[HeartsBlessing]

Kindness, niceness; however you term this is part of their continuing disrespect for the LBS...this is the bottom line.

AND an attempt to continue to suck you into their drama...so they can continue to justify their actions toward you...don't buy into that; detach and increase your distance from their drama.

I always knew when my husband was being"nice" he was doing something he shouldn't be doing, and guilt was driving him to the point that if he was "nice" to me; it would ease what he was feeling within.

Didn't work; I'd always catch him at whatever he was doing, increase my distance even more, refusing to engage him after catching him red-handed, and the anger would come forth once again in a mighty way.  Later on, I was so detached, I simply watched him spinning out...and when he finished, asked him, "Feel better now?"
Sometimes the question would bring on more spewing, sometimes not.

He never understood how I KNEW what he was doing....I let him know I would always know when he was doing wrong..and that wouldn't change, like it or lump it.

INCREASE your distance, show him NOTHING in the way of emotion....he is hurting HIMSELF, not YOU....and HE IS WRONG for whatever he's doing to rip down a family.

Anytime you see this, it means something is up..and the pattern NEVER changes on that.

You get to a point where you DO recognize when something is up, and in resignation, you think "What now?"

It is not until Withdrawal is broken that you begin to be able to trust the kindness/niceness/consideration that comes about within them once again.

But, until then?  Well, you keep half an eye on the situation..knowing that he's NOT doing this to YOU...he's hurting himself...and you no longer buy the "nice" routine.  You watch for whatever is coming out of that darkness he's hidden it in for as long as he's been ABLE to hide it in there.

Nothing done in the darkness ever stays there, it always comes out into the light to be seen/heard.

In other words, the truth of a situation will ALWAYS come out, and that truth will set you free, indeed.   The niceness is just a cover for their evil-doings..they're thinking that you won't ever find out what they are REALLY about.
It has also been said that the truth is stranger than fiction, and I definitely believe that.

This is "child's play" within the crisis.  Children will do much the same thing when they have done something wrong...they will be very nice until they've been busted, then they are upset.

Food for thought.

Have good one.

[Writingmom]

Thank you, HB.  It does help to be reminded that distance and no emotion are needed.  I got the mother of all spews last weekend.  Now it's not so much that he's being nice as he is trying to engage me in kid arrangements as OW is in town and kids have thoroughly been sucked in to the "fun" of all that. 

Does he want to throw it in my face by saying, "Whatever you think, but he wants to stay here tonight."  Twist the knife, why don't you.

I am trying not to engage.  Oldest son can text.  They can work it out. 

[justasking]

HB

You are spot on. My H took all the family out for a meal twice. Both times I found out he had taken OW away on holiday!

[Mermaid]

Their niceness does not have one cause.
Sometimes I think it is relief, not guilt. When my H goes out with OW, or writes to her and gets things off his chest, he is happy in the same way that he is when he's had a day to himself. He feels happy, not trapped, and is able to be nice.
The guilty look is slightly different. He's nice in a more sheepish sort of way.
He also wants to feel that I am OK, especially when he feels at a good point. He cares, but wants to be free. Once, after spending a weekend at our country house, he told put his arms around me and said "I'll always love you, even if I'm married to someone else". I was furious, and it took him a while to realise why, then he felt stupid/ clumsy.

[HeartsBlessing]

Another piece to the puzzle; another type of aspect.  Please read for your mental health; I don't doubt some of you have been puzzled as to why they are sometimes very nice; and doing very nice things.....you'll see why in the above post.

Bumping for the newbies.

[UNHAPPYPUP]

Hi:

I think I'm going to be up all night pondering this one tonight.

My H shoveled our driveway and deck today (though he usually does), cleaned two bathrooms, took two of my three for haircuts and did the dishes.  I had a busy day of chores and financial stuff myself, but...

He usually does clean when he is agitated. He cleans to the point of "eating off the floor clean". It's either he is helping out or that or he is getting ready to list our house.  I remember one day when he said he was "trying to love me" and said "I cleaned the garage for you!".  huh?  I was happy with the garage - it was fine. I never asked him to clean the garage, and texting his EA after cleaning the garage somehow wasn't doing it for me anyhow!

He has been looking me in the eye a lot this weekend, and being friendly, yet still a little snappy to the kids....like a cranky old man.  About six month prior to BD he got quite cranky, and I remember thinking "Oh shoot! He's going to be cranky as he gets old - I got a cranky one!" and that's the personality I see now as well. (He is early 40s btw...too young to be perpetually cranky!).

I have a feeling he has an appointment with a lawyer this week. That's what my intuition tells me.  It will be his first if he does and it will be very hard for him to go.

Frightening!

I wish I could trust and think he is just being nice and cleaning up. Maybe I am paranoid and monstracizing him and he did to me, because he has hurt me so much and my guard is up.

Tylenol PM here I come.

Good night everyone! I hope you are all finding enough peace to sleep through the night.   xo

[HeartsBlessing]

(He is early 40s btw...too young to be perpetually cranky!).

You are right, but this IS MLC; probably got Andropause thrown in the mix...and so he will be perpetually cranky for awhile..worse than a teenager.

I wish I could trust and think he is just being nice and cleaning up. Maybe I am paranoid and monstracizing him and he did to me, because he has hurt me so much and my guard is up.

The housecleaning and taking two of the children for haircuts to help you, is PURE guilt on his part.

The other, well, sometimes they find it in their hearts to help with the "heavy" stuff they know you have trouble with.

You know the take it all with a grain of salt; and watch to see what comes out of the dark.

[Hope for Zen]

My H is all over the place here!  I never got much of monster, and even then I don't think I got full force of it.  It has been the 'nice' that tears me up and keeps me spinning.  It helped once I saw a pattern with him though.  I know that nice usually means he is about to do something awful or is just tied in with his guilt somehow.

I kind of think it is his (lame) attempt to ballance the scales.  Very childish like HB said.

[Purple stain]

Ok, I've tried not to analyze my h's recent actions for that exact reason: I'm not in his head and I don't know his motif.

My h is in withdrawal and lives on his own. While I was gone, he left me Christmas presents and even wrapped them (a first), he took my car to the mechanic, got it cleaned. Then last week when I was sick, he replied within seconds when I asked if he could co
e over to take care of our dog as I was in bed with fever. Before he left, he was REALLY nice and asked twice if I needed meds and soup (he seemed happy to see me after almost 2 months).

Did he do all this just out of guilt? He's not living with me and chose to do all these things for me.
Or is this his way of showing he cares? He's always shown his love through actions...or is this where "it's in his actions"

Thanks!

Just a little confused here...

[UNHAPPYPUP]

Thanks HB:  I love your input, always.

I didn't last too much through the night.  As I fell asleep I set my worries aside and instead prayed for everyone on this board, plus an elderly friend of mine at work whose wife is gravely ill and he now cares for her at home because they have exceeded their 100 days of nursing home care and he can't afford $800/day for facility care.  SOOOooo sad.  A true tragedy....dnd he is one of our heroes - a Vietnam Veteran!  Where is the justice!?!  I so admire his dedication to his wife...truly inspiring.

So I prayed and I asked God to be by their side. I then prayed and asked for strength for whatever was brewing in my H's head that was going to come my way. I was afraid to go to work and have a process server show up at my office today! God seemed to say to me  "Just stay still.  Lay still. Keep your thoughts to yourself and sleep".

So I did.  I had nightmares. First someone was chasing me and I woke up a bit past midnight and realized my H hadn't come to bed yet - third time in three nights he stayed up later than I and past midnight.  In the olden days (last year) I would have realized he was on the computer with his EA, but the night prior I peered over to the first floor and he had fallen asleep on the couch.  Same thing last night. For the last month or so I have felt the EA is truly over.

So I went back to bed - had a second nightmare about bees chasing me - sticking to me - not stinging yet but so close.  I could shake one off and another would land elsewhere on my body. I woke up and my H was next to me sleeping away. 

I have to confess that I get quite agitated when he sleeps soundly and I am an anxious wreck!

I wanted to wake him up for comfort but remembered what God had advised.  I asked again and got the same nudge of an answer "stay still".  I challenged "really"?  Hmmm..wonder if I'm imagining it.  I seem to wonder that a lot when I don't get the answer my impatient self wants to hear!

Well...truth be told - I did wake my H and said I was having nightmares and asked if I could snuggle close.  He kinda half grunted a non-commital answer and that set me off a bit (setting me off means I quietly seethe and turn over...I am impatient but not much of a covert temper).

So...I said a silent apology to God and asked my H - "Are you ok?  You seemed quite bothered today". He said "no, I'm fine".  I said "I don't think so".  He said "Just the same old stuff - I'm annoyed I haven't done anything about this situation".  (By this he means he hasn't been to an attorney to initiate a separation, though I did tell him last week that I went to my own attorney because I felt threatened and unsafe by him saying he's going to leave for over a year/ I told him I needed to know my options and how everything works, yet for now I am choosing to stay).

I took the challenge.  I said "Well, maybe you're starting to realize that's not the answer, and not the entire problem".  I am careful not to negate his feelings of our marriage issues, which has some validity - I'll say 20%, but moreso IMHO, it is within him and his abandonment issues from childhood. It is his spiritual search and purpose for life that he is avoiding giving himself the right to feel and explore.

My H  didn't answer me. He stayed quiet in the dark.  I decided to heed half-way to what I thought God had told me and close my mouth then and there.  I simply smoothed the lines out of his furrowed forehead in the dark two or three times and simply said good night. I'm sure he was relieved I didn't press the issue more as I would continued on have months ago, in high distress.

I rolled over, apologized again to God for my impatience and went back to sleep.

This morning he offered to take my S18 on a few college trips. I couldn't believe it! This has been a bone of my contention for quite a while now - that my H hasn't helped in this college search effort at all and my S is feeling unsupported.  I have been on 6 campus visits, helped with the application process, and my H has done nothing! 

I do believe my S's leaving is one of my H's triggers - a tough thing for him to face for multiple reasons.  It was at 17 that he was abandoned and IMHO those feelings are surfacing as he watches my son age and experience things that I support him fully on, whereas at that time in his life my H was left totally on his own.    Ironically (?) the same thing happened with my H's father at the same age, due to his own father and sister's accidental deaths.

But...its time to break that cycle....

Today was a pretty good evening.  My H called to say he'd be home late which is another bone of contention I used to have - when dinner would be on the table and he would then call and he'd say he'd be another hour.  I can't stand that!  Anyhow, my H got annoyed at the dinner table at my S13 who was being  a bit beligerent. My H was about to snap at him and I just interjected "Teenagers!  You teenage boys! Argh!"  My H smiled, like "I didn't realize that..I forgot about these testosterone issues..." and we sailed through it.  My S13 likes to be referred to as a teenager so he actually appreciated the comment.  Situation diffused.  *phew.  Sometimes I get lucky.  Hope this andropause GOES AWAY!

Thank you for letting me vent.