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Author Topic: MLC Monster MLC'ers are not the enemy

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MLC Monster Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#70: November 09, 2011, 08:56:59 AM
Yes JA...  Exactly!... I had lost myself as well.  very well put.
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me : 44
H : 38
D20, D11, D7
BD 3/18/10
Found about OW 3/21/10
H moved out 5/13/10
5/16/10 OW found her fiancee hanging over their A
5/31/10 I miscarried our baby
10/1/10 H moved in with OW
10/13/10 I filed for D
I/5/11 H started to see me several times a week.
11/21/11 H moved home
in and out of mental institutes
2 /17/12 I filed a restraing order
3/8/12 H filed a D
D finalized 2/12/13

L
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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#71: November 09, 2011, 09:45:26 AM
S&D, I am with you on this.  I could never go back to being the person my exH married.  She was young, naive, insecure and pretty self-centered.  Getting married and having kids, growing up and learning about and facing all sorts of challenges, including our S13's cancer diagnosis, moving and changing careers three times has changed me--I would argue mostly for the better, but I definitely grew a harder and more cynical edge that I work on, also.  I was totally lost in our M and being a parent.  I abo$l()tely, positively did neglect him and our M, but holy hell, I needed help and I was not getting it from him. 

I have rediscovered me, in part, but I grow and change every day, still, and dating has changed me and taught me more about myself.  I think, perhaps, that standing gives most here, OP being a leader, a different perspective on what needs to be fixed.  If the only person you know you want in your life is your MLCer, then I guess you do have to change to suit them and consider what they said more seriously since all that has to be healed.  We all morph to meet the needs of other people in our lives, that is what relationships are about.  I have friends who are totally out there extroverts and when I am with them I can sit back and be entertained.  I have other friends who are more cerebral and reserved and they depend on me to be the life of the party.  I am neither of the people I am when I am with them, but I am all of that some of the time.  If I knew I wanted exH back at all costs, then I would have to find a way to make peace with his mother.   

But, I never stood.  I said that from the beginning.  If he was going to throw our lives out the window, then I wanted to make a conscious choice.  When we married, we went on a two year religion shopping adventure that is pretty much the same.  In the end we settled on my tradition, but we looked at everything.  When this happened, I looked at dating the same way.  I have learned there ARE men who can talk about their feelings--including insecurities and fears.  I want that.  I had no idea how closed H really was and how much I struggled because of it.  I also want a man who has friends--H never did and it was too much responsibility to be his everything.  I also really want someone who appreciates my talent for entertaining.  H was always frustrated because I never had any "hobbies."  But cooking and entertaining ARE my hobby and because he didn't like people, he could never appreciate that, and I want someone who can.  I recently stopped dating a perfectly nice man because he doesn't like seafood. 

My friends think I am being too picky, and I am willing to compromise, but there are SO MANY compromises in a relationship and since I don't NEED one, I can afford to wait for the right bargain.  I would never have known what it is was about my M that made me so stunted if I had not started dating, and I fear I might have taken exH back at some point without ever knowing who I really am if I had not opened that door.  I would never have given up what I had unless he made the choice.  To me marriage and family are a forever commitment.  But once he trashed it, I wanted to know where I really stood.  I am not closed to the idea of R, but he has to meet me in the middle, I am not walking all the way back to his side again. 

There are things the ME I am now needs and deserves and I am strong enough to stand up for myself.  The me I was 20 years ago didn't have a clue or a backbone.  And I did post this to be somewhat provocative.  I often wonder if it is possible to truly do ME work if you are standing--because standing does close many doors of exploration...  Just a thought, Lisa     
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The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...

BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her... 

LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...

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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#72: November 09, 2011, 10:35:17 AM
I don't believe that most of us here want our spouses "at all costs"... I think its more "i am giving it time to see if this marriage is what i really want". A lot of us have constant doubts but because we have children or a length of time together... That maybe we owe it to ourselves to see if this can be salvaged before we go with what society dictates... To automatically kick them to the curb. I myself have filed for divorce and actually today it will be dismissed and not on the books of the court. I never wanted my marriage "at all costs". I wanted the time to make a decision. I feel that is very black or white but really most of us are in the gray.
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me : 44
H : 38
D20, D11, D7
BD 3/18/10
Found about OW 3/21/10
H moved out 5/13/10
5/16/10 OW found her fiancee hanging over their A
5/31/10 I miscarried our baby
10/1/10 H moved in with OW
10/13/10 I filed for D
I/5/11 H started to see me several times a week.
11/21/11 H moved home
in and out of mental institutes
2 /17/12 I filed a restraing order
3/8/12 H filed a D
D finalized 2/12/13

k
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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#73: November 09, 2011, 10:45:53 AM


I agree that it is easy to get lost in these roles, but tbh, those roles are supposed to change us! There are things about being a mother that made me a better person than I was before. I think you are right that getting subsumed by those roles can make us lose our identity and we sometimes let that happen. On the otherhand  part of me wonders if I would have been less subsumed in the role of motherhood if H was not simultaneously rejecting his role as a responsible and committed father and parenting PARTNER to me? I mean SOMEONE HAD TO BE THE RESPONSIBLE ONE!

S and D - extremely good points - Both of them.
Yes, being a mother and also wife, has made me a better person than I was before - you're right - it's meant to. 
Also agree - the solo parenting/responsible one starts long before BD, as our partners take ever increasing steps away from us all.
I also felt I had no choice but to pick up the ball.
I guess it could be argued that we could - but I figure my kids are going through enough rubbish - they don't need me losing it as well. Heck - I don't need me losing it either!  Although I sometimes feel like it.
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c
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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#74: November 09, 2011, 11:30:48 AM
I have been reading and trying to get my thoughts together on this to post.

All I know is if my H wasn't in MLC than I wouldn't be here standing. If this wasn't MLC then the cheating, lying, manipulating would be H just being plain and simple an *sshole!

I would not be loving H and trying to find out everything I can about MLC and being here on this wonderful forum and venting/listening to all of you. So to me that means I MUST love this man to pieces bc otherwise I would have walked away by now. So again obviously they were wonderful, loving, caring people or we wouldn't have fallen in love with them (before MLC).
So I guess my point is that my H is a wonderful man (underneath the mask) and I think he deserves understanding and prayers. So I will be here for him and pray for him and hope he gets through this and I will get through this and WE will both be better people from it and have both learned tremendous lessons in the process. I have learned what I did/didn't do in the marriage and how I can make it better in the future.
Who could ask for more than that.

I may be way off topic but just wanted to post my 2 cents...LOL!
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s
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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#75: November 09, 2011, 11:33:15 AM
I have got to wade in here.  I have always advocated using this time to TRULY figure out what you want.  We have been tossed into this situation, totally against our free will.  In my mind, we owe it to ourselves to consider every possible option.

Lisa lives says:
Quote
I often wonder if it is possible to truly do ME work if you are standing--because standing does close many doors of exploration...  Just a thought, Lisa     
Funny Lisa, I found that STANDING protected me!  Standing preventing me from rushing out there and getting my echo stroked by a stupid ONE NIGHT STAND, or even worse, let me commit myself to some totally inappropriate person, who I thought was MY WHITE KNIGHT, rescuing me in my distress.  Waking up a year later, finding myself with some weirdo, who had stole all my money and was abusive... hehehe (nothing like the worse case scenario eh  :o

I was really quite frightened of what I MIGHT be suckered in to, as I was very aware of how vulnerable I was, how defenseless I felt and how damage my confidence and self esteem had been damaged.  STANDING was like a lovely warm blanket, made of Kevlar or something. 

Standing gave me time to figure out what I wanted to do.  I can totally understand your logic Lisa lives and S&D, perhaps if you had not done the dating thing to any extent before you gave yourselves to your husbands, then this is something you needed to know.  I had done the dating scene, I had not ENJOYED it much to be completely honest.  I didn't enjoy the games, the 3 date rule, the stuff.  I was fairly secure and confident about myself and was not in any rush to get back into what I once thought of as the "meat grind".

Great discussion. 

hugs Stayed

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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#76: November 09, 2011, 11:41:51 AM
I completely agree stayed.

For a short time before i was open to standing... Everyone was telling me to date and i did. I shortly realized that i could get myself into another situation when i wasn't healed yet and could end up making my life worse... You said it perfectly! I've been on both sides and have done my greatest growth while standing.

OMR
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me : 44
H : 38
D20, D11, D7
BD 3/18/10
Found about OW 3/21/10
H moved out 5/13/10
5/16/10 OW found her fiancee hanging over their A
5/31/10 I miscarried our baby
10/1/10 H moved in with OW
10/13/10 I filed for D
I/5/11 H started to see me several times a week.
11/21/11 H moved home
in and out of mental institutes
2 /17/12 I filed a restraing order
3/8/12 H filed a D
D finalized 2/12/13

e
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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#77: November 09, 2011, 11:46:10 AM
IMHO in the early days it is quite normal to ask yourself whether what they said about you was indeed true or not...  whenever I read threads I've never really see the LBS saying the MLCer's are their enemy, they just wanted to vent and probably get some sort of confirmation that the real reason why they say these things about us is because they are justifying why they have chosen someone else or wanting to be with someone else.  I personally would have accepted the situation a lot sooner if in the beginning... she would just say that she is falling for someone else.  Because, to be accused of sexually abusing her to relatives and friends took the pain to a different level.  To simplify what I am trying to say I would use this analogy:

When I bought my "Boring, but Practical" TOYOTA Corolla 4 years ago and find myself wanting to buy a BMW someday...   I should just say to my friends that I just feel like buying a BMW because I can now afford it, and not say that my Old Corolla was not fast enough, or flashy enough, I put up with short comings of this Corolla for 4 years and now I would have the nerve to say it wasn't good.  I'm sure my Corolla someday will be attractive to a new owner someday that values the "Practicality and dependability" of a Corolla.  Specially now that gas is expensive someone will own that Corolla because of it's 35 MPG.
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G
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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#78: November 09, 2011, 11:49:54 AM
And what of the cruelty they dish out?   Needlessly, zero reason, for no gain.

Mine (and I think most here) wasn't just a situation of "I don't love you anymore I'm leaving and filing divorce" and  having some empathy and kindness in the immediate process.   Far from it.  For no reason.  We were BFF, talking, laughing, going to dinner.   Right up till the end.   Till BD.

I have to pick one:

1.  I married a true sociopath and for 19 years he hid that from me and others and it's coming out now.
2.  MLC

OK, How about MLC with a bit of 'lost the love'...   but MLC prevents "efforts" to try to save it or even try to go to counseling.

Sometimes I do think my husband is a sociopath.  But how could I miss it living with him daily all this time?   
So either I think he's a sociopath and mourn the day I met him even more than I do for the rest of my life (and that betrayal)...   or I choose to think he 'snapped' (MLC) and is really a good person inside.

But I'd think if it was merely a walk-away spouse or merely haven't been in love for years - there wouldn't be this insane horrible treatment.   Offers no gain.  Other than making divorce bad for them for retribution for the cruelty.
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BD #1  9/09
D filed  9/09
D dismissed  11/09
BD #2  3/10
Moved out 3/11
OW confirmed 5/11
D filed  6/11

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Re: MLC'ers are not the enemy
#79: November 09, 2011, 12:12:52 PM
Stayed - love it "the meat-grind" thing. Tbh, when I say I am "dating", all I mean is that I have allowed myself to be open to romantic involvement. I have no desire to join online forums, trawl bars and have friends hook me up with their single/divorced friends. I would rather stay at home and knit (really!) and spend time with my kids and friends. But I met someone on a picnic, we became friends, we met to go for lunch and some walks in the park together on weekends when my kids were away. He knew from the first meeting that I was separated and had kids and over time I realised that I like him and he made it clear that he liked me. And during the course of getting to know this person I have had to do a different type of reflection (bear in mind that I have been completely on my own for a year now - well other than for a no strings fling with an old friend for 1 week during the summer :-X ) about myself, my marriage, my view on relationships and my H. Perhaps my inexperience of the world, of men, of relationships all did have a part to play in my marriage break-down. Because we had not forged individual identities before we met. I don't know if I need to explore lots of different relationships, but becoming romantically involved with someone different and new has opened my eyes to certain things about myself in the marriage. I have had to reconsider some views I had about things. Not only that but when you are together VERY young you expect that you KNOW everything about the other person - you tell each other everything, you know each others histories almost like they are your own (because lets face it you don't have a very long life history before 18) and then you ASSUME that you continue to know everything about that person. In a new, older relationship it would seem absurd to expect that I could know and understand EVERYTHING that has happened in his 44 years on the planet. So the starting point is completely different. Anyway, I am not really making a point, just musing...
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