This will may very well be the only "drive by to let you know I'm OK" you get from me.
I was drawn in, and to this particular thread for a reason...and when I finish, I will log out and leave again.
I don't know what caused this thread to be written, and I don't really want to know, but in MLC there is generally a mix of Unconditional and Tough Love used.
In regards to being a "expert" or not....I know NOTHING about ANYTHING, except the Lord give it to me to say or write.
It was trial and error and I made many errors when I was navigating through with my husband. I advised people with what I knew would work, and I watched it work in other situations. So many times, I have asked Him for His input/wisdom/knowledge/understanding when advising others.
That's why I say, I know nothing except what He has given me, and I will not say I come up with these things on my own, as I never was able to do this on my own.
The beauty of being different is that you can agree, disagree, or somewhere in between; and it has nothing to do with with who you agree or disagree with; your point of view has everything to do with YOU.
And though you might fight or argue with the advice someone gives; but you might want to sit down and do some thinking before you become quick to disagree...these moderators have been where you are at one point or the other, as I had, once upon a time.
I did ALOT of arguing when it was me so long ago; but once I got what I needed to get, I realized they were right; I DID need to change, I DID need to grow, I DID need to let go of that man who was deep within crisis...and as long as I held onto him; I wasn't getting anywhere but deeper within my own misery.
Granted, I didn't even start to get it until I gained some understanding of what was happening; but the fact was, I wasn't any different than any one of you in the beginning. I felt everyone that advised me didn't know squat, and I was WRONG about that, so wrong.
Arrogance, and I had plenty of it, did not get ME anywhere; I was only making the situation worse in trying to make him do what I considered right. He turned on me worse as time went past, and as long as I wasn't willing to let go of him, and back away, he was only becoming more secure in his justification for why he was treating me like dirt.
It was only when I backed away, beginning to change that he began to turn back toward me...and in time, when I saw he was serious about wanting to try again with me, the Lord instructed me to begin to lay limits and boundaries on his behavior toward me; holding him accountable in that fashion.
But, the changes in me did NOT stop, they continued, even as I continued to walk my own journey to wholeness and healing.
Even as my husband tested me severely, I kept going; I KNEW these had to finish, regardless of whether he accepted them or not...and I kept letting him go to decide for himself, even as he pursued me, trying to push me back into what I once had been.
I learned that whether the marriage comes together into a new marriage or not, is questionable, as there are NO guarantees; only the work I was willing to do on MYSELF.
My husband chose me, eventually, but it was HIS decision, NOT mine....I wanted to stay married IF that was possible, but I knew I would not be able to accomplish this alone; he would have to help me, and only IF he CHOSE to. That was when the harder work began...and it was hard, I won't kid you.
There were times and seasons for "Unconditional" love, just as there was the same for the "Tough" love...and I saw both seasons; sometimes separately, sometimes they ran together; but they existed for me. It depended upon what I was seeing in my husband's behaviors at a given time.
Within the first bout of crisis, I was busy changing; and I was counseled by the Lord to back down, learning the Unconditional lessons. I was a pretty independent lady; and the opposite I had to learn, was to become weak; and many things I did looked like doormat behavior. This did not bring me humiliation, rather it taught me to serve in much a different way than before. You see, my husband was searching at that time for what he thought was "The One"; and I mattered very little if I even mattered at all to him.
Yet, his broken road led him right around to me; who had been "The One" in the beginning; I remembered him saying that...and I didn't understand what that meant at that time...but I saw this meaning later.
Once I became his choice, I saw the "rules" of engagement begin to change somewhat, and then, I was able to learn the tough love lessons set before me.
The Lord(my Intuition) knew when the times were right; and instructed me accordingly. Sometimes people showed up with confirming words, sometimes what He spoke into my heart was all I had to go on, but I trusted Him with all I had; and followed His advice/instruction; learning even more in that process.
The road was a seriously broken one; a long and hard journey for both of us; and things, even now, aren't always what they should be; but we're still together, and we still love one another. I'm honestly glad for the broken road we walked; sometimes separately, sometimes together.
Again and again, it has been written that it's time for people begin to grow within themselves...you cannot fix your MLC spouse, you cannot fix your situation, it is NOT your fault what has happened; but everything happens for a reason.
The crisis was definitely designed to get your attention; not just your MLC spouse's; and the process will be walked through; no shortcuts, nothing you can do to shorten it, although you CAN lengthen it with your actions toward your MLC spouse..and this is regardless of whether the marriage makes it through or not.
As long as you fight the process you'll mire yourself down in a bog of self pity, depression, and anger.
Your spouse in crisis has chosen a road that you were NOT invited upon; yet, if they allow the process to work on and within them, they will eventually learn the SAME lessons you have been brought to in your own journey; within a road you were set upon that was NOT of your own making.
ALL of you were FORCED upon this particular road when you were bombed by your MLC spouse, and I was NO exception. It happened to me, too.
I have shared so much of my experience with you over time and space; until I didn't have any more to write about.
My life at this time has continued to be a successful one; but NOT because I managed to stay married, but because I walked my journey to COMPLETION. The way was hard, I had people who, at times, were less than kind, but it was for my own good. I needed the kicks in the seat of my pants that I received; if not for those, and the grace of the Lord, I might have quit at given points of this.
As time went on, I came to know with a certainty that it was possible my husband could have walked away at any time; and left me for good. Yet, I also found that I could stop this anytime I wanted to; as I had this same power he did.
It's amazing when you find you are just as capable of walking away as your MLC spouse is...they really do think they have all the control; little do they know, they have no more control over you, than you have over them.
This is all about CHOICES; use them wisely; no one can tell you what to do; and the advice on protecting yourself from the MLC'er's antics remains the same. Start learning to take care of yourselves, and learn to support and stand on your own. No one should ever be saddled with the care of another; each person must learn to stand independently; this is one of the imbalances the crisis puts into true balance.
The difference between most of you, and me, was that I was already independent to a certain extent; and that independence has grown into total independence upon myself.....my husband cares for me, but is not expected to take care of me...there is a difference here.
I used a combination of Unconditionals and Tough Love during the 11 years we were within the crisis to bring us both through; sometimes I was backing down, sometimes standing up; but the method I used during a given time was unique to whatever he and I were facing.
No one can say for sure when certain techniques will work; you KNOW your MLC spouse better than anyone; except the Lord; and only YOU know what will or might work.
It's a fine balance, a tightrope, if you will, to try and work on yourself, and attempt to bring your marriage through at the same time, but the growing you do need to accomplish within yourself DOES NEED TO BE DONE.
The crisis triggers this growing within; and yes, you do have the choice NOT to walk the journey that is always being spoken of here on the board...no one HAS to do anything they don't choose to do, and that's a fact.
Yet, if you don't do the growing, changing, becoming...you will face circumstances that will take you through it again, and it becomes harder to accomplish, as time is added, and your lot becomes tougher. I know, it took me the whole 11 years just to learn compassion for my MLC spouse..why do you think he took some of the detours he took?
You see, I can see things that most of you can't see because you're not where I am; I looked back over the whole time, and saw the importance of the journey the LBS needs to take.
If I hadn't begun to walk my journey, I would not have been anywhere on the internet, nor would I have learned, written, nor dispensed all that I was given to write.
His journey honestly did become about ME and MY JOURNEY. I found it did not matter if he decided to return and help me rebuild a new marriage. This was about ME, and no one else.
Oh yes, God instructed me at various times, to do various things, He called me to stand for the marriage; but there was a point when He did ask me what I wanted to do; and I decided to continue standing after considering all that had been faced, the time gone past, the love I still held for him.
Yet, if I hadn't focused on myself, I would still be stuck at this time in my own self pity; and a vicious cycle that wouldn't have ended UNTIL I learned what was set before me. Recognizing that I needed to learn about me was the first step in my journey.
Each crisis is different, just as each person is different what works for one doesn't work for another..it is definitely trial and error.
Oh, and although I agree we are worthy of love and we never deserved what happened to us; without the behavior of the MLC spouse, we would NOT learn how to deal with truly hateful people out in this cold, cold world.
You might think God is mean to allow what He allows, but I came to see it as a true blessing on my part. If the crisis had not happened, I would not have the knowledge I hold, and I would not have learned to stand up for myself, setting boundaries that were healthy so that I would be treated better by not just my spouse, but others, as well.
There was wisdom in not always taking what was said/done personally; as I learned that people would treat us as we allowed them to, but on the other hand, also learning that when one does/says something it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the person who does it.
If you're looking for your MLC spouse to do what is considered right, don't hold your breath; you can only decide what's best for you, and it is they who will be the losers in the end if they don't grow up and straighten up.
When advice is given, regardless if it's "unconditional" or "tough love" of a type, understand that it's of the take or leave it variety; you can either take it, leave it, trash it, whatever.
In the end it's YOUR life you must live; no one else can live it for you, just as no one can survive this for you, nor do it to you.
A house divided cannot stand, this much is true; but one person CAN work to bring a marriage back together if they are willing to do so. I put up with a great deal just to stay married; and in my book, it was worth the steps I took, the crap I observed, and I learned something new from each interaction with my husband that helped me deal with other people.
The changes I underwent were necessary and worth the pain I endured to become the person I became.
I became hard in my many ways, soft in others. Our marriage is not perfect; but anyone who expects a perfect marriage is in for a hard disappointment; as NO relationship, nor any person is perfect...each is flawed in various different ways.
In closing; be kind to one another; you are all in the same boat in various aspects of this crisis; love one another...each person is different, each one's views are different; and though you might be angry at what one says; bear in mind each of these views may come together to make a whole new view for yourself.
Keep an open mind; the people advising will always see something you don't, as you're too close to see it for yourself....it is rare the person who is able to step out of the proverbial box of their own situation, and look back in from another's point of view.
Just so you know, there have been many times, I've needed someone to clarify what I could not see for myself.
Much love and hugs to all of you.
Love,
HB
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MLC & Experts