Affaircare, I think your post is perhaps a little "one size fits all" but from what I have read in your other posts I am sure you mean well.
When I found out about the adultery in a telephone conversation with W, my W said she was confused, "I'm confused, I am confused", she said. "No one plans for this to happen".
When she eventually came home she said, "I'm not so dependent on you now". I had no idea what she was talking about. She had her own career, bank account, income, retirement plan, successful in her career as a manager working internationally for a multi national.
She also said to our daughter, "I'm[her] not the first person for this to happen to and I'm sure I won't be the last". And to daughter, "you've had relationships, you must understand. back me in this, back me in this".
On another occasion when I asked her "why?", she said, "I think its because I don't love you any more". "Its not you its me", she said. "I've discovered myself", she said.
In hindsight the closest I can come to seeing the signs in the months before BD was one occasion when I was moaning about the work a plumber had recently done in our bathroom. I was just thinking out loud. She said, "why are you having a go at me?" I was confused and said "I'm moaning about the plumber." "it feels like you are having a go at me.", she said. My mind often goes back to that incident and think how strange it was.
I do a little running to keep fit. Before BD she told me I was obsessed with running. I wasn't obsessed with running but around that time she had joined a gym in the country in which she was working and was very enthusiast about Spinning and how much it made her sweat which was good because it helped weight loss. She was projecting her recently acquired obsession on to me.
She was coming home at weekends after BD (I had at this time learnt a little about MLC) and one evening I sat down next to her while she was watching TV. I was in such emotional agony, but after a little while I very gently said to her, "you know what you are going through is a recognised condition". Her bottom lip started to quiver and she said, "I can't help it."…"If the children ever need me you will let me know won't you?" It was emotional agony. My anguish was so intense. It just seemed like she was going into self-destruct and there was nothing I could do to help her.
So I guess I am saying she never told me she was unhappy. She never told me I was doing anything wrong before BD and she didn't tell me I had done anything wrong after BD. She told our son, "now you and your sister have grown up its time for me [her] to grow up". Therefore growing up equates to lies and adultery. It was all just so strange and made no sense.
"FOR THEM what you were doing to them hurt them deeply until eventually they hit an inner crisis point. FOR THEM it was bad enough to consider doing what they know is wrong and what makes them internally ILL." This statement could easily be interpreted as harsh by those LBS here who may have been subjected to gaslighting and other forms of psychological bullying from their MLCer. The MLCer could have been telling the LBS its "all your fault" and made them believe they are very bad. Battered and abused spouses stay in relationships because they rationalise they are such bad people they deserve their beating.
I can envisage circumstances where people may do things that are "wrong" i.e. impoverished people may steal to feed their families or someone may kill in self defence in life and death scenarios but I struggle to envisage circumstances where someone "has to" commit adultery and make themselves internally ill.
When some LBS say they are working on themselves I don't think this an admission of wrong doing but rather acknowledging their need to recover from heartbreak and pain. And some LBS have been in abusive relationships where the MLCer has waged covert aggression against the LBS. Thus the LBS is working on themselves to improve their self-esteem and heal from the wounds they have received during the storm. Some LBS have been well and truly worked over. "working on themselves" is synonymous with recovery and seeing clearly.
honour
Author
Topic: 
MLC'ers are not the enemy