[StandandDeliver]

I know that the aim here is to avoid D. But for some it is inevitable. Are there people on the forum for whom D has actually made life dealing with the MLC easier? Did you feel more free? Did your MLCer change his behaviour towards you. Have you been able to detach more? I am looking to hear about ANY benefits no matter how small, I am not fussy!!

[LisaLives]

It has helped me immensely, but I was never a stander.  I am not sure what I would feel if I was...  I would never be able to detach if I were still married.  And the funny thing is--dating was important to me a year ago, but since the divorce is final, I have my name back, and I can do whatever I want, it feels less so, for some reason.  It could also be that I got the "NEED" out of my sytem.  I proved to myself that there is nothing wrong with me sexually, that some decent men find me attractive and actually seem to enjoy me.  And that's enough for now, I guess. 

Plus, he doesn't have me over a barrel, we have a settlement, and a custody agreement, so I can do and say whatever I want to him and he can't retaliate without spending a lot of money.  And again, I think having "permission" or freedom to do that makes it feel so much less important.  I feel at peace with my sitch now in a way that I really could not have without being divorced.  There is something to be said for everything being done and over. 

I will never say I feel GOOD about it all, but there will come a day when I WILL say that my divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I believe that for anyone that ends up where I am!  Love and light, Lisa   

[Anjae]

S&D, Divorce has not made my life easier because it has not happened yet, but when it will my life will be much easier. Like Lisa said, there be no more having me over a barrel and there will be a settlement. No more me needing to worry about the next court case. Also, I agree with Lisa, there is something to be said about everything being done and over.

The first part of Lisa post, about dating, I've already been through. I'm not divorced but I'm only a wife in paper. Husband is a vanisher, I live with my family back at our home town, had not seen him in over 3.5 years. Dating was quite important to me after BD and being on my own. Now it is important but it most be more oriented towards a serious, lasting relashionship.

I'm more looking forward to divorce and being done and over than to having husband back. Even if I miss him, I need closure. Need to end this.

[In this for ME]

I haven't found a benefit. I've lived with him for 5 months now; the divorce has been final for 15 months. I can't even bear to say we are divorced. He still calls me his wife. Divorce didn't solve anything for us; it only made things more complicated. This is very painful and would have been whether we tried to reconcile  or  just went on with our lives without each other.

[honour]

My wife is living with another man in another country. She wanted a divorce and pressed hard for me to divorce her. We are now divorced. I don't know if there are any benefits. Perhaps there are, perhaps the finality of it enables me to draw a line under one chapter of my life (albeit a long chapter) and get on with the next.

But frankly in my situation the divorce was simply the courts rubber stamping what is reality. If your H/W is living with another person your marriage as you knew it is over. Live your life like they are not coming back. That doesn't necessarily mean having other relationships. It can mean finding your own identity and independence. We don't need to define our self-worth by being accepted and approved of by others. It was wonderful loving my W and being loved by my W, and I thought my life would end without her love, but to my surprise my life hasn't ended.

May be we need to cut the cord to be able to grow.

honour

[Anjae]

But frankly in my situation the divorce was simply the courts rubber stamping what is reality.

Exactly what it will be in mine.

If your H/W is living with another person your marriage as you knew it is over. Live your life like they are not coming back.

If we are to live our live like they are never coming back divorce is not a problem. They are not coming back, we do not stay married to someone that is not coming back. So, there is a contradiction between live your live like they are never coming back and don't divorce. At least, to me, there is...

May be we need to cut the cord to be able to grow.

I think in somes cases we do. I, at least, think I need to cut that last cord.

[LeaveThePastBehind]

But frankly in my situation the divorce was simply the courts rubber stamping what is reality. If your H/W is living with another person your marriage as you knew it is over. Live your life like they are not coming back. That doesn't necessarily mean having other relationships. It can mean finding your own identity and independence. We don't need to define our self-worth by being accepted and approved of by others. It was wonderful loving my W and being loved by my W, and I thought my life would end without her love, but to my surprise my life hasn't ended.

May be we need to cut the cord to be able to grow.

honour

Nice wording & so very true!  

Hi Annej.

[Anjae]

Hi Star 

[honour]

So, there is a contradiction between live your live like they are never coming back and don't divorce.

Where did I say don't divorce?

honour

[Anjae]

You did not, honour. I was refering to the fact that we are often told to live our lives like they are never coming back but also to do not divorce or do not make it easy for the mcler to divorce us.

And that, for me, is a contradiction. Either we life our lives like they are never coming back, and, in that case, we can (must? should?...) divorce or we hold on to the marriage and, in that case, live with the hope they come back. I don't know if I'm explaining myself right...

What I've always thought was that, divorced, you can remarry the same person, marry someone else, or stay on your own. Married it will be complicated in case one wants to remarry or have a serious relashionship with someone else. It is even dificult, not to say absurd, to be married on paper to a 3.5 years plus vanisher like I am...

Why am I not divorced?...Well, at first, right after BD, I thought it was crazy to run into such thing with so many emotions running loose. Nothing good could come of it. Then I wanted a clean, simple, amicable divorce. My husband had another idea and went to court. Twice. His first process was closed (he has no grounds for divorce), his second is, well, still. It does not move.

I have a temporary alimony process and, when his second process is done, if closed like first, and we remain married, I will follow my temporary alimony with divorce request.

Would say my very vanishing husband does not want a divorce. He just wants to be living the high life with OW2 and try to get some more drama. And, of course, when he is done, be back like nothing had happened.