[Anjae]

My H does know that I am strong, opinionated and loyal and compassionate.  I guess he knows somewhere deep down that he is lucky. I doubt very much that he thinks I'm a doormat.

kikki's words serve me. Husband was always been the nice one and the pleaser one. H would had forgive me a EA or a PA.

I used to throw truth darks at him during OW1. Stopped even bother to talk to him since OW2.

[With Gods Help!]

I think as someone said earlier it depends on the circumstances for me...........im known by each and everyone of my family and FOO that if the chips are down they can always turn to me for help advice etc........but they also know if i don't like something then i will voice my opinion..........regarding h ive always been there for him but the same with him if he stepped out of line i wouldn't hold back...after BD i found it particularly hard NOT to say what i felt because that just wasn't me and i think h took advantage of that because to him i was being someone he didn't recognize..........its only this past 6/7 months that i truly say what needs to be said without worrying how h will respond that hes stopped monster...........i do think they smell the fear in the beginning and they don't respect us for that.........my h sort of confirmed this for me today......we were having a convo over a family member that as come to me for help...........it is a very complicated sitch that i wish i wasn't involved in but i cannot turn my back on this person/teenager (16yrs old) as this will have lasting effects on her for the rest of her life  .......anyway we were talking about her mum and my h said MEN know when woman don't respect themselves or put their children first and once they know this then they lose all respect for that person........he said a man will treat that woman terribly because he knows she will put up with owt ..........so for me i will be me i didn't like the person i pretended to be it was exhausting having to watch what i said and how i said it...........i will say though that i have a lot more patience and i do think before i speak.......i don't react now out of anger i say what i need to say because i believe it needs to be said if that makes sense............xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx   

[Mamma Bear]

  Good question. My H told me after BD that "I was the most forgiving person he had ever met."   I'm not sure if he knew that  my BIL was  in  MLC and my sister forgave him.   
   I know that he thought he was last on my list. Silly me, I thought his 93 year old mother in my living room and the small Ds were first in line for attention. It was him. 
  I am also 'shirt off your back type' but having been through the 12 step program to stop drinking 11 years ago I now put ME first. I can't help others if I'm not up and running. Plus doing too much for others leads to enabling and that is no good either. More tight ropes for us.
 One thing I've learned through all of this MLC is people really will only treat you the way you let them.
  That's when my being born in Brooklyn comes in handy!
  I can really tell someone where to GET OFF!!!

[growing every day]

Too nice = GED for sure. Funny to say, but that is one of the things I am working on. Last year for Christmas my brother told me all he wanted to give me was a backbone. I think I finally have it. But nice is who I am. I can't change that. What I can change is how nice I am. I no longer am a doormat. I've been guilty of that too often for too long.

I'm finding that you can be strong and nice at the same time. I can have an employee who is so ticked off at "me" in the beginning of a conversation, to apologizing to me at the end. It's all how you word things. I've always been able to do that at work. Now I'm transferring that to real life.

[BonBon]

I thought it might be interesting to hear people's thoughts on this.
One of the things H said to me at one point was that I was the most loyal person he had ever met....to me, that can be part of being "nice".  Not always of course but I'm sure you get my drift.

Later, I told him that he counted on this loyalty right from the beginning and took advantage of it to which he responded, "yes, I did".

Is that a doormat?  I'm not sure.

[Synicca]

I get the same things from honey as well...

"your so loyal"
"your the most forgiving person I know"
"your such a wonderful person"
"Your so giving and understanding"

Alot of what most of you all have said is ME too..never was one to zip it. I stood my ground..but would be there for you in a heartbeat. Maybe Givers and fixers go hand in hand???

[BonBon]

I think they do Syn.
You know, if you give, you naturally want to fix and if you fix, that's a form of giving.

I frankly kind of resent it when I hear those things...I suppose when H was back in monster mode, I would have loved hearing it...but now, it's sort of false praise.  Sometimes I want to respond with "so what?"....."what good has that done me?".

But you know, then I realize that if I said that, it would be too much meshing my personality traits into expecting something from him.  So, if loyalty etc is my good quality, then it is just that.  It isn't my problem if people don't appreciate it.  But I can certainly now know that it shouldn't be handed out so readily nor so obviously.

Hmmmm.....learning all the time....lol.

[Synicca]

BonBon

I frankly kind of resent it when I hear those things...I suppose when H was back in monster mode, I would have loved hearing it...but now, it's sort of false praise.  Sometimes I want to respond with "so what?"....."what good has that done me?".

I have felt this way MANY times too!!!!

[BonBon]

So can I take an educated guess you've wanted to say "not anymore sweetheart!"

[Synicca]

LOL Oh many many times!!!