[Anjae]

Maybe, Kikki. The obsession with OW seems to die relatively quick in most MLCers. It will be transferred to another OW or they escape of choice. The way I see it OW/OM obsession is more similar to drug/gambling or other addiction that to normal fall in love/ and/or romantic love.

Since many of us spend decades with the same person and there was a lot of love involved, including romantic love, I would say that our brains, at the time, were like the ones that article talks about for couples who have long lasting romantic love.

Loving's team is studying how people who have recently fallen in love respond to stressful situations. They hypothesize that people for whom the love is still new will respond to the stress and recover from it quicker than those who have recently been in a breakup or have been in a relationship for a long time.

Wonder how this plays out for our MLCers… They have both, a breakout and a “fall in love” situation…

To my knowledge iamnottheenemy there are none of those autoimmune disorders you mention in Mr J family.

A 1995 study in the journal Demography found that marriage adds seven years to a man's life and two years to a woman's.

So, we have 7 or 2 years less of life because we no longer have marriages... cool... NOT!

[Slow Fade]

Studies have shown that people who have frequent sex are generally healthier

Oh goody, so I surmise that I should be dropping dead any moment now...

Move over Wed2Him, I will be right there beside you! lol! 

[toughtimes]

Tbh annej I don't think I really want an extra 2 years at the end of my life! Seven extra years for a man though is significant!

Most of our MLCers are dealing with stress in their work lives .... So they have the stress of work and the break down of a marriage ... No wonder they go for anything to relieve that stress! My H said to at BD "I can handle work, I can handle being a dad but I can't handle you aswell!" Biologically I get that, I do! Who wouldn't start $hagging the intern with its fantastic stress relieving properties! Wish he had tried St. John's wort and a massage first though!

Great to read ready2, I was missing the previous thread!

[Songanddance]

What about the biochemistry in LBS's brains after BD?
It must be quite significant to study as the trauma of BD is unique to all of us but our brains do work overtime too!
I have started taking 5 HTP (available from health stores) It contains tryptofan which converts to serotonin needed to keep calm and on an even keel. It helps me sleep much better than valerian did as it doesn't make me feel groggy or subdued. You only need it at night as the serotonin effect will last for much of the day.
Apparently serotonin regresses in shock/trauma conditions and that is why panic, fear and anxiety control the brain.
I have to say that having taken this now for the last month I am calmer and feel much more in control which is encouraging since BD was mid March this year.
Try it but not if you are currently taking St John's wort or any other Anti depressant without seeing your doctor.

[Thundarr]

Ironically, something along the lines of this topic crossed my mind this morning.  A few months ago I had a thread related to how the brain of an addict functions much differently than the brain of a non-addict and how it takes up to two years or more for the brain to return to normal functioning once the substance (in this case it was meth) is no longer being used.  Addicts use much less of their brain, which would explain several things from memory loss to poor judgment to impaired learning.  This was all demonstrated in the seminar through the use of electronic brain imaging.

So, my thought was two-fold.  First, were our spouses addicted to US (read: co-dependent) and therefore might they be going through the same type of brain reprogramming/ retraining that an addict would go through and this is what is causing the symptoms that we are able to see in them that we attribute to MLC?  (think chicken or the egg analogy here).  Also, are OUR brains going through something similar as it seems many of us were co-dependent and therefore experiencing extreme withdrawal symptoms not only from our spouses but the marriages/ relationships we had?  If that is true, then are our brains functioning in a way that WE are not perceiving the world the same as we normally would?  XYZCF mentioned something on my thread yesterday about her brain functioning about 70% as much as it did pre-BD and I can certainly relate to that as I know I'm still not mentally 100% even after two years and the D being finalized.  I don't know that I'll ever be, truthfully.

[kikki]

interesting theory Thundarr,

Also, are OUR brains going through something similar as it seems many of us were co-dependent and therefore experiencing extreme withdrawal symptoms not only from our spouses but the marriages/ relationships we had? 

Can't say I can agree with this though (co-dependency).  Many of us were in mid to very long term marriages - and the loss is not only for our relationship - it's also for what our children are being put through, and the loss of our family and hopes and dreams we had worked towards for many many years.  And most of us are still dealing with the financial and emotional fallout for everyone because of the crisis - plus dealing with the MLCer in the background, at the same time. 

As with all things - perhaps there are some people on the board who had co-denpendent relationships - that is not for me to say.  I have no idea. 
But to bundle up the LBS experience as being because we were co-dependent doesn't make any sense to me.  Just my thoughts and experience. 

[Anjae]

I'm with Kikki on the codependency thing. It does not make sense to me. A long term marriage/relationship is, among many other things, a mutual help and support relationship. Humans are dependent of each other by nature. If humans do not depend on each other they don't make it.

Attribute MLC to codependency and the MLCer being an addict to the LBS does not make sense. Sorry Thundarr and others, but if I cannot depend (rely) on my husband, then something is wrong with my marriage.

The LBS brain is, in my opinion, similar to the one of a person that suffered PTSD. Like Kikki said, many of us are still dealing with the effects of our spouses MLC, we still suffer the stress, the trials and tribulations.

Yes, it may take the MLCer’s brain some two years post crisis to go back to normal mode.

[justbelieve]

but if I cannot depend (rely) on my husband, then something is wrong with my marriage.

You know this just made me feel a lot better! I've mulled over the co-dependency thing for a while and questioned my own a lot since MLC. But in truth I think the only thing I was guilty of was loving my man and maybe spoiling him rotten. Is that so bad? I WAS a strong woman, I took no crap. But he was my everything. Did that make me co-dependant?? I don't think so but I was made to think so by my MLCer. But that's because HE couldn't love me the same. HE was letting ME down! No, I don't think I was co-dependant. I think as Anne said, I just relied on him. Plus if he was happy, I was happy. Is that so bad??

[Ready2Transform]

There was a point, while both of us were in crisis and living under the same roof, that there was something I would call codependence - but it was less about our relationship and more a really sick feeding of each others' issues.  Honestly, thinking of it gives me a very dirty feeling and probably a good window into what the Hoss and OW relationship is like.  It was a huge downgrade from the relationship we enjoyed for most of our years, which was full of mutual respect, and what we called the ability to just "be" in every way.  I can honestly say Standing and learning more about my H's crisis is the most energy I've ever sunk into focusing on our relationship as opposed to just living pretty merrily in the now all these years.  That in itself is probably more co-dependent than our marriage ever was.

[Anjae]

No  Justbelieve, it is not so bad. Spoiling him rotten may a little too much but I think you now know how not to do it.

Besides, lots of spouses spoil the other spouse rotten and none has a MLC. Some spouses never spoil a spouse rotten and the spouse has MLC.

We all depend of someone to a certain extend. Being it our boss/clients, friends, spouses, relatives. No man/woman is an island.

Same for me, Ready2. I never spend much time (if any) focusing in my relationship/marriage. I was living it, not analysing it. Even now I don't analyse the relationship that much. I prefer to concentrate on the neurobiochemical issues related to MLC and how those affect both MLCer and LBS.

I had a happy good marriage. Not a perfect one. It had ups, it had downs. Both me and Mr J knew long time relationships are made of good and not so good things.

We spend most of our time enjoying each other and working on our joint protect.

In fact, not being able to rely (depend) on our MLC spouses is one of our problems, isn't' it? We cannot count with them for anything. We either want to have some one we can depend upon, and can depend on us, or we want someone we cannot = an MLCer.

Don't think we want the latter...