[nesquick2]

lots of love to you hb. glad you popped in to see us all xxx 

[Mitzpah]

HB,
So good to hear from you... today, I thought especially of you. I am glad that you are 'surviving'! I hope that doctor of yours manages to hit on the right dose of Synthroid (my son takes it too because of his brain cancer he simply does not produce T3, so he takes T4), I am sure that once you hit the right balance, things will even out as to the skin and hair (probably nails too!!) issues...
Love ya!!

[Little Chief]

HB, if you read this, don't ever think you have nothing left to contribute.  Just because the words don't want to come out anymore, your presence in this community has been a help for so many of us.  We are glad you are doing well, and hope you continue to do so.  And if, on random occasions, you stop by to say hi or Happy Turkey Day or whatever, we will all feel a little better just for that.  Thank you for all you've shared with us.

[Mamma Bear]

  Yeah HB I'd like to 2nd that. I told my Ds if I get all sad about daddy being away remind me to read some Heartsblessing.  They do!!
  Little voices coming from the back of the minivan saying  "Mommy don't forget to read Heartsblessing's words"
  Works like a charm everytime.  Thank you! Also when I do see you pop on I like to yell out " Elvis is in the building."

[HeartsBlessing]

lots of love to you hb. glad you popped in to see us all xxx

Hi Nesquick!

Lots of love and hugs right back at you!   I guess if I'm going to hijack, I might as well make it a good one!

HB,
So good to hear from you... today, I thought especially of you. I am glad that you are 'surviving'! I hope that doctor of yours manages to hit on the right dose of Synthroid (my son takes it too because of his brain cancer he simply does not produce T3, so he takes T4), I am sure that once you hit the right balance, things will even out as to the skin and hair (probably nails too!!) issues...

Hi Mitzpah!

I forgot about the nail issues; they are breaking like crazy; not to mention having gained weight faster than I ever had.  I'm still having some trouble when holding conversations with people; I can't think of what I want to say; and will often forget the simplest names of various things, unless I just let Him step in for me.

But it's apparent my writing is not suffering at all; that flows right out like it always had before.

Maybe doc will get my med balanced given some time; I hope so.

HB, if you read this, don't ever think you have nothing left to contribute.  Just because the words don't want to come out anymore, your presence in this community has been a help for so many of us.  We are glad you are doing well, and hope you continue to do so.  And if, on random occasions, you stop by to say hi or Happy Turkey Day or whatever, we will all feel a little better just for that.  Thank you for all you've shared with us.

Hi LC,

There comes a time when you get all "talked out"; and there's nothing left to say; but to repeat in another way what was said before.  I never claimed to be an expert on MLC or any other stage of life.  I only know what I have learned, what the Lord has  taught me, and what He brought through and still brings through me from time to time. 

He has guided me for years, still guides me, even to this day; and He startled me when He directed me to come in here to take a look for the first time since He pulled me off some time ago.

I think it was something I needed to see; but since I was being talked about, LOL, I threw my two cents worth in at His request.   There is very little you don't know about me anymore; I think I exhausted everything when I purged myself out a short time back.

I still have no clue what is and was supposed to be so special about me; but I have always appreciated the prayers, the love, the hugs; and never worried about getting any kind of thanks for what I tried to do, and that was educate people as much as I was able to do with what the Lord had and has given me in the way of knowledge and understanding.  Hopefully, all I was able to document; and set down  in writing will help others in times to come. 

  Yeah HB I'd like to 2nd that. I told my Ds if I get all sad about daddy being away remind me to read some Heartsblessing.  They do!!
  Little voices coming from the back of the minivan saying  "Mommy don't forget to read Heartsblessing's words"
  Works like a charm everytime.  Thank you! Also when I do see you pop on I like to yell out " Elvis is in the building."

Hi MammaBear!

I have to say when I read your post, I burst out laughing; although it's heartwarming to know I get read on a regular basis by anyone who cares to read what I've written, that is, IF you can stand getting "informationed" to death; what with my long posts and such. LOL!! 

I saw you make that comment about Elvis sometime back when I was chatting with you and several other posters on one of your threads. 

Oh, Mamma, I'm not special; I never was; I've tried and tried to tell all of you that I'm nothing worth mentioning; in real life you would be surprised to see that I'm only 5'3" tall; gray headed by now; not the GIANT people had often expected to see...yet, I believe the Lord has a sense of humor; He had to have had one when he made ME; and then equipped me when I was 35 years old with wisdom and knowledge of the crisis that exceeded my years lived on this earth.

Now, some of you are younger than me; so I guess that put me in the category of being an "elder" as wisdom is supposed to belong to the "elder" set; yet, there are people older than me that I often find myself still counseling; even at this late date.

A miracle was performed in me, as I recall; my memories from the first crisis were gone; and I was fragmented and broken within that area of my life back in early 2010...yet, the Lord had seen fit to guide me directly in 2009; at least until my husband broke his ankle...then over a three month period, He restored my knowledge, my memories of that time, and added more unto me as I worked here for over a year and a half.

I have attempted to leave at least 3 or 4 times; but was instructed to return each time, for a period of time, until this last time, when He pulled me in for just a few posts this time.

Just so you know, I haven't lurked much, during this last time of hiatus, if at all.  I have checked in on several posters in the past month; but had not seen any reason to log in to post anything.   I've posted on Hyperglad's thread; and on another thread tonight, besides this one.

You are all doing fine; there are certain things I can't teach any of you; the majority of it you will find in my postings; but some of it you will figure out on your own, just as I did.

One of the biggest lessons you learn out of this crisis, is to stand on your own; and that's something I can advise, but not teach you to do.   Even I had to learn at a given point to trust myself, and what my intuition was telling me.

That was the biggest reason I was so heavy on teaching people how to access that still small voice within; this necessary gift will teach you more than I ever could; as God knows your situations better than I do or ever will.

You may find at first what you think is my voice echoing throughout your heart to begin with; but God has a tendency to use what He knows will work in each situation; and even if my own words seem to echo within your heart; know that God placed them there; as He once spoke them through me.

That's a deeply humbling experience to hear the voice of the Lord as He speaks to you; and a spiritual aspect I have never forgotten to bring forward in all of the teachings I have done over time.

There have been people I've known in real life, that have said they heard my voice but the wisdom  spoken and taught to them was far beyond what He would have given me to speak; and what they heard was actually tailored to their own situation; and unless I had been a fly on the wall, I cannot know these things for sure.

With that said, I will NOT tell you I'm such a great person, nor am I perfect; I was and am only a willing vessel who was honored, and am still honored to have the experience of being used in the way God has chosen to use me to help others.

The Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways, His Wonders to behold....and He really does use the simplest of things and the simplest of people to confound the wise...enter ME from stage left, LOL!!

I never asked for it; but I surely accepted and gratefully received all He's offered me.   I'm not even what you would consider an educated person; I graduated high school, but never went to college; I don't even have a degree; just some street smarts; and a willingness to learn what's set before me.

All I can say is that He's blessed me beyond my own expectations; educated me beyond what I once knew, trained me in various ways for the work I have done, and still do, and most of all, I still know that whatever I face, He really does love me; and looks after me....if He didn't; I'd already be dead.  LOL!!

I have learned to be grateful for what I have, as it all belonged to Him before it ever came to me; I know for a fact He owns all and everything; even me. 

Love to you,
HB

 

[limitless]

L  I get confused. No duh!  I think in HBs stages it says at BD MLC is 1/2 way or 3/4 way through. My H (hindsight) was depressed and withdrawn a good 3 years pre BD. Now gone 9 months.  How can 17.5 mos post BD be the beginning of anything ?  Beginning of the end  as in 3 more years? I know that each sitch is different and I know why. All the variables of each sitch and all.
   I guess I'm counting my lucky stars that my H acts sheepish around me and kind.  Good thing.

Mamma,

Yep.  We are all confused, aren't we?  This stuff is confusing.

HB wrote the Stages of a Mid Life Crisis - and, I believe, she struggled with whether or not to put any specific time periods with each stage.  While I am extremely grateful that she did put her estimates (when I first came to this sight - it was the time periods that gave me hope......at the time, all I could think about was when would he return),  but, now, I think that the times and estimates are dangerous - if we believe that this is a road map that our spouses will follow.  I think the beginning (the beginning as far as OUR awareness) - the Bomb Drop event - is pretty typical - as the MLCers pretty much do and say very similar things.  After that - when they go into Full Blown Replay - the path is not so typical.  The long middle part is a crap shoot - as it appears that the Replayer can go off into different paths and types of Replay behavior.  After all, this is life.  Life is unpredictable.....life sometimes just happens.

This is not an exact science.....there is so little understood and documented - it is barely scientific at all.

HB wrote that BD can be (note CAN BE) 1/2 or 3/4 of the way toward the MLCer coming to Acceptance - if one can look back to the trigger that began the descent into the tunnel.

I've surmised that my H's trigger was a heart-attack in June of 2006.  If that is true - it took 4 years for my H to go through denial and anger - before he hit Replay - BD was May of 2010.  Well, that doesn't fit, does it?  Four years for denial and anger?  That's quite a stretch.....  Ok.  Them maybe the trigger was D21's graduation from high school and moving away to college in August of 2008.  I know that H was in contact with his ex-wife sometime during 2009 - which culminated in a trip he took to visit her in August 2009 (I remember when he told me about this trip......He went on and on about what he did over the weekend.  It sounded very unbelieveable  - but I just accepted it.....Looking back, I can see he was clearly lying.....or maybe it's because I know, now).  In reading HB's stages, this makes sense.  Anger during 2009, with the seeds of his affair being planted - culminating to full blown Replay in early 2010 - and Bomb Drop in May.

I can look back and now, see the anger my H displayed the 6 to 12 months prior to BD.  My kids would tell me, when I would return from a business trip, how mean their father was, how he would explode over very small things, how he was constantly putting them on restriction and screaming at them.  Okay.  I guess that fits.

RCR has written that Replay lasts an average of 2 years - with low energy MLCers bringing the average down.  Again, these are just estimations based upon the research she has done and the countless number of MLC stories she has followed over the years.

So, here I am 17.5 months post BD.  H is deep in the tunnel.  Everything is still my fault.  He's filed for divorce.  While he cycled back and forth over the past year - giving me mixed messages - he now seems determined and steadfast that this is what he wants.  If you read the articles, this is also pretty typical.

Sometimes I think that we LBS hope for the end of the Replay stage.  Like Replay will end - our spouses will go off into Depression and Withdrawal - and come out - CURED.  (Okay...Maybe that was what I was thinking/hoping for).   

There are so many LBS on this site - ahead of me.  LBS' - whose stories I've followed - on the year plus that I've been on this site.  Many of these LBS' spouses are still in Replay.  Some MAY be in Depression and Withdrawal - but, again, it is only from our viewpoint.  Just because we see something or think that our spouses have entered a certain stage - doesn't make it so.   Sometimes it seems to us that the MLCer has reached a certain stage - because we want it to be......we see what we want to see.

So....Replay is over.  Great!  Now what?  Well, Depression and Withdrawal.   According to HB - this averages another 1+ years.  Discouraged, yet?  I don't mean to be the bearer of glad tidings..... but - if we continue to watch (I guess what I mean to say is - if I continue to watch) - this all is just too long....too depressing.....just too, too much.

So.  Maybe this is why I say I'm just at the beginning.  A bit of brainwashing that I do - to myself - to accept that this is just going to take a long time....and I've got to quit wasting this time  - WATCHING.  Watching my H and paying attention to what my H says and does - reminds me of what it is like to have a sore on the inside of my mouth.  You know those types of sores?  The ones where - if you touch the sore with your tongue - it stings like hell.  So, what do I do?  All day long, I will "test" it.  I put my tongue on the sore and guess what?  It stings.  Yep.  It's still there.  It still hurts.  It hasn't healed.  Ok.  So, let me check again....Yep...Ouch...That really hurt!  It's not getting ANY better.  Ok.  It's been a few hours - let me check again.  Damn....that really hurts!  It hasn't healed at all!  Yep.  This is what it feels like.

No two crisis are alike.  I think I remember OP posting that MLCer's with short Replay stages - may have Depression and Withdrawal stages that last longer.  (How encouraging, huh?)  To quote DGU, quoting RCR - MLC takes a long time.   And, to quote HB - you honestly don't want your spouse to go quickly through the stages - as they are likely to skip issues - that can and will rear their ugly heads at a later date.  There just is no getting around it.  We just have to get through it.

So....where am I going with all this?  I don't know.  I think I had a point when I began this post - one that I've completely lost in all my rambling.

Oh yes....Conway says that MLC in men lasts 3-7 years. 

So, trigger being 2006 or 2008 - My H may be 2-4 years from.......getting his head out of his a$$.  As I've been at this for 17.5 months - it seems like I've not reached the top of the hill yet.  Hence, the beginning.

Lots of words......I've obviously spent too much time thinking about this.  End result?  Guess what?  H is still in Replay.

That's why we need to live our lives.  Watching theirs is too painful and too discouraging.

Limitless

[Dandy Lion]

Limitless,

I am coming up just behind you all the way, you are like a mentor to me and sometimes a teacher needs their student to remind them why they were the teacher!   

You know that it takes time..............measuring this time will only send you in a downward spiral!  So I just wanted to send you a video that for me helps me everytime I feel the way you do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aosc4gu-Xo&feature=relate

There is a season for everything :-)

[limitless]

Dandy,

Thanks for the song....I love that song!

L

[Mamma Bear]

   Thanks L,   I knew it had to be along the lines you described. I guess with my sitch I feel like a big part of replay was started before BD bc he was a stay at home Dad who never stayed home. Out taking vicodin again and drinking(he was clean and sober 10 years) Out to go play music with his guy friends.
 I always let him come and go as he pleased.
  Also I have always been independent financially and other ways. He tried to control me sometimes accusing me of having a BF. Once his Mom moved in (she's 94 years old) we both had to do more.
  The responsibilities were too much for a 51 year old man/boy.
  That's why I think when she went to Florida at the end of Jan he started EA with Bowser turning PA on Valentine's Day.
  I may feel optimistic about his return bc I feel when he's around me that he's acting like I am the bestest W ever.
  H is acting like a teenager with a crush. Blaming himself and not me. Getting all happy with the Ds when it's time to come back here.
  We'll see what happens but the chemistry between us is alive and well. Thankfully. Now I just need him to deal with whatever issues he's struggling with. I know he's doing a lot of soul searching. He talks about it in his texts.
   Thanks L for answering my question. Also good luck with your H. You're right while they're in the tunnel all bets are off!

[HeartsBlessing]

HB wrote that BD can be (note CAN BE) 1/2 or 3/4 of the way toward the MLCer coming to Acceptance - if one can look back to the trigger that began the descent into the tunnel.

This wasn't written anywhere in the stages but within the Sermon's Thread I once had; and this came from an article entitled "The Importance of Establishing a Time Line"

Also bear in mind this particular article was written back in 2002. I know a whole lot more now, than I did back then.

Besides that BD that comes during the stage of Replay for the MLC'er, is the start of the LBS JOURNEY; whereas the MLC'er has already been within the tunnel for a period of time...so what COULD be considered the "middle" for them; brings you in at a time when you are called upon to begin the work within yourself; but the signs for some reason must be clear; and they don't come any clearer than during Replay, otherwise, the people here and elsewhere would NOT recognize what was happening.

God works in mysterious ways; and as I delve deeper into the various aspects; I can see where one thing works into another, linking everything together into a strange kind of symphony.....I know I'm not the only seeing this; but each piece is instrumental to what happens next.

On the other hand, regardless of how hard people try; there will NEVER be a way of stopping this crisis from happening; unless parents become totally perfect in the raising of their children, people learn to stop hurting and harming each other, and every material thing a person has is stripped from them, taking them back to the basics of life and emotional connection with people that is honestly MORE important than accumulated "stuff".  You know, as well as I do, that may never happen....at least not in my lifetime.

Anyway, I'm rambling.


 I've been considering having OP or someone willing to help me to edit that particular post; or at least allow me back into it long enough to retitle it; leaving my initial story within....I'd considered deleting it entirely at one point, but I am unable to do that.

On the other hand, it might be better if that post were deleted in its entirely; in my own situation, it doesn't tell but a piece of the story illustrating the timeline of my husband's first crisis.

Limitless is right, back at the time I wrote the stages themselves, I'd hesitated about writing the times within; but even with them, I believe I wrote the times as "CAN LAST  "x" time".

There was a great deal of uncertainty even back in 2002; as even next to NO information was available.
The timeline really was written to help pinpoint where it all started; and the MLC'er will usually let you know WHEN; and that's assuming they come through far enough to talk about what happened to them without blaming you...and that time does come; it did for me and many others.

The stages were written as a GUIDE to assist one in hopefully knowing where the MLC'er was within the tunnel; although most people use it as a template in HINDSIGHT.

The last and final stage of Acceptance was written long BEFORE my husband came out that first time; and I did see him navigate in this way; although it took time for him to exit that first time.

When he was forced on through back last year, he picked up where he had left off, within the Settling Down Process....that was another confirmation I had regarding the interruption and continuation of the crisis.

I suspected that he didn't finish various aspects of Replay; as the 7 year old was mostly in the driver's seat during Replay back in 2001; but because of the fear of losing me; he put this most painful issue on hold; and it traveled with him into the Settling Down Process; rearing its ugly head, and interrupting his processing in the fall of 2004.

This resulted in his RE-navigation of ONLY the stage of Replay simply because the issue he had set aside and tried to run from wasn't finished...and so his secondary bout of crisis; consisted of nothing BUT Replay...so, I got the pleasure(sarcasm) of experiencing from him some of the other aspects I'd written about in that particular stage.   LOL!!

And you know, even more answers were available to me ahead of time, even I was exiting stage right back in early 2003; I was unable to see them at the time, if I had; I might have run like the d!ckens, no kidding.

I was completely unaware of what I was holding ahead of time, until  I found confirmation of what I'd been saying about everything needing to faced in order to come out whole and healed nearly six months ago.  They'd been right in front of my face back in late 2002; I found them literally immortalized in the archives of the board I had started out on so long ago.

I'll have to share that experience sometime.

The fact is; a MLC can last 5 to 7 years if not longer; and if all issues/aspects are NOT faced; it is possible to exit the tunnel into the Settling Down Process, but no farther, as given time, processing will be interrupted and more bouts of crisis will come; related to the initial crisis; but not exactly like.

And if the initial crisis is interrupted or put on hold; given time it WILL return and pick up right at the very place it was left off with additional time added; and it gets much worse than before.

I think my husband also sets the example of how the crisis stages aren't always navigated in a straightforward fashion; that some decisions, issues, aspects are made, faced, settled; and others can be set aside for later on.

The possibilities are endless; but there is ALWAYS hope as long as you still love your MLC spouse, and are willing to stand, doing the work on yourself, regardless of how this comes out in whatever end will come.

Please start focusing on yourselves and let what will come, come when it needs to.   Learn to trust the process AND yourselves that you'll handle what you need to handle just fine; and last but most important; lean on your intuition for the answers and guidance you need. 

Have a good one.