Hello all ... I found this article recently which I kept to read again ... as so many of my fellow LBS are going through legal processes, and I very well may be myself in the future, I decided to post it on my thread which is on the subscriber side. Some kind person suggested I post it here ... I do not know who wrote the original article, and I know I edited it slightly too, but if anyone knows the original author, please post, so they can take the credit for the article.
It kind of sums up how I feel, although I know that those in the MLC fog would not take any notice at all sadly.
Here it is ....
My way of saying "We can do better". I refuse to tell our children that we just did the best we could, the best anyone could do or the best that can be done.
WE CAN DO BETTER.
A broken family is NOT the best we can do.
If you can look your sons or daughters in the eye and honestly say that you did everything you could to save your marriage and their family, only then it is okay to let go.
Can you?
This is incomprehensibly tragic because it celebrates a completely preventable family catastrophe: divorce forced by one spouse against the wishes of the other. Divorce under these circumstances, especially when the other has been working incredibly hard for years to make things right, is an act of state sanctioned emotional domestic violence. If you are leaving your marriage under these circumstances, despite your spouse's efforts, you are committing an extraordinarily cruel act, with your children watching up close.
This is also tragic because it has no doubt encouraged many people to leave their marriages when they could have saved them. I am not talking about abusive marriages, but ones that are ok -- and with children! -- where he/she didn't feel the passion or where they argued. I know from personal experience how painful that can be, but love is a verb, and he/she needed to work harder, or if not harder, differently. They needed to work on themselves as individuals and on their ability to relate in marriage.
If he (or she) had put all the effort into the marriage that they put into the divorce, he, she and their children would ALL be better off today. Unfortunately, the children, like so many millions of children every year, learned by example that members of their most critical emotional support structure can be replaced, sort of like a worn out car part. This damages their ability to trust in a committed relationship, and means they'll always be vigilantly checking to see if their spouse is looking for the exit. That vigilance will, in turn, damage their ability to develop intimacy. I wonder what you say to your future son-in-law when one of the girls decides she has tried really hard, but finds herself just unhappy, just like Dad, (or Mum) and, calling on the powerful example in the past, decides to call it quits, leaving the children behind?
Once a couple has children, their marriage becomes a healing journey and a karmic test. Couples which fail to heal and fail the test are simply passing the buck to their children and their grandchildren. There is very little controversy about this.
Divorce is a non-stop, broad-based, never-ending, lifelong, multi-generational emotional, mental-health and financial nightmare. Even years after separation and divorce and the damage just keeps piling up. Don't get me wrong - everyone's very polite, but here's one example: several couples we know are taking their children to Europe this summer. We've spent our money on a second residence that we don't need, so we're staying home. Five people don't get to go to Europe because one person decided to trample the rights of the other four instead of looking hard at their own role in the marriage dysfunction.
Let's be very clear - parents' attacks on each other are direct attacks on their children. Saying "Dad loves you but I don’t love Mum any more" (or vice versa) is platitudinous bunk, equivalent to saying to your children, "One of your two key role models is so completely and irreparably inadequate that s/he is no longer deserving of my (your other key role model) respect and commitment, so bad that all future happy family times for the rest of your life are hereby cancelled, and so bad that you will never again be able to enjoy the quiet comfort and warmth of an intact biological family." This message forces children to decide if a) it's true OR b) that the accuser is crazy. Since neither choice is acceptable, the child has a permanent internal conflict that she cannot resolve. Further, since the child is the son/daughter of that parent they think they're made of the same stuff as he/she is, and therefore also possibly so inadequate that their spouse will probably do the same to them someday. This irresolvable conflict creates pervasive, destructive toxic shame. This boomerangs back around on the attacker through the damage it does to their children. Thus, the accuser better be sure the marital problems go way, way beyond unhappiness or boredom. There is so much good know-how out there; find it, and give your children the emotional refuge of knowing that people within families never, ever, ever give up on each other.
What do you think happens to the emotional systems of teenaged girls (or boys) when they see their dad leaving the house to go spend the night with his girlfriend or even see their dad marry another woman years later? It's irrelevant whether the parents are divorced or married. The emotional damage is the same.
What do you think happens to the emotional systems of teenaged girls when they realize that their father would trample anyone to get what he wants or make himself "happy" and thinks that's demonstrating responsibility? What happens to the emotional system of the wife he felt free to leave, when she realizes that she has to co-parent for the rest of her life with someone who would stop at nothing to get what he perceives as rightly his? That kind of person abuses the legacy of no-fault divorce, put in place to ensure that abused women were protected from their husbands.
Family court judges: When couples, especially those with one or more children, appear before you seeking divorce, send them home with this homework. "Husband - ask your wife what you could do to help her be happier, then ask yourself what you could do to take responsibility for your own happiness. Wife - ask your husband what you could do to help him be happier, then ask yourself what you could do to take responsibility for your own happiness." Insist that they report back to you, in detail, about how hard they worked at the homework and what exactly each one asked of the other and of themselves. Just imagine - BOTH members of the couple asking what they could do to make the other happy, while simultaneously working to make themselves happy. Don't you think the divorce rate in your court would drop, a lot, saving a lot of children a lot of needless wounding? You could also ask EACH member of the couple: "What do you think you're supposed to learn from this marriage?" and "What wounds from your childhood do you think make you reactive to the things about your spouse that you wish they would change?" I know you're not therapists, but you ARE the last line of defense for children. How about this as another ritual you could require of divorcing couples: ... Maybe if couples knew they were going to have to pound their wedding rings with a hammer in a ceremony attended by their children, they would, again, be motivated to work harder.
YOU CAN DO BETTER.
Links/blogs/articles for us all to share 2.
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