[LisaLives]

Quote from AC:

If you only did 1% or 2% of the "damage" to the relationship, then you are personally responsible for that 1% or 2%.  The focus would be to look at your own self, and your own actions, and then actively work on the 1% or 2% that is on your side of the street.  Then thereafter the focus is to keep your side of the street clean and to keep looking for healthy ways to respond in the relationship.  The focus isn't on the MLC'ers issues or what they "should" be doing to face their issues.  Nope.  Look at yourself and if needed get your own self to counseling to do exactly what you're hoping for from your MLC'er: namely to be brave enough to face the fact you may have some work to do!


But that would mean that we would have to KNOW what it is we did wrong.  According to my exH, I needed to golf more and make his mother happy--I'll happily pass.  I KNOW we had negative communication patterns, but I also know we needed help to get to a better place.  I tried my best on my own, but I needed some cooperation.  He wanted me to give him more time, but I needed him to give me more help if he wanted backrubs and time on the sofa.  We needed a mediator for years...  But those were patterns of interaction and there is no way for me to work on that by myself.  We all have work to do, but if all I knew was that he hated my hair color but couldn't tell me what he wanted, it would do me no good to go blonde when what he really wanted was an indescribable shade of green...  And besides what I really want is a man who can love me just the way I am--with the hair color I've chosen ;-)!     

[Anjae]

Yes, crazy, an MCLer can end replay and still be with OW/OM. But it will not be the same thing. Some MClers remain married to the affair partner, or with the affair partner. Some people here on the forum had talked about such cases. Don't remember a single one where the MCLer had been happy or did not regret had remained with the affair partner. Also don't recall a single MLC i know of, form my life, where the MCLer, once out of the crisis, had not regret it all.

Anne,

You're speaking of a totally different possibility; one where the MLC'er MAY choose to go on and marry the OW while in Replay; but this does NOT end the crisis, nor will it end the stage of Replay, the MLC'er who marries the affair is still in a fantasy world; therefore stays in REPLAY either for some time or the rest of their lives.  In fact, the crisis as a whole CONTINUES for the MLC'er...
And most of them after they go stupid and marry their affair end up stuck in the tunnel; the affair partner has NO clue nor inclination to help them; therefore their time can either be lengthened because of this mistake or they choose NOT to go any farther; and remain within the stage of Replay for the rest of their lives.


For a MLC'er to be able to return and rebuild their marriage with the LBS; the affair partner MUST be GONE completely in order to navigate to the next stage.  They must awaken to what they are doing first before things begin to change toward the latter end of Replay.

Was about to add that, if the MCLer ends up with the affair partner, it is because they have married them when in replay. And of those, some that stay together will never get out replay. Maybe there is one or other than, since they already divorced the spouse, now don't want to divorce again and have to stick to their poor replay choice. Normally the MCLer will get rid of the affair partner when replay is done.

But you got here first, HB. 

Affaircare, of course that if someone is being verbally abusive we do not need to answer the same way. Yes, we can choose not to joint that but we can also choose to not to put up with such behaviour. But MLC is a little more than a partner that is verbally abusive or has a normal affair.


Of course the view of marriage may be diferent.

For me it is important that both parts keep the promise. Not to say, because you got someone else, I will to (just out of revenge). But from the moment the promise made before me (I had a civil marriage, so the promise was made before me, not God), is broken, I no longer feel obliged to keep mine. one thing would be if I had broken the promise before OW1 come along. From then on I  no longer have to keep my part of the promise, because, for me, it ends when one of the parts break it. Of course the promise can be remade (and may never be broke again).

And, anyway, my husband was aware of that view of mine before we got married so, he cannot even complain if I date. However, MLC was not part of the plan, nor was having one of us cheating.

[Love being on higher grounds]

However, MLC was not part of the plan, nor was having one of us cheating.


I dont think this is part of anyones plan...

It is all thrown upon us, and we have to cope with it...in one way or another...

hugs,
L

[Anjae]

However, MLC was not part of the plan, nor was having one of us cheating.


I dont think this is part of anyones plan...

It is all thrown upon us, and we have to cope with it...in one way or another...

hugs,
L

No, don't think it is part of anyone's plan. What can happen is that there may be people who are aware (before it had fall upon our heads) that MLC exists and may happen in their marriage. If so, those people may deal with it better. Just may...One never knows how one reacts until things really happen.

[crazyforhim]

Ok HB...I misunderstood a sentence you wrote...my bad! Sorry- I don't want to misquote or take anything you say in the wrong way.

I understand there is also no time limit for Replay as it could be 2 years or longer- I am in the longer category as BD is almost 27 months now...so Replay is longer than that, right? That's quite a long time and I'm wondering if it's longer because of the first time cut short.

Limitless- thanks for the link 

[HeartsBlessing]

Ok HB...I misunderstood a sentence you wrote...my bad! Sorry- I don't want to misquote or take anything you say in the wrong way.

I understand there is also no time limit for Replay as it could be 2 years or longer- I am in the longer category as BD is almost 27 months now...so Replay is longer than that, right? That's quite a long time and I'm wondering if it's longer because of the first time cut short.

Limitless- thanks for the link 

Crazy4Him,

One of my biggest concerns is to make sure I don't write in such a way that would lead someone astray, or give them wrong information, or even a wrong impression.  That's an aspect that has always been within me; regardless of what I may speak or write about.

 I know within myself that if I'm not careful with what I say, and someone goes a wrong way; then I'M the one who's held accountable for not making myself crystal clear with whatever advice I'm giving or any aspect I'm writing about; and I take that seriously.

Sounds crazy; but it's true.

Oh, AffairCare I apologize for all of the hijacks; and I will withdraw from your thread now.....I honestly forgot where I was for awhile; I'd been hopping between two different threads for several hours, and it wasn't until I saw you begin to post again; that I realized that me and several others had literally taken up residence on your thread.

Again, I apologize, and withdraw.

Have a good one.

[LisaLives]

I don't think you can hijack a discussion thread, can you?  Isn't that what they're for?

[crazyforhim]

Affaircare- I too am sorry for the hijack. HB had mentioned something in a post and it related to a question I was looking to be answered.
So sorry, was totally off topic to your thread. My apologies 
CFH

But I do thank you HB for answering my question- even if it was a hijack...LOL! Much thanks 

[Anjae]

I also don't think a discussion thread can be hijacked...

So, think AC does not mind with us all here. 

[limitless]

Hijack?  What hijack?  There's no hijack.

Just some good discussion.

L