[Love being on higher grounds]

Mission Statement
To provide information, advice and support on how to Stand for marriage to men and women experiencing midlife crisis and infidelity in their marriages.
To prevent divorces.
To reduce the overall rate of divorce.
To encourage an alternative to divorce.
To encourage personal growth and loving of one’s Self.


I get the impression anymore when I come on the board that some are forgetting why we are here. every situation is different,it saddens me to hear so much bashing of our spouses, things in my opinion seem to be becoming very personal and very opinionated, even to the extent of board member being personally attacked...

just my thoughts...

hugs,
L

[Freddygone]

I did see some anger a few weeks ago. It made me take a deep breath and step back for a while as I was concerned. But after a couple of weeks I came back.
Maybe I am looking at different threads now, but I see people being very supportive and understanding in the main.
Also I am seeing more MLC's coming home, so maybe I am selecting the later part of the process, whereas before I was looking at the beginnings which is where you would find the anger and bashing statements.
The forum covers the whole spectrum I am finding, which is good and helps me understand.
Maybe it is wishful thinking on my part as I am happy being single for some time.

But I agree it is also a place to vent rather than at your spouse. Then people can put the calm mask back on.  and face the world again.

[Dandy Lion]

I feel that we always need to remind ourselves that when we feel anger it is not really anger at our spouses but rather that we feel angry about MLC and what impact it has on the people we love.

I have never been angry at my H for what is happening in our sitch, instead I am hurt and wounded by MLC and with all hurts and wounds they need time to heal.

[BonBon]

I'm glad you reminded us of the mission.  It's always good to be focused.

I must have missed the posts that bashed a board member.  I would never bash another board member here.  If I disliked what someone wrote (which has happened but rarely), I would first ignore, second choice would be to possibly just calmly retort but probably just to support my position but never bash.  And if I felt I really had to, perhaps send a private message to try and work it out..but that hasn't been necessary thankfully.

I would hate to see alot of acrimony between any of us here because we come here to learn and comiserate.  It should be a safe haven.

I will admit that I have bashed my spouse here.  It wasn't something I was originally comfortable doing because prior to his MLC, I not only never said a bad word about him, I woudn't even participate in fairly mild spouse or opposite sex bashing...like, you know, comiserating on men not putting down the toilet seat or whatever.  I just respected and adored my H too much to do that.

I realize that spouse bashing is not necessarily constructive but with that said, since I don't want to do it with people who know him, and I shouldn't do it TO him, I have done it here.  I'm not proud of it and it might be best to not do it at all but then again, my anger has to go somewhere if I am to stand and not melt down.  This is the only safe place I can do that.  Again, please understand I'm not proud of it but I am so angry sometimes and feel so hurt, I have to vent.  That's why I do it..not because it's fun or because I feel this is a way to conduct myself properly but simply because my head might explode if I didn't let it out.

Just wanted to explain why spouse bashing can go on...not an excuse, just my own personal reason. 

Dandy Lion, I wish I could say the same as you.  I wish I were just angry at the MLC but I do hold my H partially responsible.  Maybe it comes down to what each one of us decides is the true reason behind MLC.  I do believe there is a chemical aspect and an emotional aspect that may be difficult to control but I don't think it is impossible to control.  I had my own hormonal issues in the past during menopause but other than a snappy moment here and there, I didn't take it out on my spouse.  I am of the belief that since MLC is rarely found in cultures that honor and respect their aging, this is in part a cultural and societal issue that in my opinion, reflects how superficial and frankly, horribly and detrementally spoiled so many in the West are.  And I think that is something that I have to believe my H could have realized, could have controlled.  So because I don't feel its ALL about chemical depression, I feel that my anger is justified.

Its up to all of us as individuals to decide since there isn't proof positive either way yet so I respect your thoughts on it....just sharing my own.

Hope I didn't offend anyone...just explaining myself.

[Dandy Lion]

Dandy Lion, I wish I could say the same as you.  I wish I were just angry at the MLC but I do hold my H partially responsible.  Maybe it comes down to what each one of us decides is the true reason behind MLC.

BonBon, I think that we all have one thing in common, that is MLC but apart from that our Situations are all very different too and  some of us have more to vent than others and have more problems to deal with.  We are all individuals and we all deal with things differently and I think it is amazing that we all manage to support and respect each other on this forum, having said that, there are bound to be a few times when anger comes to the surface, this is a natural response to pain and hurt and I am sure we can all understand this.  When someone on the forum is upset and angered perhaps we should be able to understand this and provide a safe haven where their anger can be released in a safe supportive environment.

[Strong girl]

Dandy,

I am not sure if I am guilty or not of "bashing" my h, I certainly have been angry & hurt....  that being said I feel like this forum is a savior to so many of us & THAT is why we are here. to say what we cannot at this point to THEM, the MLCer.

Personally, for me, ...as OP says, we come here to vent, gather information. gain as much knowledge that we possibly can... DETACH... well most of us need the guidance because although we all know what we are told to do .. it is HARD to do & I think the moderators on here are FANTASTIC & if the information from one to another is different  it is up to THE LBS .. to read & decipher what is best for them.

I for one love the various opinions .. Even the heated debates. Those that have been through it, still going through it and those just beginning. No matter where any of us are in this .. we are ALLLLLLL angry at some point we go through the stages of loss. I have had GREAT advice and some here I feel holding my hand and walking me through my really rough moments.

I understand what you are saying. We SHOULD be positive. Encouraging .. all of those things .. I personally think that is exactly what the heated debates are... "different strokes for different folks."

(((HUGS))) sg

[Freddygone]

Can I just say.....I felt very 'alone' before I found this forum.

I don't feel that anymore. Thank you all.

[Strong girl]

Can I just say.....I felt very 'alone' before I found this forum.

I don't feel that anymore. Thank you all.

Freddy,

I completely agree!!!!

[Mamma Bear]

  Love Being on Higher Grounds,  I use the term jack-ass as a term of endearment.   
  I ditto what the others said.  I love my H so much.  I really don't know what would have happened to me if I didn't find this site. Some days I hurry home to see what's going on here!!!      You have created a monster.             No!!   Not that kind of monster.

[BonBon]

Thanks Dandy,
I'm glad you seemed to understand what I meant. 

I've written many times that I thought I had more empathy than I do.  I know that I have loads of compassion.  As an example, I haven't eaten meat/poultry/pork in over three years because of my compassion for animals.  This is totally off the point of this forum but I'm just trying to show an example of my having compassion.  I have other examples of course that I won't bore you with.  Certainly all of us here have some level of compassion or we woudn't "stand" probably.

With that said, I would have thought that had my H gone through something psychological, I would have had tons of compassion.  I was wrong.  Perhaps I should say that had his problems not been taken out on me, I still think I would have had far more compassion and empathy.  But of course the problems were taken out on me and so, I found that my compassion was/is limited severely.  This is something that I'm not proud of and not necessarily happy about but it is what I discovered.  And so, there is the anger.

I think some LBS' have more/better/less limited compassion perhaps and those folks might have less anger, more patience.  I'm not sure.

I've digressed from the original topic but just thought I would dabble into the anger topic a bit.

Freddy, I also agree with you!