[BonBon]

I agree...very well put Still.

And as to the throw away society, I could not agree more and I feel this is part of why so many MLCers feel it is ok to throw away the marriage or the trust, respect...etc.

When people question your stand and think you should just walk away, aren't they asking why you don't act just like the MLCer? 

Please understand that I don't at all think an LBS who does walk away is akin to an MLCer...it is a personal choice and quite understandable when an LBS says....enough.
But I'm just pointing out that for "outsiders" to so easily talk about tossing out the marriage...well, maybe their attitude is part of societies problem as well.

[trusting]

I just want to add too that we know in the majority of the cases, MLC is temporary and very few get stuck.  There is no guarantee that the marriage will come back together after the MLCer is done with their crisis, but I feel like I need to wait and see and give it a shot.  I took my vows seriously and am planning on holding up my end of the bargain through the crisis, though this is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. 

[Anjae]

I agree...very well put Still.

And as to the throw away society, I could not agree more and I feel this is part of why so many MLCers feel it is ok to throw away the marriage or the trust, respect...etc.

When people question your stand and think you should just walk away, aren't they asking why you don't act just like the MLCer? 

Please understand that I don't at all think an LBS who does walk away is akin to an MLCer...it is a personal choice and quite understandable when an LBS says....enough.
But I'm just pointing out that for "outsiders" to so easily talk about tossing out the marriage...well, maybe their attitude is part of societies problem as well.

I agree with you and still that we live in a very throw away society. But that is not the same as, if a certain point, a LBS choose to, like SD says, move on. We were left behind without the choice of even try to work on the marriage. It is not like a couple who did not wanted to do the work on the marriage or that got divorced after a couple of years because "it is tough" or for a very mundane reason.

Don't think that, we LBS are tossing off the marriage even if we move on, divorce or find someone new. We were tossed off the marriage.

trusting, yes, MLC is, in most cases temporary and few get stuck. However it comes a time when the LBS, will have to take stock of what had happened, how long it has been, etc. and make a choice.

It is one thing to have a CB that has been out of the house for 18 months, keeps in touch and return after those 18 months (even if the crisis is not over) and to be on this for over 5 years with someone that is totally absent from your life for years and years, like in my case. Pragmatically I have no marriage and no husband. Im still legally married and there is this man I'm still legally married to. That is all.

Like SD husband's, mine lives in another city, hundreds of kms away, with OW2. He does not look like wanting to stop doing so anytime soon. He tossed the marriage. Yes, I know, MLC. But no one knows how long they take. We have no children, no marital home, we don't talk to each other, nothing. Except a legal connection and (and least I) some nice memories of the past (but that past ended over 5 years ago).

So, don't think that all LBS have to keep holding to the marriage. After an amout a time (never in the beginning, everything is very messed up for us at that poin) if they want to keep holding to the marriage, they can and should, if not, they should not.

[Still]

So, don't think that all LBS have to keep holding to the marriage. After an amout a time (never in the beginning, everything is very messed up for us at that poin) if they want to keep holding to the marriage, they can and should, if not, they should not.

AnneJ,

I agree with what you are saying. It is an individual choice as to what one decides to do when they are left behind. However, because this was developed as a stander's website for the LBS, I believe the majority of the people here believe in the commitment of marriage, even through the toughest of times. We certainly can't control what our spouses do. We can only control what we do.

There may come a time when my H finalizes his divorce and remarries. At that point, I don't know what I would do. However, I still believe that society permits, even encourages divorce, rather than working on the hard issues. I find that to be quite sad.

[Anjae]

So, don't think that all LBS have to keep holding to the marriage. After an amout a time (never in the beginning, everything is very messed up for us at that poin) if they want to keep holding to the marriage, they can and should, if not, they should not.

AnneJ,

I agree with what you are saying. It is an individual choice as to what one decides to do when they are left behind. However, because this was developed as a stander's website for the LBS, I believe the majority of the people here believe in the commitment of marriage, even through the toughest of times. We certainly can't control what our spouses do. We can only control what we do.

There may come a time when my H finalizes his divorce and remarries. At that point, I don't know what I would do. However, I still believe that society permits, even encourages divorce, rather than working on the hard issues. I find that to be quite sad.

Agree, Still, think the majority (if not all) the people here believe in the commitment of marriage. Even when it gets tough. But when something like MCL is throw on us (and like it has been said in the forum, normal relashionships rules no longer apply), in some cases, at a certain point, the LBS changes. The change may go to move on or to decide to stay.

Think the forum allow us for a better judgment of the situation. We are aware of what is going on, we can decide based on more information. Also, for some of us, like myself, if the marriage virtually does not exist, the spouse is more than gone for years on end, the spouses do not talk, the MCLer is living with the alienator, one starts to feel different. I do feel different. And sense changes in me every month that goes by.

Yes, society encorages divorce rather than working on the hard issues. And many divorces happen for very "silly" reasons. Again, agree,it is sad that it is that way. The issue with MLC is that it is not possible for the couple to work on the marriage. The MCLer is not up to it and the LBS alone cannot do the work of the couple. We can only work on ourselves, not the marriage.

[Gallagher]

My MC has some experience with MLC.  She is also a Christian and came highly recommended.  My H and I were working pretty hard on R with her.  H was engaged, writing the letters, talking, connecting.  She thought things were going pretty well.  When I had some doubts she even said "he wouldn't be willing to do all this work if the didn't" want the marriage to work.  Plus he couldn't carry on the deceit.

Well, we were both wrong.  He fooled us both.  Why he even went for three months is a mystery.

[StandingTall]

AnneJ,
I can agree with what you last wrote...being new here, I'm finding so much info, caring and compassion ...AND so many similarities to my situation. I find I can't talk to others around me - it's as though Thayer view this sit as cut and dry!! Yet I have felt all along that something else has been amiss, very wrong...just couldn't figure out what...and now I know-MLC.
I know there have been great changes in me although I am still on a roller coaster of emotions at times (and now with holidays approaching). I do try to I'd and reflect on these. Try to be honestvwith myself and work to improve me for me. We are all so barve to do so!! I find it sad that our MLCers can not/will not and are not able to do this as we see such potential in them and know just how wonderful they can be...thnk this is the toughest for me some days! Always hoping the best for them.
Society does encourage divorce and disposability ...thnk the new no-fault divorce laws encourage this as well allowing any/no excuse to fly!! I can hear my xH saying he'll divorce me because of the mail pile left on the counter!!!....not that any of it was his!!! Yikes!!!

[BonBon]

AnneJ,
Sorry that I didn't write more clearly.....
Honestly, I don't at all put LBS' who walk away from the marriage by choice or not in the same camp as the throw-away types I referred to.  NOT AT ALL.  I was afraid someone might think that after I wrote it...

Honestly, I'm not anti-divorce....To be honest, some of the things I've read here make me wonder why some people stay at all...they amaze me....but those that don't, having endured their spouses MLC, are not throw away types....again, I would never in a million years put them in the same camp as the MLCer...who ARE the throw away types, at least during MLC.

Sorry for the confusion.

[stayed]

I agree, divorce is too easy to get these days.  We really do live in a throwaway society.  There is very little, at this time that can be done about this.  Therefore, as much as this forum prefers to focus on the salvation of marriages/relationships, the statistics indicate that the probability of doing so, is much less then 50%.

That being the case, there is an ever greater need for the forum to help LBS's sort themselves out, become strong, healthy and able, to deal with whatever the outcome of our situations might be. Our goal is mostly to help each other take the focus off the MLC spouse and give it to ourselves.  Hopefully empowering each of us enough to prosper and pursue a happy, healthy life for ourselves, with or WITHOUT our MLCer.

[stayed]

Oh goodness absolutely, AnneJ most definitely does not rank in the group that THROWS away marriages.  You AnneJ have already been standing longer then I have been reconciled with my h.  You have every right dear, to make the decision you have.  In my opinion, you have been a most devoted STANDER, and I bow to your strength, willpower and stamina. 

I am delighted that you are finally going to release yourself and try to live again.  You deserve the best life has to offer AnneJ, as does LisaLives.  What each of you bring to this forum is PROOF that life does go on, that it takes just as much effort to let go and decide to go it alone, as it does to stand.  That whatever any of us choose to do, it can be done with grace and honour. 

Thank you so much for bringing your knowledge, experience and convictions to our forum.  All knowledge is empowering and we need all we can get.

hugs Stayed