[LisaLives]

Okay, I don't want to be a downer, but I am very curious.  As I sit here alone, getting ready for only my second holiday season without exH, while he has my boys and I am alone for Thanksgiving (and not very thankful about it, thank you!), I wonder from the old-timers here, what happens at this time of year?  We know this time is THE time for WAS behavior.  From now until January is the time when they walk out and January is divorce month. 

So that means that in general, stuff is brewing, and again I am not trying to be a downer.  In fact, I am looking for some optmism.  Are all the reconciliations a part of the holiday psychology?  Is this also the return time, but no one ever talks about the positive?  On the other hand, could it be a big time for false R's?  Is there a "lifting of the fog" trend where MLCers apologize in droves, or a "diving into the tunnel" to avoid all the expectations?   

Last season, I was determined to make it good and I fully expected it to be awful, so I did okay.  In some ways this year, I feel like I am down and possibly ready to be hit hard.  exH is now married and I will get my kids for one day the entire holiday season, so I feel hard pressed to put up all the holiday crap--I don't even feel like hauling out the tree...  But, likely I will, I have to, so I will (yes, I am trying to convince myself to be positive!)

Just wondering, I feel very unsettled all of a sudden.  Sad and lonely, for sure, in a soulful way--I have friends, but it's not the same as being surrounded by family.  Last year, I think I still thought it could be just one Christmas apart and he'd be back, but now I am facing the reality that he is gone for good, with a new wife and family and my kids will forever be torn, and torn up emotionally this time of year. 

And really I don't want to read another article about having a happy divorced holiday season--the forced optimism and saccharine sentiments deserved to be shoved where the sun don't shine...  Thoughts on what REALLY to expect?  I like trying to be prepared whenever I can...  Love and light, Lisa   

 

[growing every day]

Hi Lisa!!

I just got back from my therapy appointment and we talked about this. I am going to fake it until I make it this year with the Holidays. Last year, I just wanted to sleep from November to January. I forced myself to go to Thanksgiving dinner. I was acutely aware of being there alone. I felt like everyone felt pity for me. And I swear they were whispering behind my back.. My son and I ate and then left shortly after. Came home and of course cried.

I did not put up a tree, not one decoration except I bought a Charlie Brown tree and sat it on the table. I feel bad about that now.I robbed my kids, even though they are older, of a holiday that has always been a big deal in our family. This year I am going to force myself to decorate, but a new tree, all new decorations, and celebrate.

This year, I feel pity for my H. I have no idea where he is spending Thanksgiving. I can only imagine it's with his family. the family that I after 22 years am no longer a part of. And the saddest part is that they have seemed to turn their backs on my children, their grandchildren, nephews. Very sad.

So this is my second holiday season, and I plan on making it one for my kids to remember. There has been enough sadness in this house. Today my therapist said, in the end, you are all they have. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is. And the bonus is this year I will have an 18 month old beautiful grandaughter to share the holiday with. Guess who misses out? H does.

I'm not sure I've answered any of your questions, and I know it will be hard to only see your kids one day. But I have a feeling that you will do just fine. When you start to feel alone, remember there are others out there dealing with the sadness too. I know it doesn't take the pain away, but we all understand.

[LisaLives]

THANKS GED! 

I need an optimism infusion!  And I knew I could get one here from someone.  I think my kids give me hope and reason and when they leave for their Dad's I can feel my own fog start to descend.  Plus there is still so much dysfunction in it all and the holidays do tend to make caricatures of everything.  I KNOW I am partially to blame, but he holds more of the cards and it still makes me angry, so I have not learned to control all of that yet--the triggers in me that cause me to react to my kids and feel sad.  It's just a lot in a crazy season.  But maybe we got it reversed.  I was fine last Xmas, but this year I feel like I am where you were last...  But I will fight back the fog, I just needed some new weapons or something--inspiration from people who have done it!  Thanks bunches, Lisa

[Gutted]

I wish I could put myself in a state of suspended animation till after the holidays.   Further my Anniversary is NYE.  And I know he'll be spending it with the OW.  Oh lord, just thinking about it - it's so sad and incomprehensible/weird to me.   I mean, I can't get over that we're not 'friends' anymore.  We were BFF.   I think that upsets me even more than the marriage ending.  Is that weird?

But I too, would like to know what MLC'ers tend to do on the Holidays re their LBS's.  Do they tend to reach out more or disappear more?  And if so, is it fairly nice/cordial or is it monster type?   Assuming they have an OW.   

[Anjae]

Hi LIsa,

You're right, holidays are a season for WAS.

I don't have kids (wish I had) and I'm living with my family, so, I'm surrounded by family (even when husband was still around we would come to our home town/families) for the holidays.

Also have friends but what I feel is that sense of sadness of no longer be part of a couple. I've spend the first Christmas after husband left alone (no, that year I did not come home, my family was still unware of the situation) and put on the decorations I used to. Must say it was much easier that first year alone than in latter years at the family house.

Why? Maybe because then husband and I were still talking...Maybe because almost all my siblings and cousins are paired up and I being the eldest,  and the first one to be married, feel weird without a mate...

[Still]

I was recently reading on another site, can't remember which one....about being aware that holidays can bring about false reconciliations. The idea of families, traditions, and all the nostalgia can often bring a WS home. However, once the fanfare fades and they are still deep in the tunnel, the likelihood of them remaining is much less. I think we have to just enjoy the good parts and prepare, but not fear, the bad parts.

I decided to take my kids shopping for all new decorations on our tree. The last couple Christmases though H was still here, were mediocre at best. This year, I want to make it very special for them. I want to create good memories for them. They are just victims-of-circumstance and deserve so much better.

[Dandy Lion]

SO....let's forget about the sadness, let's forget about what we have all been through, let's forget that we have spent goodness knows how long trying to get through this..............well you know what I mean!!!!

The coming season is all about giving..........not receiving and perhaps we have spent a whole year giving because this process is all about giving out without receiving but let's just forget this for a moment!!!!!

This season is about giving and perhaps you cannot give much, but giving is better than waiting, waiting to receive or hoping for something because there are so many others in this world that are in worse situations and that is why I think we can all give a little to someone in need.  Perhaps we really need the love of our MLCer at this time of the year but for most that is not going to happen and if it did it would be premature to most journeys.  So I suggest that we all try and give a little this year, whether it is time, money, forgiveness, understanding........let's just give because it could really make a difference to someone that is in need

HUGS
xxxx

[Anjae]

I'll get your point, Dandy. But would say most, if not all of us, already give a lot. To our children, families, friends, to our MCLers (even if they unware of it) and to ourselves.

Frankly, and I know this might shock some, I would like to have someone (does not have to be husband) to whom to give the sort of love you give a mate, and a mate gives you. The other sorts of love I've plenty of people to give it to.

It gets to a point when, enough is enough, life is too short and we were not made to live unpaired. Ok, most of you are still in the earlier part of this journey, many still see/have contact with the spouse, have kids, so it is a little different.

But I understand that LBS feel sad at this time of the year. Think it is natural. That does not invalidate/overrid the giving love, time, money, forgiveness to someone in need. Also, would say most LBS are, really, the ones in need of love, time, money, forgiveness. Does this makes sense?...

[Dandy Lion]

AnneJ, I agree it is natural to want to share and my comments were not overriding the fact that most of us give all year round either...........this is true because I give every day and wish I was given just something small from some of the people in my life.  What I wanted to express here is that we are in the same boat, all wanting to share the festivities with the one that we love and that is natural.  But I have been lucky in my life to experience a Christmas where I lost my mother, A christmas where I lost my grandparents, A christmas where I was alone, A christmas where I found others who had no home, had no family and those who gave up everything to help those less fortunate too.

 If we can get through these moments when others too suffer and hurt by giving a part of ourselves that we would never usually think of giving, we go even further in our journeys.  It is ok to cry and feel sad and wish that things were ideal (just like our previous festive times) but they are not and we all know that.  I for one am looking out to help others, this is the first year where I do not have to behave in a traditional way and therefore I think it is a perfect time to do something different. I will still put up my tree and cook and do the usual things but I hope to I can make a difference to someone else whether in a small or large way.

[LettingGo]

LisaLives....

I remember one year (during my first marriage) my Mom and her husband suggested we do something different... instead of the Norman Rockwell Christmas we usually had... (giant tree... million presents... all day feasting_ we agreed to go to a quaint Bed & Breakfast in a historical mountain area. So happened there was a historical re-enactment of George Washington crossing the Delaware on Christmas Morning, so there was an activity. We ate out at a historical Inn and it turned out to be a wonderful time!

Maybe that's not so great of an idea for KIDS, but how about coming up with something out of the ordinary from Christmas at home? Is there Snow Tubing nearby? Is there an Ice Rink that is open? Instead of the usual Christmas Dinner, could you maybe all decide on something DIFFERENT this year? Like dinner out in Chinatown, or Little Italy?

I don't know if these PARTICULAR ideas are feasible or entertaining to you.... but, if you only have them for one day, then why COMPETE with the traditional stuff your husband and OW will be trying to recreate? IF your kids are teens, they will be sick of the fake "family" at OW's, and will come back raving about how they went skiing or whatever... if they are little, could you arrange for "Santa" to arrive unexpectedly at your house? We did this one year when my kids were little.... got a friend who had a Santa Suit to show up with presents.... he knew their names, and they didn't know who it was!!

As for yourself..... there is always a group of "misfits" or people far away from family that get together somewhere.... if not... is there any way you could afford a pampering weekend at a resort? Or, you could have total permission to SHOP FOR YOURSELF at all the crazy sales, since you won't have any obligation to stay home....

How about rounding up another LBS in your area and going out to dinner? Thereby negating the "holiday" aspect of it?

Let's all don't forget to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" this year, to remind us that George went through a MLC....

As far a BD "season", I think it was all of the family functions that caused the MLCer to FREAK OUT and determine "I can't fake this any more... I've got to ditch these people or I will DIE... there's got to be more to life than this same old same old..." I really FEEL for all the BD on anniversaries and Valentine's Day... but it makes sense. Mine happened over the phone, but it was right after VD when I got a really weird card and some cheap drugstore chocolate, and then he spent our wedding anniversary with OW, but lied and said he was delayed on a job out of state, then came home the next day to take me out for our anniversary dinner..... while he was in the shower, I pulled the hotel receipt with OW's name on it right out of the outer pocket of his briefcase... talk about wanting to get caught!! Then, at dinner, he asked me to make a toast, and I happily said "Let me think....." then I raised my glass and said "To HONESTY!" and his face fell....

Almost forgot... since it IS the season of giving.... why not volunteer at a homeless shelter, food bank, animal shelter... pick out an underpriveledged child from an angel giving tree to buy a gift for.... leave an anonymous basket of food at someone's doorstep if appropriate.... volunteer at a church..... remind yourself to be grateful for your many blessings.....