[trusting]

For me, the way I know my husband is in MLC is that he really is truly the opposite of the man I knew for almost 20 years.  He flipped.  I don't that he was pretending to be someone else all those years.  He is truly seeking a new identity and it doesn't right now include any type of recognition of family or the core values he held for 35 years pre-crisis. 

I have heard all those words too - trapped, controlled, blah blah blah.  Script.  One of the things he has said that I have the hardest time buying is when he said I was "controlling." I would probably be hard pressed to find a single other person who knows me in real life who would say that I was a controlling kind of person.

[wondering]

Hobo,   How do we know?...With a lot more information then this article gives us.  Yes,  it can sound familiar with what your wife said about you...but you know the facts.  Did you abuse her?  As in did you belittle her, tell her she was stupid, fat, ugly, undesirable, worthless, bad mother, etc?  You get the picture.  It's one thing for a person to rewrite your history (as in what the MLCer does) and it is another one for a person to have actually lived in a emotional abusive relationship. 

My point is there is too little information from this article to say one way or another.

I used to think I saw a lot of MLC situations since this happened to me but upon closer inspection, it was not the case.  In my life, I only see one true case, of my SIL, who was always happy, wonderful, 4 beautiful kids, then overnight, had an affair, with a  soccer coach of one her her children, divorced my BIL with hatred, cleaned out the house and only left him one towel, one fork, one knife, etc...I kid you not.  Then she had a boob job within a short time and she was in her 50's, turned wild, started drinking and would up dead after wrapping herself around a tree with her car all with in a couple of years.  This was a woman that praised herself on being a perfect mother, wife...personally she looked like a stepford wife to me.  But it was a abrupt personality change after 20 years of marriage.  MLC= identity crisis often with a BD on the spouse that never sees it coming. 

Just my two cents.

[OldPilot]

When I first read this article, my reaction was the same as Thundarr's.  God darn it, this woman is in MLC!

All the signs point to it, and I could even picture my ex writing such a letter.

I think that MLC is much more common than we know and the general public just isn't aware.

Having read through all the other comments, where you guys say perhaps she is not in MLC....  made me reconsider....  not only this case, but perhaps even my xW.....   My ex could have very well be thinking exactly like the way this woman was...  There really was no OM waiting in the wings....  She also says I'm too controlling, with a bad temper, and was not being appreciative....

She too has said she felt trapped (or stifled) in our relationship....  We also were together 20+ years and married for 14 and she also has raised (and is still raising) our 2 children.  She's texted me more than once saying she is so much happier without me... 

It is in fact what she is feeling....  Stifled, controlled, abused

How do you know when it's MLC then? 

Excellent question.  If they say and do the same things then what's the difference?  And, if my XW didn't really have one waiting in the wings is she not MLC but rather a woman who reached the age where she decided it was time to move on. Mays she DID plan it for years...

I would say if what she says stings then that is something you need to work on, or else you will be divorced again.
I am sure she was not without faults either.

I think we are trying to decide between a WAS and an MLC spouse and there is not really that much to decide the difference.
It is like arguing whether Tiger Woods  is MLC or a serial adulterer.
Either way you dont really do anything differently.

We all know that we have faults. Take the Gift of TIME and work on them!

[trusting]

But it was a abrupt personality change after 20 years of marriage.  MLC= identity crisis often with a BD on the spouse that never sees it coming.

I agree 100%.  I think if there were issues we would have heard about them long before BD.

[Ready2Transform]

wondering, I'm so sorry about your sister.    MLC or not, that is a horrible tragedy.

Hoss had a lot of major high energy factors that scream MLC (the only time I waiver is in thinking it's more straight up Bipolar).  The 180 flip is the biggest and was the most confusing part.  I think T, you have again and again listed things that prove how out there your xW is - things she has said to the kids, events that others have seen and told you she is not herself, etc.  As OP said, our roles don't change, MLC or not - detach and grow.  That is all we can do, and it's all we need to.

[kikki]

Freddygone - I'm sorry you too had a similar experience with a counsellor.  We have a thread on here somewhere which discussed this a while back.  I think a lot of us have had this awful experience.

How do we know it's MLC?  Because of the 180 personality change. 

That gets me back to my original point.  How does a therapist know about this 180 degree personality change?  They don't.  They take the words at face value and generally validate them. 
There is NO support or answers for the spouse and children, and it is terrifying. (especially when the MLCer has such a massive 'melt down' as my H did).  He knew he wasn't right, or he would never have gone in the first place. But once there he pulled on that mask and appeared 'normal'.

That is what I think needs to change - this ignorance about MLC and its effects on both the person suffering it, and the family.

I honestly think MLC is at the least psychiatric, and I think any attempts at counseling amidst them, and this is no offense to counselors, but it's like going to a life coach to treat cancer.  There just needs to be a full spectrum analysis developed that sees the hormonal, biochemical, and emotional picture.  I believe treating any one of them leaves counselors (except in kikki's case - that was just horribly bad counseling) in the dark about the others, only able to treat what is on the surface. 

Thanks Ready.  It was a complete nightmare. 
I agree with your thoughts 100%.  If I knew of someone in my scenario - I would expect counsellors, doctors, psychologists and psychiatrists all to be speaking the same 'language'.  What changed here?  Why did it change?  Let's investigate.
My H would actually have been open to it in the beginning if we had encountered the right support. 

After these experiences with the psychologists, I too managed to encourage my H to a GP who did a basic blood screen and ECG because he thought he was having a heart attack (high anxiety was changing his heart rhythm).  This GP was well meaning, but once again was completely uninformed about this time of life.

With the right support and knowledge, my H still may have chosen not to complete the recommendations and chosen to continue to bolt - we will never know that, but at least the boys and I would have had some sort of support instead of feeling completely alone and floundering around while we watched this clinger self destruct in front of our eyes.

I really hope this is what changes in the future, and if so, this sort of attitude that you read of in this article (from the Dr) may then be less common.  Here's hoping.
 

[Anjae]

Thundarr, the article gives little info. There people who really stay in abusive and controlling marriages for many years and, one day, they have enough and want out.
Just because someone is on the age range of MLC and wants out of a marriage they say its bad, does not mean they are having a MLC and that what they say is not true.

I do not see the therapist saying to the woman to go and lead a wild life, just to get therapy and take care of herself.
MLC involves the 180 personality change, the article does not provide any info that matter. It may be MLC but it also may be someone who really had an abusive marriage.

Just because we have spouses in MLC who say and do what they do, we cannot dismiss those who really have abusive marriages. And we have to accept that some husbands/wives really are abusive and controlling.

[kikki]

Oh yes - back to the article  , agree that there is too little information and even if the therapist was aware of MLC and has in the back of her mind that this might be a possibility, it also may be the case that it is true.
And I don't think anyone is going to encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship.  They would offer support to get out. 

If it's MLC - that then becomes an enormous problem for the family.
If it's not, then probably it is for the best.  It may even provide the motivation for her H to change his behaviours.  Maybe that is what should be encouraged.  Safety for her, and therapy for him. 

[Thundarr]

http://voices.yahoo.com/male-midlife-crisis-infidelity-divorce-case-study-5186023.html?cat=5

Credit to Rover on this one.  An MLC overview and several links on the side.  It focuses on male MLCers and looks at it from somewhat of a mainstream perspective.  Pretty interesting stuff, but really not a whole lot of new information even though it is presented differently.

[Thundarr]

Mods - I put the wrong icon on this one.  Would someone kindly change it to a Discussion icon?  Thanks!