[Synicca]

I thought there was another thread on here somewhere on BPD but I couldnt find it...

This is pretty scary stuff...I am 100% convinced that honey's OW is a Borderline..so I have been doing some research
to see what I may be up against....not good.

http://gettinbetter.com/fiftyways.html

It's pretty hardf to imagine that honey may very well get stuck with this woman and I am sure it makes it 10 x's worse that he is in MLC..do I even have a chance???

[LettingGo]

you know, Syn.... I think about this a lot..... about WHY my husband can't leave OW.... he doesn't want to HEAR about her possibly having a personality disorder.... but he recognizes sometimes that she plays and manipulates him...

For instance.... yesterday, he left us to go be with her, allegedly because she was PRESSURING him.... like it's all up to her how our lives will go!!  For the first time I did not disapprove or try and stop him or tell him how wrong it was..... I just suggested he not get all likkered up before he drove the three hours to get there, LOL!!

Anyway.... I think he was trying to "explain" (justify) why he had to go to her..... first it was her PRESSURE.... then it was "I don't know why I have to go...." then it was "I need CLOSURE!!!"

So, I'm at work today, but I left my phone on silent so I would know the exact time if he texted me or left a voice mail...... I got a very unsettled feeling near the end of my work day.... couldn't put my finger on it... then a customer with my sort of unusual name came to me.... which is ALWAYS a sign that things are leaning in my favor with him... ANYWAY..... after work, I check my  phone and there is a message from him sent at 11:20 am...... "I don't know why I am here?" and then at 3:25, minutes before I got out of work... he sent me an email saying "My middle name should be loser or mistake  ". Of course I did not respond..... I guess that has always been my boundary..... i will NOT have a dialogue with you while you are with OW, LOL!!

He could NOT stop himself from going to her yesterday..... left the kids in the DUST for the whole weekend as I have to work.... making his work week all that much harder.... telling me with disgust "Every time I go up there, she thinks we're back together!!"  You can't reason with this craziness...

BUT, as far as them being able to break free.... I do think the whole MLC affair dynamic COUPLED with OW being a borderline type... COUPLED with the MLCer expressing Borderline traits makes it harder. However, because they are MLC, and replaying parts of their lives that didn't work..... learning eventually to face themselves and rebuild their character...... I believe they actually have a BETTER chance at ending it eventually and NOT being attracted to that any more.... like understanding ONCE AND FOR ALL that the y will get BURNED if they are in contact and to run and never look back.... I believe it is their NEW personality that "gets" this in a mature way... remember..... as the author writes.... the attraction for a borderline EXISTS in undealt with childhood abandonment issues.... if MLC is all about facing these issues and putting them to rest, then the borderline is the perfect mate.... though I hate her guts, LOL!!

My two cents worth...

[Synicca]

It does make me wonder WHY he chose her...or SHE chose him...but I know there is lessons in everything...but the scary part is what if they cant break it off?? what IF they do get stuck, like it says in this article?? If they can never look INSIDE of themselves to see their issue...then they CAN get stuck in a R with a Borderline.

It would seem easy to do when your riddled with guilt...or that you feel like you deserve this kind of treatment...at what point do they say to themselves..I cant do this anymore and run for the hills...


I am just at a complete loss over this one...Honey's OW is a Queen manipulator and uses it WELL to get what she wants from him..I tell you what though, this must be a sign for me...I was TOLD to unpack and STAY put..maybe this is the true REASON why?? I can prevent her coming into OUR lives physically atleast.

[sambriony]

My H ow is the same a class manipulator.She gets him to do things I never believed he was ever capable.These people seekout the weakness in our partners and continues to knaw away so it remains a weakness.I visited a medium and she told me that the OW would bring my H to his knees and there relationship is soul destroying.He will still marry her but it will collapse like a house of cards. I have been waiting 2 years but she feeds a sickness in him that keeps that hold strong and not even ther love of his children can break the spell..its scary..really scary....we just have to wait and hope that at some point the relationship is exposed for what it is a complete and utther farce...x

[Mamma Bear]

 Bowser's Dad abandoned her and her H. So now what? Sabotage Sam to the rescue.
 He'll either get sick of not having my extra cash and sweetness to play with or he'll sleep face down on her couch until she breaks something over his head.
  As a Newbie I could never wrap my brain around someone even holding hands with someone else's husband. Who or what would knowingly do that?
  A scarey question in itself.   Low worth and character. If Bowsie cant hold up her end of a discussion about d!ck Cheney or the Main Stream Media she's sunk anyway. So sad for her. I do forgive her bc if I had a life like hers and my Nutzo H approached I'd think I'd won powerball!!!

[LettingGo]

Let me just clarify my position... I don't think the borderline is the perfect mate for an MLCer..... I DO think that because the MLCer is trying to rebuild himself.... do over and put to rest childhood issues... that he eventually has a BETTER chance at leaving the borderline..... simply BECAUSE he has eventually addressed those issues that make the borderline so attractive to him.... once those issues are laid to rest, she's no longer attractive.... at least I hope, because my husband has brought home every loser in town before and held them up to me as being SOOOO SMART or whatever, as I looked on at trailer trash in horror.... he just COULD NOT SEE the difference in people.... so I'm hoping he will come out of this with an actual GOOD sense of judging character... something he has never had before.

[NewBeginnings]

Syn, LG  ~  I love this subject that you two are talking about.  How are we supposed to know what OW is like if we have never met her, don't live near her and
H doesn't ever bring her up.  Except once when he said she is a really nice person and a great mom.    I said to him, she is not a nice person because she is having an affair with you, a married man and while you were still with me and she lost custody of her son so H, please tell me how she is a good mom.

I read those articles BPD and OMG I learned so much.  Like my H is a conflict avoider and it says they get that because of how they were treated as a child and
they have abandonment issues.  Well H's father abandoned him and his mom numerous times to go live his girlfriends.   My H never told me he was unhappy or anything.  He hates being yelled at.  I never yelled, I would get a tone to my voice but to him that is yelling.  His mother told me he has issues with yelling because of her and H's dad fighting when he was a kid.  If H gets yelled at,  it's like it destroys him for the day.  He will be totally down, like a child sulking. 

LG- My H's OW is total trailer trash too and he just does not see it.  How can that be?  I mean even their houses are shacks.  H's OW owns a house.  It is
640 sq. ft. and it is a shack, super dumpy.  Her parents house is the same way.  Dumpy and absolutely filthy inside.   OW's parents are obese also.  OW works for my H so I'm assuming she started flirting with him at work and he loved the attention.  I and everyone that knows us are in shock at who he is with.  It is actually embarrassing to me.   The thing is, is that I really don't have a clue as to what her personality is because I don't know her.  I know when my H is down here for the day seeing our son she doesn't call him or text him so she doesn't seem possesive or controlling.  Wondering if maybe she isn't showing her true self yet being my H has said I was controlling  so she is still on her best behavior.  Everyone tells including my PI and my Therapist that she is never going to leave my H
because he truly has given her a better life, a beautiful home to live in, trips ect..  They said when he ditches her, she will sue the company he works for
with sexual harrassment against my H.  I can see her doing that.  Maybe that will be when he finally hits rock bottom.  Or what if she threatens him with that, he will never leave her because of that.  Ugh, so depressing to think about that.   

What happens when H's and OW's are both BPD?

NB

[HeartsBlessing]

All I can tell you Synicca is this: your husband will need to find the strength to break this off, and ride out the after effects of having dumped his affair partner.  He has to be emotionally ready to do this or it won't work.

Even after he breaks it off, if SHE is not ready, he will find her pestering him to death, UNLESS he takes the total steps necessary to end it for good...permanent NO CONTACT is one of the most important aspects once an affair is broken down, and NO staying "friends" with the affair friends....refer back to NO CONTACT.

As I recall, my husband's OW suffered from MPD(Multiple Personality Disorder).  As long as she pestered him, she played on his sense of guilt; but when he took the steps to put her in permanent NO CONTACT; she was unable to contact him....oh, wait a minute, LOL, I refused to change our phone number, but he wasn't answering the home phone, either...and I watched him sweat it out until those calls stopped; and these continued for at least two more weeks.

He went to the extreme of changing jobs, cell phone numbers in order to get rid of her completely...he was DONE, and I knew he was done; but I had a mean streak down my back at that time when I refused to change our home number; I figured that if he was truly done he would not answer the phone, and he didn't.

It does make me wonder WHY he chose her...or SHE chose him...but I know there is lessons in everything...but the scary part is what if they cant break it off?? what IF they do get stuck, like it says in this article?? If they can never look INSIDE of themselves to see their issue...then they CAN get stuck in a R with a Borderline.

Synnica,

The typical MLC'er can get deeply stuck in a relationship with ANY kind of person suffering from a psychological disorder; and it really doesn't matter WHAT KIND of disorder the affair partner might suffer from.

For some, the more sick and twisted the affair partner is, the better they seem to like it.  For one thing they seem to think they deserve this kind of treatment; for others, some are "reliving" or "replaying" a time in their lives with maybe a figure of authority or even their mothers or fathers.

It's not always about sex; it's usually about an emotional connection that may or may not lead to sex.   And the affair partner is not always "better" or "better looking" ...looks play NO part in what the MLC'er may be looking for in their sick affair/game.

And for some, they really don't mean for it to go as far as it does, but the affair partner, when they perceive they might "lose" them, will use sex as a last ditch attempt to try and "keep" them; so the "using" game will continue to their benefit...at least until they get tired of them, and dump them completely.

The fact is, because the MLC'er is different they choose someone who is more LIKE them; they take the "opposites attract, and likes repel" rule and turn it the opposite way.    They are both ALIKE rather than opposite; being drawn in this way, and they entangle themselves together...at least UNTIL there's a change in one or both that brings about the beginning of the breakdown.

Remember your MLC spouse has choices; and you can only hope they exercise the RIGHT choices, and get rid of the affair given some time.

The last point I will make is that they are BOTH in a crazy state of mind; and one mirrors the other in the way of behavior; I think this is to prevent accountability from taking place; and we KNOW the OP is not one for making their affair partner accountable for anything...this is truly teenage behavior within both people.

[Synicca]

Thank you HB- I do see honey and OW exactly alike..I have said before they are mirror images of eachother.
I see him getting more and more tired of the consant fight to keep it going..she is demanding and then so is he.

But he is slowly trying to break away from it now...I worry though after yesterday he might get sucked back in deeper.
She tried to cut out her tatto of his name wrapped around her wrist...not sure if it was an attempt to kill herself...but it
was surly a way to suck him back in..

I am not sure what this R is playing out for him...I have thought that it was him playing out his teenage years, maybe with his dad...but then I dont know..guess I wont either.

honey says all the time " I know I dont deserve this" and when he says this...I think to myself...why are you even saying this?? must mean something.

Thanks again!!
((hugs))

[Synicca]

Just thought I would ad this little tid bit from this article....This sounds like what honey and I were talking about the other day...since he is a recovering addict...kinda fits...ugh


WHO ARE YOU--AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND?

If you've dabbled in drugs, loving a Borderline is like chasing after your first hit of Cocaine, and trying to recapture that initial 'rush' the rest of the night. In the early stages of this relationship (the Honeymoon), you felt hopelessly captivated, and intrigued with her intensity. A novel sense of contentment, wholeness or 'finally arriving,' became part of your everyday experience. The sensations she engendered in you, had only existed in vague fantasies--no matter how many close encounters there had been with other females. This might be the first time you'd gotten really intimate with someone, and felt like you were worthy of such a prize--especially if you struggled with self-esteem issues, earlier in life. Did you learn to love pain as a boy, in order to adapt to and survive it? Abuse by a Borderline is literally a heart attack.

Self-worth difficulties could have drawn you to this type of woman, and kept you ensnared beyond all instinct and reason. They could have allowed you to tolerate/accept her abusive or distancing behaviors, way beyond what you've known was reasonable or right for you. She's irresistibly seductive, and may be the most exquisitely beautiful creature you have ever been with--so any notion of walking away when the going got tough, seemed inconceivable. If you're relatively inexperienced in the realm of ongoing, intimate relations, you might naturally assume "all women are like that," but they're not!!!

In direct contrast to the instability you've observed in this woman, there are times you've glimpsed what appears to be her wisdom, her spirituality and her incredible knack for stating things that make her sound like an absolute authority on health/well-being. Borderlines are often plagiarists or copycats. They may have read a plethora of self-help books along their way, that have helped them assemble their broken shards of ceramic into a mosaic of sorts, that resembles a whole/definable image. They have the remarkable capacity to mimic or parrot information they've read or heard--which helps you regard them as healthy and sane. This characteristic is particularly common among Borderlines in the "helping" professions--which amps up the volume on your ambivalence and confusion about these women. The primary issue with their Guru Complex, is they can talk the talk--but there's no way they can walk it! That would require integrity, which is a by-product of moral development.

Borderlines have an uncanny ability to paint themselves into corners legally, financially, professionally or interpersonally--and then attempt to make You responsible for the consequences of those choices! It's impossible to make them see that their impulsivity brought about this peril, and it's payback for their short-sighted behavior. Allow them to enter adulthood. Resist the urge to bail them out.