[calamity]

This woman is a celebrity psychologist, she advises based on letters... and we care?  This letter could have come from a bunch of bored teenagers.
I think people look for opinions that agree with what they want to do; maybe we are doing the same on this board.  I am pretty sure my h would find a therapist, some old hippy who would say, if it feels good do it, man. 

[Dontgiveup]

This so-called "doctor" pretty much tells this woman to go have an MLC

I am not one who thinks someone has an MLC because a "doctor", or anyone else, tells them to go have one.  I think MLC is a deeply individual and personal emotional development phase.

Conscious decision making is not part of MLC—if they make conscientious decisions it’s not MLC. If they choose to not avoid; it’s not MLC.

[Thundarr]

This so-called "doctor" pretty much tells this woman to go have an MLC

I am not one who thinks someone has an MLC because a "doctor", or anyone else, tells them to go have one.  I think MLC is a deeply individual and personal emotional development phase.

Conscious decision making is not part of MLC—if they make conscientious decisions it’s not MLC. If they choose to not avoid; it’s not MLC.

Correct, my friend.  In my haste I worded this completely wrong.  The intended meaning was that the doctor was encouraging MLC behaviors.

[kikki]

I am sorry Kikki misread my entry.
This article does NOT make me angry. It is simply what we have come to expect.

My point was simply that this 'therapist' as also in my knowledge of some solicitors, had (the way I read it) suggested that the spouse was 'controlling'. But also was doing some head patting when really a therapist should try to ensure that the person under therapy was really thinking correctly and was making a proper judgement. Therapy should surely be about ensuring the subject has a clear thought process in place before they make decisions.

I'm sorry for that Freddygone.  On re-reading, I see it didn't make you angry.

My experience, and that of a lot of others with therapy and MLC spouses, is that what they MLCer says IS taken at face value.  They say they had a bad marriage.  They say 'something shifted in their head', they say we were controlling - whatever it is - that thinking does tend to be validated by the therapist.  If there was any inkling that those words came from a person who was not thinking correctly, then there was not one indication of that. 
I sat there with one of the psychologists after she listened to this spiel, and she brightly said 'well, I think you are both fabulous people, but I just want to reiterate that I am not here to influence the outcome of your relationship.  That is for each of you to decide'.  We were in MC at the time.  I thought that was the only way that I would be able to get him to go to a psychologist at first.
I expected that she would be able to read between the lines, and offer help.  But no.  Quite the opposite.

The second psychologist my H insisted he went to by himself and came back announcing that there was nothing wrong with him.

The third, I also went with him to, and when my H said that he was going to be selfish now - she said to him 'yes, I can see that you have always done everything for other people.  Lived your life how other people wanted you to'.
What the?  When I questioned this monster snapped back at me, and I said how out of character this all was. 
My H whined that 'see, we have a bad relationship and my W is very controlling'.  She said, yes I can see that. 
He bolted from the room.  I sat there aghast - and she said nothing to me.  Absolutely nothing.  I too left. 

[Mac49]

Hi all:

I find it sad that everyone, including the psychologist, missed what I consider the true meaning of the story.

What changed (physically, mentally, emotionally) after 20 years of supposed controlling behavior and mental abuse that led this individual to seek counseling. The story is (IMHO) classic projection and blame, I'm surprised they didn't reference how she deserved to be "happy".

Whatever happened to people taking responsibility for their actions?

My guess is the husband started questioning the behavior his wife was engaging in or caught wind of the OP.

Tuesday Two Cents

Mac

[Freddygone]

Kikki,
your experience reflects exactly mine with a Relate councillor.
When I tried to explain that my wife was confused and was in fact controlled by OM (this was before our separation and my wife genuinely wished to break with OM June 2009). This Relate Councillor said 'None sense, this is a woman who has raised two children. She is quite capable of breaking it off'.

I was clearly told to shut up. Now over 3 years later, she can not see friends, must turn her mobile off when she is with him.
But I was controlling?
I must admit my wife did try and has tried 6 times. But has been bullied into initiating divorce. (God they are weak).

But back to MLC and Mac49.  ....My experience with MLC is that the last thing they wish to do is have responsibility for their actions or anything else. They revert to childhood where they lie and lose all the morality that they had before. It is as if they need boundaries and to learn all these things again. They are (some) vulnerable to controlling predators.

[Ready2Transform]

kikki, that is a complete nightmare.  The fact that you're still Standing is such a testament to your character and devotion to who this man is at his core.  I thought I went through headbanging with Hoss' FOO, but that right there takes the cake.

I honestly think MLC is at the least psychiatric, and I think any attempts at counseling amidst them, and this is no offense to counselors, but it's like going to a life coach to treat cancer.  There just needs to be a full spectrum analysis developed that sees the hormonal, biochemical, and emotional picture.  I believe treating any one of them leaves counselors (except in kikki's case - that was just horribly bad counseling) in the dark about the others, only able to treat what is on the surface. 

I think of 2010 and Hoss going to our medical doctor and getting only a small picture (if only he would have gotten hormones tested then!), then going to a psychiatrist for meds who wouldn't discuss his emotional issues, and a talk therapist early on.  He wanted a DIAGNOSIS, but since none of them were in communication with the other, they all came up with something different.  When MLC was in full swing and he then wanted VALIDATION, he went to the FOO, because he knew he would get it there.  MLCers are seeking validation, not a diagnosis.

This woman in the article very well could have been in an abusive, or at the very least unhappy situation not related to MLC where she felt there wasn't an alternative to D, she raised her daughters (this is what I think changed at 20 years; her oldest is 19, youngest 17), and she left.  Most MLCers don't reach out for ideas to start their lives from professionals - they already know, they'll just do whatever they want!  Or she would have already had an OM lined up, as many do.  It is hard to gauge from a few sentences.  But think about if she IS in an abusive M, if a counselor doubted her story, or even asked for the abuser to come in (and many abusers are manipulative charmers who can make people believe whatever they want).  That would be even worse than validating an MLCer - making a victim feel they have no voice. 

Also, my parents D'ed at 20 years, and it was not MLC.  My mother was a serial cheater, and waited until she had a 'sure thing' lined up.  My dad would never have D'ed her.  Not everything is MLC.  Not all women are "eat, pray, love" types by 40, but some may at that point may have moved up in their careers to the point of being able to afford living on their own.  Their children are old enough where custody and/or child support isn't an issue, so it's a cleaner break from the other party.  There can be a lot of other explanations.  Some marriages are just bad.  I find it hard to believe this woman would have sought advice for what to do if she had another person already in the wings.

[Freddygone]

It seems that we are all of the same opinion that these councillors, unless they understand MLC (which is very few) are actually more damaging than a help.

Certainly I felt defeated after our sessions and my wife said they were a waste of time and money. If you get a good Narcissistic OP you have a real problem and they keep the cycling going.

Until OP is out of the picture I think it's a loser. That's my conclusion now. They validate bad behaviour and encourage lies and they want the family broken.

I don't even recognise my wife.

[hobo1]

When I first read this article, my reaction was the same as Thundarr's.  God darn it, this woman is in MLC!

All the signs point to it, and I could even picture my ex writing such a letter.

I think that MLC is much more common than we know and the general public just isn't aware.

Having read through all the other comments, where you guys say perhaps she is not in MLC....  made me reconsider....  not only this case, but perhaps even my xW.....   My ex could have very well be thinking exactly like the way this woman was...  There really was no OM waiting in the wings....  She also says I'm too controlling, with a bad temper, and was not being appreciative....

She too has said she felt trapped (or stifled) in our relationship....  We also were together 20+ years and married for 14 and she also has raised (and is still raising) our 2 children.  She's texted me more than once saying she is so much happier without me... 

It is in fact what she is feeling....  Stifled, controlled, abused

How do you know when it's MLC then? 

   

   

[Thundarr]

When I first read this article, my reaction was the same as Thundarr's.  God darn it, this woman is in MLC!

All the signs point to it, and I could even picture my ex writing such a letter.

I think that MLC is much more common than we know and the general public just isn't aware.

Having read through all the other comments, where you guys say perhaps she is not in MLC....  made me reconsider....  not only this case, but perhaps even my xW.....   My ex could have very well be thinking exactly like the way this woman was...  There really was no OM waiting in the wings....  She also says I'm too controlling, with a bad temper, and was not being appreciative....

She too has said she felt trapped (or stifled) in our relationship....  We also were together 20+ years and married for 14 and she also has raised (and is still raising) our 2 children.  She's texted me more than once saying she is so much happier without me... 

It is in fact what she is feeling....  Stifled, controlled, abused

How do you know when it's MLC then? 

   

 

Excellent question.  If they say and do the same things then what's the difference?  And, if my XW didn't really have one waiting in the wings is she not MLC but rather a woman who reached the age where she decided it was time to move on. Mays she DID plan it for years...