S&D, I am with you on this. I could never go back to being the person my exH married. She was young, naive, insecure and pretty self-centered. Getting married and having kids, growing up and learning about and facing all sorts of challenges, including our S13's cancer diagnosis, moving and changing careers three times has changed me--I would argue mostly for the better, but I definitely grew a harder and more cynical edge that I work on, also. I was totally lost in our M and being a parent. I abo$l()tely, positively did neglect him and our M, but holy hell, I needed help and I was not getting it from him.
I have rediscovered me, in part, but I grow and change every day, still, and dating has changed me and taught me more about myself. I think, perhaps, that standing gives most here, OP being a leader, a different perspective on what needs to be fixed. If the only person you know you want in your life is your MLCer, then I guess you do have to change to suit them and consider what they said more seriously since all that has to be healed. We all morph to meet the needs of other people in our lives, that is what relationships are about. I have friends who are totally out there extroverts and when I am with them I can sit back and be entertained. I have other friends who are more cerebral and reserved and they depend on me to be the life of the party. I am neither of the people I am when I am with them, but I am all of that some of the time. If I knew I wanted exH back at all costs, then I would have to find a way to make peace with his mother.
But, I never stood. I said that from the beginning. If he was going to throw our lives out the window, then I wanted to make a conscious choice. When we married, we went on a two year religion shopping adventure that is pretty much the same. In the end we settled on my tradition, but we looked at everything. When this happened, I looked at dating the same way. I have learned there ARE men who can talk about their feelings--including insecurities and fears. I want that. I had no idea how closed H really was and how much I struggled because of it. I also want a man who has friends--H never did and it was too much responsibility to be his everything. I also really want someone who appreciates my talent for entertaining. H was always frustrated because I never had any "hobbies." But cooking and entertaining ARE my hobby and because he didn't like people, he could never appreciate that, and I want someone who can. I recently stopped dating a perfectly nice man because he doesn't like seafood.
My friends think I am being too picky, and I am willing to compromise, but there are SO MANY compromises in a relationship and since I don't NEED one, I can afford to wait for the right bargain. I would never have known what it is was about my M that made me so stunted if I had not started dating, and I fear I might have taken exH back at some point without ever knowing who I really am if I had not opened that door. I would never have given up what I had unless he made the choice. To me marriage and family are a forever commitment. But once he trashed it, I wanted to know where I really stood. I am not closed to the idea of R, but he has to meet me in the middle, I am not walking all the way back to his side again.
There are things the ME I am now needs and deserves and I am strong enough to stand up for myself. The me I was 20 years ago didn't have a clue or a backbone. And I did post this to be somewhat provocative. I often wonder if it is possible to truly do ME work if you are standing--because standing does close many doors of exploration... Just a thought, Lisa
The best thing about banging your head against the wall for so long is that it feels so good when you finally stop...
BD 1/16/10
D Final 7/21/11
exH married OW the next week and moved across the country to be with her...
LL CHOSE to live happily ever after...