[missybuddha]

I have a question, is gaslighting a normal part of MLC behaviour?

(explanation here  http://www.sonderbooks.com/Nonfiction/gaslight_effect.html)

[LeaveThePastBehind]

I'm curious about this, too, although, I dealt with many years of gaslighting, even before bomb drop.

[missybuddha]

well me too up to a point but it intensified a great deal over the last two years . And since BD 1 much increased gaslighting behaviour.

[kikki]

I believe it is part of MLC behaviour.  It's not something I've looked into too closely myself, so hopefully someone will chime in soon who knows more about it.
That book looked interesting

[forthetrees]

Wow, thanks for that url link. My h was a good guy gaslighter, but I have turned off the gas.

[Stillpraying]

WOW, I could really relate to this.  Thanks for the links

If you're involved with a Glamour Gaslighter, you may be nodding in recognition-- yet still feeling confused. You can see the behavior, but you're still not quite sure why it's such a problem.

Well, I can tell you why: At least some--and maybe all--of the time, your gaslighter is completely involved in proving to himself what a romantic guy he is. That's his version of the gaslighter's need to be right. he looks like he's relating to you, but he's really only involved with himself. The actions he chooses to fulfill his needs may seem loving, attentive, and satisfying, but his lack of genuine connection with you leaves you feeling lonely.

I also just read the review on 'The Script'.  So helpful into realising what's gone on these past 2 years of my life and that I'm NOT crazy!  I can look back and see EXACTLY when each scene was played out.  Now I'm just waiting for the last scene to play out.

I'll be trying to find this book so I can read the whole thing but this review was really good.

[Mermaid]

My H is a supreme gaslighter. Everything he has said or done to upset me is "just my perception"

Ages ago I wrote:

The thing that made me maddest was NOT the ILYBINILWY speech, or the "I need space" speech, it was the "OW is just a friend" speech, the denials "I've never lied, I do care about your feelings" and the lies. It felt like gaslighting, like he was trying to make me mad.

He lied about seeing OW "but that depends on your version of the truth" he said "it's not an absolute". Yeah right. I know philosophy too.
He lied about his feelings for OW "she's just a friend" he said, and "I don't see her that much". At one point he was leaving us every weekend, and meet up with her at least twice (all day at the beach; dinners, concerts): Then he had a phase of going out with her mid week. Then I saw what he's written to another mutual friend about being "in love with OW" and that his feelings were so strong. That was just my perception too.
And so on.

Everything was in my imagination, everything was my perception.

Yesterday, I asked him if he wanted to go with me to a concert in Novemeber. He wouldn't commit because something else more important/ interesting may come up (his weekly dinners with his colleagues). So I said that I felt that, although he's home, no longer seeing OW, he never makes me a priority. Guess what? It's just me who misinterprets everything.

Yes, they need to protect themselves in their fantasy, because it certainly wouldn't stand up in a court of law...

But last night he seemed to be trying to listen.

[Freddygone]

I think you made me realise why after being floored by BD we need to stand tall, why we need to detach in orders to get our strength back and feel good about ourselves.
This is an enormous blow and by being here we are showing we have strength that will grow and stand in the face of gaslighting and show it for the sham that it is. We turn the other cheek, but it is a firm cheek.
Make no mistake it comes at you from the alienator too. But you are better than them both together. YOU are a STANDER.
There is no better quality. We do this not just for ourselves but for the family and the institution, for the children, the parents and those stupid 'friends' who know nothing.
By standing you provide some security to a weak MLC, they need this later (I hope). I know the theory, just waiting to see it in practice.

[Mermaid]

Freddygone, this has always been my argument. Now I can say to H that he hurt me, but I now he was hurting so much himself at the time that he couldn't see that at the time. I believe him when he says he didn't intend to hurt me. He was focussed on his pain at the time.


Take the high road...
xx

[StandandDeliver]

Thanks for this, I can see clearly that my H was both a Glamour and a good-guy gaslighter (and of course it was deeply exacerbated by MLC).

I remember sitting in the car with my sister after an argument with H when we were FIRST MARRIED (where he did the mr nice guy routine, making me feel like an unreasonable and demanding person over some issue) saying to her, "no matter what the argument is about, H has a way of making it look like he is always being reasonable. SHe told me then, "he is not always reasonable". So, he had a way of being unreasonable that still made me feel like I was the problem.

It helps me  to make sense of some of our relationship dynamic that I always felt a sense of self-blame about. More and more these days, I wonder why I was so needy that I even wanted someone with all these problems in my life: immature, narcissistic, selfish and gaslighting. I guess it is just that you are always aware of your own faults and you excuse those in others saying, "well I am not perfect, either". But actually, I now think I was the only one in our relationship that ever had the thought, "well I am not perfect either". I think my stand may be coming to an end - H is in crisis, but he was still many difficult things before he entered this crisis and he never admitted to them. I have always admitted my faults, maybe to a fault. Well, I am done with that, I never made a vow to be perfect and I never expected perfection from him. But I did expect loyalty and honesty. They were in our vows. I hope H makes it through and I hope he becomes a better person than he was before - my children deserve a Dad like that. But, I don't think I want him, even with the improvements, he  still encouraged a type of self doubt in me throughout our marriage (ok I should own my own feelings, but as this article shows, other people DO impact how we percieve ourselves in the world).