[Affaircare]

Lately I have been having a major problem with a few posts and where they are heading, and I am concerned that I'm the only one seeing it. 

MLC'ers may indeed be addicted to the "zing" of an affair or may be in MLC fog and seem to not be themselves, but what I'm hearing is almost a "it's all THEM and THEY have the issue--I'm fine" kind of tone.  I know it may not be popular or easy to hear, but a marriage is TWO individuals in intimate relation with each other, and somewhere along the line it may have been working great for you, but it wasn't working so great for your spouse!  You wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was misery for you but "perfect" for your spouse--and somewhere along the road you might hope that they would care that it's not working for you.  And yes, some MLC'ers may be in "fog" and may have re-written history, but to say that it's all "THEM" and "THEIR issues" is just ignoring the toothpick in your own eye to point out the toothpick in theirs. 

Again I do realize it is hard to hear, and I realize it even may hurt to hear, but even if it was sheer heavenly bliss for you, if it wasn't sheer heavenly bliss for your spouse then there is an issue and you BOTH need to address it, not just them.  Very, VERY often an MLC'er will say something like "I haven't been happy for years" and what they mean is that resentment has slowly been building over the years until it became intolerable (crisis).  However, the LBS will look at photos from Christmas 9 months ago and say "S/He was all smiles!  LOOK!  They were happy!  They've just re-written history to justify!" but in reality, the nine months also included nightly fighting, ignoring each other, coming and going and barely seeing each other, the LBS saying snipey hurtful things, turning the cold shoulder to each other, being demanding or controlling or manipulative, ignoring each other's physical needs, etc.  So it's not 100% "re-written history"--there really and truly was something wrong for those 9 months but the LBS looks at the pictures as proof "they were happy" and just goes on to dismiss everything the MLC'er says!!!

So ultimately it is up to you to decide.  You can choose to put all the blame on your MLC'er (just like they are doing to you) and say "they have a mental disorder"  and "we only have to work on ourselves because we didn't love ourselves enough" and close your eyes.  OR  you can consider that a small portion of what the MLC'er said has a point.  FOR THEM things were not hunky dory and they had very bad skills to communicate that to you.  FOR THEM what you were doing to them hurt them deeply until eventually they hit an inner crisis point.  FOR THEM it was bad enough to consider doing what they know is wrong and what makes them internally ILL.  And yes a person in MLC does blameshift, does experience fog, and does justify--but the reason you work on yourself is because of the small percentage of what an MLC'er says that really is true.  You work on yourself to stop thinking of your spouse as an extension of you and view them as an entirely separate and equal individual who may well be 100% DIFFERENT than you--and to stop treating someone you say you love with the cold shoulder, fighting and blaming of your own.

If you just dismiss what the MLC'er says, then you would be doing exactly what you accuse them of: blaming someone else and not having the courage to face YOURSELF.  So for those of you who are LBS's here, I lay down a challenge.  Rather than looking at your MLC'er and thinking, "Wow they are a mess" and then listing all their disorders and personal issues, think about what they said and ask yourself "What part of this holds a kernel of truth?  What do I need to learn as a person or hear as a partner from this?"  The way you chose to treat them in the past may not have been nearly as bad as what they say or claim, but what would happen if your MLC'er said, "You ALWAYS try to make me go shopping" (using hyper's example--thanks hyper) and you said "Hmm...so it sounds like you feel like I try to force you to do stuff.  Is that how it seems to you?"  WHOA!   You just "heard" them and you didn't say they were right or wrong or anything....just asked what it seemed like in their world!  Because as much as your world and how it seems is "real" to you--their world and how it seems is "real" to them!

Anyway, I'm sure this will be interesting and I'm expecting some flame but I'm ready.  Let's discuss.

[Love being on higher grounds]

Please let me give you a high five!

This is what I always thought the forums were about!

hugs, L

[good4me]

Affair

I am not offended or upset in the slightest by your awareness of the "blame game" that is exhibited around here. Yes at times I too can easily blame my H but the truth of the matter is that "we" got to this place because of "our" actions or lack of actions. We failed to do our part to make the other partner heard and followed thru on their feelings and perceptions of our faults/shortcomings. It is so very easy to place blame on the MLC spouse that has left or stayed at home. But I know I contributed to this crisis. There are alot of things I am learning to do differently in regards to my H and our marriage. Change can be very hard but I love my H and myself enough to make the changes that will bring true happiness and a sense of self awareness. I now realize that I cannot and should not expect my husband to make me happy and complete me. That was selfish of me to put that kind of pressure on him.

[BonBon]

Quoting Affaircare:

"FOR THEM what you were doing to them hurt them deeply until eventually they hit an inner crisis point.  FOR THEM it was bad enough to consider doing what they know is wrong and what makes them internally ILL"

You've written that whatever we did hurt them badly enough to hit an inner crisis point.  How would that account for the single person who has an MLC?  That presumes it takes two to tango and I'm sorry but I don't believe that is true 100% of the time.   Maybe 1% or maybe 99% but not 100%. 

And what do I take from the statements my H has made over and over again that I haven't done anything to hurt him, ever and that these are his internal issues about failure and fears of aging and so forth?

I'm sorry...I'm not trying to flame.  I don't think its bad to analyze but I just don't agree with this in all the cases. 

[StillStanding]

This is very well said. MLCers are not the only ones capable of rewriting history, denial, and projecting their issues onto others. And the fact that the MLCer is in an obvious crisis can make it easier to do so.

Just as our spouses bring their issues and emotional baggage into the marriage (not even counting MLC!), so do we. I suspect there are a large percentage of readers and posters who could admit to control and codependency issues, abandonment issues, and victim identity issues. I'm starting to think that if an LBS doesn't actually see a counselor of their own, they are missing an opportunity to heal themselves.

[Love being on higher grounds]

SS I agree with you too.

BonBon,

ANY happening or change os some sort can spin someone into a crisis...My h's for example was his father having a heart attack...

We as their spouses, take the brunt of the blame for their unhappiness...or their significant other...I would tend to believe because we are the closest people to them

HUgs,
L

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Hi AC

Infidelity is a terrible thing, whether the cheating spouse is in an MLC or not.  However, I've always thought if there is a bright spot from the whole ugly mess it's the opportunity to address any shortcomings that have been brought to the forefront by an affair.  If these things do get addressed, then the recovered relationship gets better than either party had believed is possible.

Also I think the offending spouse learns (the hard way) that going out to find somebody else is no way to solve their problems.

What you are saying isn't wrong just be careful how you say it.  Some spouses really are near-perfect and still get cheated on.

If I find my suspicions are right and my H is interested in an OW I am willing to look inside and see what I could've done better.

[WarriorPriestess]

Very interesting post here Affaircare.  My own theory is that MLC is caused primarily by the MLCer's personal issues, but that once BD occurs it is a prime time for us as LBSers to look at ourselves and our role within the relationship.  What do we need to improve about ourselves?  What can we do to improve the dynamic within our relationship?   Because you are right, none of us is perfect.  We all have issues, and perhaps we never would have faced them unless forced to.  That being said, I think if a MLC is brewing, it would happen even if the MLCer was married to "the perfect spouse."

[StillStanding]

"FOR THEM what you were doing to them hurt them deeply until eventually they hit an inner crisis point.  FOR THEM it was bad enough to consider doing what they know is wrong and what makes them internally ILL"

You've written that whatever we did hurt them badly enough to hit an inner crisis point.  How would that account for the single person who has an MLC?  That presumes it takes two to tango and I'm sorry but I don't believe that is true 100% of the time.   Maybe 1% or maybe 99% but not 100%.

Where does Affaircare state that MLC is always the fault of the other spouse? There is nothing in her post that suggests that. Maybe you should re-read the original post, especially the part where she said "OR you can consider that a small portion of what the MLC'er said has a point."

And what do I take from the statements my H has made over and over again that I haven't done anything to hurt him, ever and that these are his internal issues about failure and fears of aging and so forth?

He may very well be telling the truth; that doesn't invalidate what Affaircare said.

I'm sorry...I'm not trying to flame.  I don't think its bad to analyze but I just don't agree with this in all the cases.

And Affaircare wasn't implying that it was true in all cases. Nothing that we discuss is 100% true in all cases, otherwise would wouldn't be making distinctions such as "Vanisher", "Clinging Boomerang", "High-energy MLCer", "Low energy MLCer", or all of the shades in between; there would just be this monolithic syndrome called "Midlife Crisis".

[Dontgiveup]

Affaircare

I like the title of the thread, as I agree the MLCer is not the enemy.  My issue, however, is that I get the impression you are very closely relating MLC to a lack of communication, and other issues, in the marriage.  I'm not so on board with that.  MLC is caused by a lack of development from an earlier time in life.  MLCers lack coping skills.  Most LBS are more than willing to work on the marriage.  The MLCer is not.  Not even close.  MLCers have the Urge to Abandon.  MLCers run.

From Affaircare
"And yes, some MLC'ers may be in "fog" and may have re-written history"

This applies to more than some MLCers, it applies to virtually all.  They are symptomatic of MLC.


From RCR's article Midlife Crisis Takes Time
"Though no one is perfect, in the beginning you will search your own behaviour for what went wrong. Since the MLCer often offers a long list of your transgressions, it is not a difficult search. In the beginning, many LBS's accept this blame, using it as the excuse for the bad marriage. For many experiencing this crisis in their marriage, there was no bad marriage. Though nothing is perfect, many problems were not significant enough to warrant danger. The problem is the Midlife Crisis."