[agape]

redeemed44,

Good point. How can you stand as if spouse is never coming back. You are right, are you supposed to live your life as if there is no tomorrow. What is the point of standing then?

This also reminds me of the prodigal son. His father saw him far in the distance. Was it coincidence that the father just happen to be looking that way or was he expecting him anyway?

I know that the father had to go about his everyday business but he never gave up looking for his son's return. So it is with us, we have to attend to daily lives but nonetheless never, ever give up the expectations. At least that is how I understand standing.

[LifeGoesOn]

Nice reply agape.

I would only change your use of the word 'expectations'  to hope.

Expectations set you up for disappointment and discouragement among other bad things. Don't have any!

[LettingGo]

Living your life as if he is never coming back.....Allow me to explain!

If your husband died, you would feel his loss as you STILL love him, but you would have no choice but to go on and live your life. How would that look?

You would get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other. You would maintain your friendships, get your kids to school, etc. You might look for ways to fill the empty spaces that used to be filled up with couple time. You might join a book club, volunteer at the food pantry, or take up a hobby you haven't had time for lately. You might decide you could travel with a girlfriend to a place your husband never wanted to go, so you didn't. You might go back to school or change jobs or careers. You might begin counseling. You might join a grief support group. You might start exercising and taking care of yourself better. You might paint the kitchen, rearrange the closet, get a new wardrobe, learn to speak Italian...

You probably wouldn't date. You'd probably wear your rings. People would probably wish you would "get over it". People would probably be uncomfortable with your grief. People would probably feel sorry for you. But you'd be living YOUR life and learning a lot about what you could endure. And you wouldn't be waiting for him to come back so that you could do it.

[LifeGoesOn]

Inspiring LG!

I like the picture you paint. Except there's no casseroles....or life insurance....

[Courageous wife]

I like the picture you paint. Except there's no casseroles....or life insurance....

Dangit!   I love casseroles!

[Mermaid]

Agape,
Yes, I still live in this village in Southern Europe, though now I've moved to the centre (I was 6 km outside) and it's grown and been upgraded to a town, and has several gyms and supermarkets.

It's still very traditional in its mentality, although times have changed some things. A few years ago, no one locked their doors or their cars. Everyone double parked, and left their keys in the ignition incase someone needed to move it!! Now the wild world has changed all that; drug abuse, theft and violence have increased, so now everyone locks everything!

[redeemed44]

Thank you all for the input...I gues that is what I have ben tryin to do...I just hope as time goes on it will get easier...The hardest part I find is findin joy in things...I mean I am doin all the same things I was b4, but I can't seem 2 become content,it seems like it's all just harder 2bear alone...will that go away,& will I actually start 2feel like I'm accomplishin somethin???Especially when U have kids who need U & U just feel like U have failed them & because it's like a whirlwind every day from the things ur MLC throws @ U that U always seem like ur just tryin 2 pull urself 2gether, & feel U r no help 4them except keepin roof over their head & providin 4them...knowin they need U but U r not even there 4urself & have no clue how 2b strong 4them...help with this...4sure prayers needed here...I feel so weak compared 2U all

[Mermaid]

We end up confonting ourselves and we don't like what we see.
Yes there are parts of all of us that need to change or modify in order for us to grow.
My concern is that it can become yet another stick to beat ourselves up with, it's a tendency of mine to do that.
We start off recognising the need to change some parts, but the danger is it could spread until it becomes every part.

 We can get stuck in introspection. Another danger is that we aren't going through this exercise for ourselves, but still for our H's and that is not going to help in the long run.
 That was behind a lot of my earlier "insights" and "changes", still is to some extent. Told myself they were about me and self development, they weren't really. Always in the back of my mind even if I didn't like to admit it to myself, it was "H will really like this change, he's sure to see it and want to come back" Turns out the insights were genuine but my motives were not about sustaining self growth but getting him back.
 I think it's probably all part of the process before true detachment.
Self analysis can't work if you feel bad about yourself to start with, we can't be impartial and fair to ourselves and we should be.
We are imperfect..thank heavens for that, we are not LBS machines, constantly programmed on a spin cycle. We're always quick to be kind to each other when we post on here and we've messed up or wish we'd done things differently, but we aren't as kind to ourselves.

There are some things about us we can't change, and maybe we shouldn't try to. We can try to understand where they came from and learn how to integrate them better and temper them if need be, but respect them too.
Quote from a song here
" I'd like you to meet yourself, hope you both get along"
Perhaps sometimes we can call a truce with ourselves, enjoy who we are, faults and all, and let it have nothing, absolutely nothing to do with our H's, just for us and our deserved peace of mind.

[OldPilot]

http://www.counselingonlinesite.com/2010/07/is-divorce-the-right-choice-for-you/


Highlights from this article include:
"We all carry our own idealistic pictures of a perfect relationship with us — notions that can be sorely tested by reality. When you fall in love with the right person, it’s natural to anticipate never-ending joy. And perhaps there will be a lot of fun, excitement, and intimacy in your married life. But love means more than this. It also means accepting both the best and worst in your spouse. It means supporting and encouraging each other through the bad times as well as the good. Far from the traditional fairy-tale notion of “happily ever after,” successful marriages involve working through and surviving problems, setbacks, and conflicts to become stronger."

"According to Dr. Gray, it’s a matter of distinguishing between whether your conflict is temporary or symptomatic of permanent distance between you. “Disagreements — even those that are bitter — and falling out of love are two different things,” he points out. “Just as people grow close, they can grow apart. This process is distinct from two people going through a difficult period in their relationship. For the committed couple that is going through difficult times, there is a willingness on the part of one, and eventually both, to seek common ground. For those marriages where one or both has fallen out of love, the only thought is to head for the exit and not to search for points of reconciliation.”


Making Marriage Work

Positive signs

You might be able to save your marriage if:

    * at least one of you is willing to seek help in some way: marriage counseling, relationship workshops, books on how to re-ignite passion
    * you both recognize that disagreements are a normal part of any marriage
    * you’re open to learning how to communicate openly and honestly — without accusing or blaming each other, or “hitting below the belt”
    * you’re willing to accept responsibility and apologize for the damage you’ve done to your spouse and to your marriage
    * you’re willing and able to devote time and effort to improving your relationship
    * you both believe the marriage is worth trying to save.

Negative signs

Divorce might be the best choice for you if:

    * there’s a pattern of abuse, drug addiction, or repeated infidelity
    * neither of you is willing to change or adapt to present circumstances
    * neither of you is able to forgive past wrongs or make amends
    * you’re committed to seeing yourself as 100% innocent and your spouse as 100% guilty regarding the problems in your relationship
    * one of you has declared a new sexual orientation
    * you believe the marriage isn’t worth trying to save.

[Mermaid]

Great link, OP. Thanks for that!

I've been reading "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying". I wasn't expecting to find anything relevant to us LBS, but it has been leaping out at me.

"So often it is only when people suddenly feel they are losing their partner that they realize how much they love them. Then they cling on even tighter. But the more they grasp, the more the other person escapes them, and the more fragile the relationship becomes.

So often we want happiness, but the very way we pursue it is so clumsy and unskillful that it brings only more sorrow. Usually we assume we must grasp in order to have that something that will ensure our happiness. We ask ourselves: “How can we possibly enjoy anything if we cannot own it?” How often attachment is mistaken for love!

Even when the relationship is a good one, love can be spoiled by attachment with its insecurity, possessiveness, and pride; and then when love is gone, all you have left to show for it are the “souvenirs” of love, the scars of attachment."