 'new improved version'!  Most of my friends and family think I should just move on and find someone else.  Maybe I will but I can't just let sixteen years together go so quickly.  I would have said exactly the same as them to anyone before all this happened to me.  That's what is so wonderful about this forum.  You can say things without people thinking that you are weak, stupid, mad or possibly all three!

My sister keeps saying that a leopard never changes its spots but I'm pretty sure her first husband went through some sort of MLC many years ago when they had been married for twenty-five years.  He had an affair with a woman at work, then left my sister to live with OW when she found out.  OW went back to her husband when he got cancer.  Ironically, my brother-in-law was then diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.  He and my sister got back together and she nursed him for the few months before he died. 

I do think that TV and films portray marriage and long-term relationships as very disposable with very few consequences for everyone concerned which really can't help.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I also agree that until it happens to you, you have no idea how you'll react.  I too thought I would never tolerate such 'bad behaviour' - This site is a god send.

My pride has been taking a total beating ever since BD.  First, my H talks about how he's not been happy for YEARS.  Next few months are spent taking every chance he can to be sure I'm aware I'm the big mistake of his life.  Months after that are spent showing me it would be so easy to just replace me and find true happiness, whether with some other woman, or with different hobbies, or living in a different area, with friends, etc etc etc.  I spend this time looking in a mirror and dissecting all my many flaws.  "Well of course he's not happy, when's the last time you colored your hair, woman?!?"  I would have thought this would all make me toss him out but thankfully I've decided hangin' in there's worth it.