[unbroken]

I think it's really hard to know when its going to "take."

What I want to know is what people think about MLCers who return even if it doesn't "take."  Can we predict who might be back for good?
There are people on here whose H's have been consistent throughout that they don't want a relationship and have never really returned - although they also haven't divorced.  What to make of that?  Then there are people whose H's seem to keep coming back.  RCR had an MLCer that came and went 8 times. 

I would like to think that once an MLCer has shown a desire to return over and over that it is just a matter of time before he figures it out.  But I have no evidence of that.

One thing he has said a lot - and it usually comes out with a bit of a pained expression - is that he's "trying."

One interesting thing, Wondering, is that my H feels comfortable around me.  Even during this when I feel like the whole thing is nails on a chalkboard, he will say that he has enjoyed the weekend or that he has found the time fulfilling. 

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

As you know, my H never left physically but he surely was mentally gone.  He returned mentally some time ago though is still in MLC.  This phase is actually harder...or maybe its just different...

This is what I'm dealing with.  My H only left physically on "trips" and just hinted at never coming back but did both times.  I know that he has returned mentally because he is not denying he was a different person.  Part of Monster was him insisting that "this is him so either accept him or stay away" blah blah blah.  But yes he is still in a crisis.  I see him go running from one idea of "happiness" to another at full speed.  He will not look inward at truth.  He won't get back into church and he hasn't put his wedding band back on.  I just wait to see every day whether progress is made or regression takes hold.  I've got hope!

[stayed]

I'm not even sure I'm in a reconnection/reconciling phase but it sort of feels that way. Something is different.
Quite honestly Wondering, I didn't know for sure either.  He said he wanted to be there, he wanted our marriage, I had to go with that and see where it led, if anywhere.

Although I feel like his heart is not 100 percent into it, his heart is not out of it either. His trying seems genuine.
I felt the same way.  It was so hard to tell if his HEART was in it.  I actually think, he just couldn't believe I could ever truly get over this.  That he had caused too much damage.  Strangely though, I think he was prepared to take "whatever" I would give him.  He just didn't want me to leave.  If all I could do is be with him but never give him my heart and love again... it was like that was ok with him... Just don't leave him.  Not sure that is very clear, but that is how it felt... like he didn't care just as long as I stayed near him, that was enough.  Felt sort of desperate.

It's not just me. I can feel he is comfortable with me too.  My husband too.  Strangely, so was I.  I felt calm although I found it confusing and sort of contradicting.  But both of us, loved being together.

I'm really looking forward to this trip in two weeks to make new memories and not have all this anxiety and OW stuff between us like last year. I sort of like the newness of this. A possibility to make a better partnership that is more equal and less dependant.
Good for you, I expect that is what will happen too.

Someday I hope we both find peace with it or some sort of feeling that it won't likely happen again. I only want to see, someday, that he has some undersanding of what he went through or what he worked through and that I can wait a long time to hear.  I don't want it swept under the the rug but I can see why you have to wait for quite a while to get some sort of awareness.
Somehow, I doubt it will be swept under the carpet.  There is something extremely BONDING about surviving this Wondering... I would be surprised if you don't find out exactly what I mean.  Please though, keep your expectations exactly where they are now.  I never let my guard down for 2 full years.  I was just too scared.  He knew it too which I think kept him gently persisting and continuing to win me over.



hugs Stayed

I hate to admit this Wondering and initforthelonghual, I am not sure I will EVER be able to give ALL OF MYSELF to my husband again (or anybody actually).  He has worked very hard to have all of me, but somehow I feel it is truly best to NEVER give ANYBODY that much of myself.  Does that make sense?

[wondering]

Stayed, I get that. I will never give all of me again..I think the lesson is we were never supposed to.

I also feel very comfortable around him and it does sort of confuse me. I mean, I certainly don't trust him yet but I trust our time together if that makes any sense. I will keep my expectations at zero. But I have hope that we have a chance to explore the possibilities. I sense that hope in him also. I think that I can live with it if it doesn't work, knowing that we tried, we changed , grew emotional, maybe that no stone was left unturned. 

LIW, I don't know if one can know if this time it will take, if he or I are ready. It's a chance we take. I guess I want to live my life without regrets. If that means a take a chance and get hurt again so be it. I feel like no matter what I'll come out stronger in the end.  I've learned  alot and I have you guys to vent to. It's worth it to trying and I have more tools in my toolbelt this time.

[stayed]

Stayed, I get that. I will never give all of me again..I think the lesson is we were never supposed to.

Wondering, that was one of the lesson I felt I was suppose to learn as well.  hugs Stayed

[In this for ME]

I hate to admit this Wondering and initforthelonghual, I am not sure I will EVER be able to give ALL OF MYSELF to my husband again (or anybody actually).  He has worked very hard to have all of me, but somehow I feel it is truly best to NEVER give ANYBODY that much of myself.  Does that make sense?

Yep makes perfect sense and it SUCKS!!!!

And I was truly hoping that wouldn't be the case.

The physical trust I had in him is soooooo totally devastated; it may get better but will never ever be the same and that is the loss I suffer greater than anything.

 I was NEVER (even having been through two previous marriages and other relationships) as giving of myself physically as I was with him and it makes me SICK to think he did those things with a skank like her and I know he did because of how he is that way.

Now I know for me the esctasy I felt once upon a time will never return.

 Trust him? -yes I trust he will never ever get involved with someone else again so I'm very confident in that respect; but the damage is done. And no amount of whatever he could ever do or say will bring me back to that level again.

We struggled so hard with that part of our relationship to begin with THEN for him to get involved with a prostitute turned ow is just so humiliating and makes me feel so inadaquate I can't see where any amount of time will get me to feel that uninhibited again.

I know I'll wonder if he said the same things to her or my biggest nightmare is I'll say things or do something that makes him think how much better she did it.  I guess maybe if I'd been spared a few of his remarks like" The sex was incredible!!" and "She really knows her way around a mans body!!" (and a few other's I can't bear to type) I may not have been wounded so badly.

He does that puppy dog thing with me too- I'll hear him ask the girls "Where's your mother?" Like he has to know where I am every minute- and it's sweet but it doesn't cut it.

[stayed]

in this for the long haul, I actually wasn't talking about the PHYSICAL side of our relationship.  I honestly don't ever think about OW in regards to what she might or might not have done with my h.  Can't say I really care, to be completely honest. 

I was talking about emotionally.  I don't think I will ever allow myself to give the trust and love I gave my h.  I definitely know, I will never ever trust anybody like I did before this happened.  That poor little angel got slayed good.  Love, well I love him a lot but I have learned that love without mutual respect is meaningless.  There is nothing more disrespectful then infidelity and betrayal.  My h has had his one and only MLC/infidelity/betrayal/deceitful/lying/cheating episode with me. 

I now know, Love is a choice and if anything like this ever happens again, then I shall exercise my right to choose and it will be to walk. Everybody is entitled to one MAJOR screw up... but two... no way.

hugs Stayed

[In this for ME]

in this for the long haul, I actually wasn't talking about the PHYSICAL side of our relationship.  I honestly don't ever think about OW in regards to what she might or might not have done with my h.  Can't say I really care, to be completely honest.
Well I can hope I can reach that level.

I have no problem trusting him again emotionally. I can love him the same as before and I'm not worried one bit about it ever happening again.

There is nothing more disrespectful then infidelity and betrayal.  My h has had his one and only MLC/infidelity/betrayal/deceitful/lying/cheating episode with me.
And I have a HUGE AMEN to that statement; he'll suffer worse than he did with her if he ever does something as profoundly stupid as this again and I have promised him that.

 I know he's where he is with me because he wants to be and so am I with him.

Only time tells if it's going to work. Right now honestly nothing feels right for me; even being with him. It's just that being without him feels worse.

[WarriorPriestess]

I hope to be on this thread too soon!  Well, at least eventually... 

[Synicca]

You will WP....I just know it...

I think we need to bring more positive energy into our lives... Be aware of our moods...

I am finding that I have alot of calmness in me....even dealing with OW way off in the background..I don't feel any bad energy
from this...I am seeing more forward movement from Honey....but I also know that he may get Leary of things and back off
some. I am so in tune with him right now...I can practically read him moment to moment..

Tomorrow he is supposed to be going for a bike run with some friends...and I am waiting to see if there will be an invite for me to go with him. If not, I know he will need some time to himself. and I will go do something else for me.
 
he called me by his pet name for me this morning.... That was nice.

One thing that I have noticed....is he is starting to SEE that he is HERE...I had unpacked everything and he is noticing it..LOL
its taken him 4 days to notice I have clothes in our dresser...hahaha and Then said..."oh I see you have moved in" I got this meaning moved into the MB...I had my things somewhere else before. anyway.....Then he said "where is OW's things?" and I said in a box...he said " oh ok, gotta make sure I send everything back to her"