[Anjae]

One of his more MLCery moments for sure. I did not start this topic because I WANT a divorce , I started it because for some of us it is very very difficult to avoid - financial arrangements depend on it (depending on where you live - where I live there is no formal separation - you are married or divorced and if your MLCer is messing around with money, getting himself into debt - whatever - the divorce is the only way of protecting any assets you are entitled to. I have kids, I can't AFFORD to have NOTHING at this stage in my life. I gave up several years of work to be a SAHM and to move for H's career. I have no pension, although I am back to work the ONLY savings I have are ones that I shared with H (yes there is a lesson in there for me about all my eggs in one basket, believe me I Know, but the lesson does not alleviate my immediate financial pressure). So I will divorce.

Very true, S&D, for some of us it is very difficult do avoid because financial arrangments depend on it. I, right now, have nothing (of material assets). I mainly worked from home on the creative projects we created. Choose to do that instead of having a career just of my own. Without me doing the work I did none of the projects would had worked. On the other hand, without husband's creativeness and input none of them would had started. We where a perfect work/creative team. So, like yours, my only assets are the ones I share with husband. And husband is claiming he is the sole owner and the only one who has the right to them. Well, he is not. I worked very hard for 20 years (we started working together since we begun to date) in our joint creations.

Sorry but I will not let him have it all (well, he already took it all but a divorce will make in return the part that does no belong to him).

I also respect those that stand forever but cannot do so myself.

Don't think anyone in this site advocates divorce. Simply, sometimes, we have to do it.

And, remember, divorce is not the end. Unless we choose it to be, or our MLCer never returns, it does not have to be the end.

[Foxberry]

I think everyone on this Forum is here for different reasons and all of them are valid...none of chose to be in the situations we find ourselves in and we need support, friendship, kindness and validation from each other...no judgement necessary. 

I too, after a year of being totally disrespected by my H living with his OW, regardless of MLC I will have to divorce him - because of financial reasons...H is so cowardly and suffering from ostritch syndrome that he would never Divorce me...I meant every word of my vows made in church in 1982 - my H is the only one who forgot them when he betrayed me with his low-life OW... 

I dread the day I enter the solicitor's office to say "I want to divorce my husband" because in essence it isn't true, but the law in this country now does not support me in any way financially without that "piece of paper" that will make him financially support me.  I will then need my friends on this Forum more than ever...I will need support, love and help - not being told that this Forum is NOT for me any more...?  because who says it isn't?  I will be the same person when I am going through the divorce process that I am now? nothing changes.....my reasons are my own.... I DO NOT advocate divorce, I am a Catholic and Divorce is not and never has been on my radar....but it was not me that chose this path...

There is only one person who can decide whether the Forum is for me or not... and that person is ME, that goes for all the other LBSs on the site who are here for the same reasons as me...friendship, strength and a place to feel less alone...we have already been 'judged' and 'blamed' on various levels by our Hs/Ws we need the Forum to help us heal....

My opinion for what its worth.

Love and hugs as always
Fox   xxx

[growing every day]

I for one hope everyone stays, despite our outcomes. There are so many more lessons we can teach each other.

[honour]

I think everyone on this Forum is here for different reasons and all of them are valid...none of chose to be in the situations we find ourselves in and we need support, friendship, kindness and validation from each other...no judgement necessary. 

I too, after a year of being totally disrespected by my H living with his OW, regardless of MLC I will have to divorce him - because of financial reasons...H is so cowardly and suffering from ostritch syndrome that he would never Divorce me...I meant every word of my vows made in church in 1982 - my H is the only one who forgot them when he betrayed me with his low-life OW... 

I dread the day I enter the solicitor's office to say "I want to divorce my husband" because in essence it isn't true, but the law in this country now does not support me in any way financially without that "piece of paper" that will make him financially support me.  I will then need my friends on this Forum more than ever...I will need support, love and help - not being told that this Forum is NOT for me any more...?  because who says it isn't?  I will be the same person when I am going through the divorce process that I am now? nothing changes.....my reasons are my own.... I DO NOT advocate divorce, I am a Catholic and Divorce is not and never has been on my radar....but it was not me that chose this path...

There is only one person who can decide whether the Forum is for me or not... and that person is ME, that goes for all the other LBSs on the site who are here for the same reasons as me...friendship, strength and a place to feel less alone...we have already been 'judged' and 'blamed' on various levels by our Hs/Ws we need the Forum to help us heal....

My opinion for what its worth.

Love and hugs as always
Fox   xxx

I agree. Let this place be a safe place.

honour

[In this for ME]

Me too and it is such a wonderful place to learn so much about life in general and gain insight.

[LisaLives]

I just need to say regardless of where I am or what I have done, I do not like divorce, would never have chosen divorce and I KNOW that divorce will be the worst thing my kids will have to overcome. 

However, I also am not in favor of obstructionist tactics to oppose a divorce for any reason--they are expensive and emotionally draining to say the least, and in a worst case, they can be financially devastating and make things worse for the kids.  If a partner wants divorce, or a divorce is the best and fastest way to any kind of stability for the LBS, then it is the way to go.  The abandoning spouse already trashed the marriage, and we all say the old marriage is dead anyway, so I do believe at some point that a divorce is a piece of paper and is not an obstacle to standing.  You do not stand for legal reasons, standing is something else entirely. 

And life truly is what you make of it.  My divorce will be the best thing that ever happened to me because I will make it so.  I am already in a good place, and where I ultimately land will be a different place than I would be if it had not happened, but on my death bed I will know that every experience and every choice led me to where I am at that moment and I will "rejoice and be glad in it."  And I hope I am gifted the time, the wisdom and the strength to make my divorce the best thing that ever happened to my kids also.  It is not at this moment, but it can be, even tomorrow, if I can get them to a place to appreciate everything they have right now.

That's what we all have to do--appreciate what we have, even if it's not what we wanted.  And that is the only reason I commented.  I will never champion divorce, but since it's what I got, and what others here are facing, I am not going to fight the fact that I like having my real name back, I really do, and a part of me likes that I have another tough experience notch on my belt, but it has not caused one additional wrinkle on my face--he will not ruin me, I can do "life" and even love it, even without him, if that's how he has to have it...  No use dwelling on the negative...         

[ece711]

I do believe at some point that a divorce is a piece of paper and is not an obstacle to standing.  You do not stand for legal reasons, standing is something else entirely. 

I was not the one who filed for divorce...  my exW did.  So based on the qoute above, then yes, continue to Stand even if you are legally divorced, it is a choice. 

I don't know if there is something called an "in-betweener" because if there is... I think I could be categorized as that.  I will not look for love/a partner or a soulmate "on purpose" and will avoid being in that predicament, but "if by chance" it still finds me 10, 15 years or more down the road then I could look at it as "Maybe God knows best".  I will use the time to my advantage, hopefully to build my self financially sound so I could support my kids in various ways.  If I surpass that goal that I set and become the next "Steve Jobs" , "Donald Trump", or "Bill Gates" then it's a win win for me and my children.  Now if my exW all of a sudden starts taking interest in me when I reach that goal, then maybe I should also think twice if she actually is out of the Tunnel or she would just want a piece of that accomplishment. LOL


 

[summer123]

I have not posted in a long time, but felt strongly that I needed to write today.  My H of 20 years left for another woman.  I was a stander for almost a year.  One day I realized that standing was going to destroy me.  I had gotten a life, sold the family home and bought a new home, was raising my children without any support from their father.  I found myself angry on a regular basis.  I was as detached as I could get without being divorced, but yet I couldn't find my internal happiness.

Once I realized that I could no longer stand, my mind started to clear, I felt better about myself and knew that this was the right decision.  The reason that I am writing today is because that year of standing has caused me a significant financial loss.  I did not take care of myself financial because I didn't want to make him angry - I thought we would never reconcile if I fought him over money issues.

Well, here I am 1 1/2 years later, still fighting (and paying huge attorney bills).  I do not receive child support, I will receive a much smaller of the 401k that we built during our marriage, my STBX is fighting me for the equity in my new home, I have been paying therapist bills for one of my daughters on a weekly basis for almost 12 months...the list goes on. 

If I could go back and do it again I would agree to the divorce sooner and protect my future.  Now that I have "let go" I am in such a great place in my life and am much happier.  My daughters are happy that I have let go and together we are starting to heal.

I am not saying divorce is the answer for everyone, but even if you do stand, take the advice of all the very wise people on this board:  protect yourself financially!

Best of luck to all!
Summer

[Foxberry]

I agree totally....

Hugs Foxy xxx

[NewBeginnings]

Summer123 ~  I am sorry you went through a rough time.  I am finding that I am feeling the same as you.  My H is MONSTER again because of money.  I filed 2 months after he left because I found out he was living with OW months before he left me.  I knew I had to protect myself and my son.  H won't even give me money to buy my son Christmas gifts yet he the day before Thanksgiving, out of guilt bought our son a very expensive gift.  He lied to our son about what he did on Thanksgiving.  My H also told me more lies yesterday, he has gotten me in trouble with the IRS for lying to them.  I don't think I can take much more.  Every day I ask myself, do I want this man back.  He has been so cruel to me and our son.  I really don't know how he lives with himself. 

I am seeing a Therapist and so is our son.  H told me yesterday we don't need Therapy.  He said son and I need to just deal with it.  Everyone gets divorced.      He does nothing but lie to me, our son and I'm sure to OW.   I do believed we all need to protect ourselves from these MLCers.  My H has done some shocking things.  He is not the man I have been married to.  I don't know who he is.
All's he thinks about is himself.  I can deal with his crap but when it comes to our son, well then I have to speak up.   H told our son he was coming down to spend Christmas with his son.  Now he says he never said that.  Our son is heartbroken.  OW is more important.
Typical MLC behavior I guess.

I feel the same as you most days, that standing is going to destroy me.  I am confused.  I just don't know anymore what I should be doing.   I have been nice to my H.  He is nice to me but usually for a reason.  Like trying to get me to lie to the IRS and I will not do that.  I am an honest person unlike H.  I am just sick of all of this.