[Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?]

Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?

Stress and/ or burnout

12 (25%)

Medication

1 (2.1%)

Dealing with childhood issues

10 (20.8%)

Hormonal changes

3 (6.3%)

Depression

8 (16.7%)

Neurological changes, unrelated to anything outside

1 (2.1%)

Underlying personality disorder,

7 (14.6%)

Social fears (aging, mortality, children leaving, etc.)

2 (4.2%)

Genetics

0 (0%)

External factors (work, OW, etc.)

1 (2.1%)

None of these (please add a note) Death of his mother

3 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 48

Voting closed: August 20, 2016, 03:03:33 PM

[Thundarr]

Hey Mermaid,

Didn't know if you still checked this thread or not but it seems too interesting to get buried.

[BraveNewWorld]

Hi Thundarr,
                   I could see some similarities in our cases. Your wife contacted her high school boyfriend too. And your wife and mine were both, sadly, abused as children.

Before I came to this site I was on another where there were several men whose wives had suddenly left. In nearly all of those cases, there was a history of ( sexual ) abuse in their wive's childhoods, late teens, or early twenties.

There were also some women that were suffering from MLC that had experienced abuse and who tried hard to explain that the abuse they experienced had definitely contributed to their behaviours in midlife. 

When I read your case, it affirmed to me that it can't be coincidental that we see such similar patterns of breakdown of our marriages at this stage. 

I've read articles and books about the effects of sexual abuse on children, in the hope of better understanding. It isn't possible for us to really feel how damaged they must feel, to understand what was taken from them. And while the books do explain it, I understand that those wounds go deeper than we can imagine - I think especially if a parent or sibling is involved. It is a weight they carry for a long time.

I've read that sexual abuse in childhood can be like a 'timebomb' and that intimacy with a spouse is a common place for it to blow. I've read that it is not uncommon for wives to see their husband as a 'surrogate abuser'. The anger needs to come out somewhere.

It very definitely plays a part in this story of MLC.

bnw

[Mermaid]

Sorry, Thundarr, I've been away from the forum. There was a time that I spent hours on here, but now I need to spend hours living my life, without forgetting all the dear friends here too. I do check up from time to time, but I always reply to my PMs.

Hobo, I read your message a couple of days ago, and I've been letting it percolate in my brain. It's hard to tell, but she seems far too angry with you, blaming you for everything, for this just to be a case of WAS. I would guess that she has got some issues from her past to deal with, and has built up a view of you as the cause of all her bad feelings (see FTT's thread, on the latest book she's read). This is why she needs space; if she can continue to blame you, then she doesn't look inward. I don't know how you will manage this without losing your rights to your house and living with your kids.

In my point of view, as I've said here before, MLC is a complex thing, with many causes, symptoms and outcomes. Some of the symtoms that we see here are fairly common; projection of the problem on another person, a sense of disassociation with their own feelings, alienation from their life and from those closest to them, the need to escape, have space.

None of us know what the outcome will be. We all need to deal with our pain, loneliness, and changing life before we start to look inward at ourselves, to know ourselves and see ourselves as whole (not needing another for completeness). We all need to let go, because we don't control the other person, only ourselves. We need to let the old marriage die. Then, if we get the  chance to re-start, we decide if that is what we want.

So in a way, it doesn't matter if it's MLC or not, the action is the same. If not, why not?  Standing is not about hanging on, hoping against hope. It's about facing our situation, accepting what we can't change and changing what we can, and forgiving, which leads to healing.

Yes, kikki, Jill Bolte Taylor, Thanks for the link!

[hobo1]

Thanks Mermaid, yes, she is still very angry with me, and hates me.

It was only a few months ago where she said she just had no feelings for me, but did not hate me....

Now she hates me and wants a divorce, and has actually filed.

She doesnt look at me in the eyes, and she doesnt want me to look at her face.  When I look at her face for more than a second, she runs and literally tries to hide from me.  Runs into another room or up the stairs to her (our master bedroom) and locks the door.

I dont know what to do, I do want to save this marriage if I can.

[limitless]

Hobo,

Please read the following article:

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_understanding-infidelity_love-and-hate.html

Believe none of what she says.

In Replay and Monster mode.....believe nothing.  Don't engage with her...take the bait, etc.

She is really angry at herself, but ready to face her Shadow - so she projects her anger toward you.

You cannot "save" the marriage.  You can only focus on and save yourself.  Your wife needs to deal with her issues by herself.  You cannot help her.  By detaching and helping yourself......that is the only assistance you can do.

Hugs,

Limitless

[hobo1]

thanks Limitless....

I've been at this for 9 months, and still find it so hard to detach.  She's pushing on with the divorce, and destroying the family...

My kids are so young...  7 and 9 -  I feel so bad for them.  I cant even talk about what the plans are for when we are divorced.

She says we should just talk to the attorneys..  She really is so naive.  Attorneys don t tell you how you are going to live, and what bills not to pay.

In a way, I cant wait til reality hits her...  She is just waiting, and accepting that things will be different but not planning on who to deal with the issues....  i guess that's all part of the process.

[Mermaid]

I've said before, and I continue to think that midlife crisis does not exist, in that it is not a single identifiable disorder, with predictable causes and outcomes. There is no consistent and reliable scientific evidence that it does.

There is evidence that psychological stages don't exist as much as we would like to believe; there are tendencies rather than definitive patterns of behaviour, psychological reorganisations rather than steps. It doesn't always help to say "what stage is my H at? Where is he in his tunnel?" because there is no tunnel, and stages can occur simultaneously or be skipped. The expressions we use here to describe it "replay", "in the tunnel" etc are metaphors that help us deal with our own crisis that arises from the disruption in our lives.

But what we see in our partners is a psychological crisis:

A psychological crisis is a non-illness response to severe stress.

 These responses can be maladaptive, and can lead to a number of psychological defence mechanisms (such as  denial, rationalization, splitting, narcissism, acting out, devaluation, displacement, dissociation, fantasy, and repression) in order to cope with reality and maintain self image. (see: http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders21.html, and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanism )

The wheels of change are set in motion, with our spouse trying to solve the discomfort they feel, and reach a new equilibrium. There are some who feel they have reached this with a new partner, until issues arise that caused their original crisis, or other factors cause the spouse to feel uncomfortable with their new situation. If they return to their original spouse without adaptive responses on both sides, the crisis won't be solved.

In other words, their crisis causes our crisis; we can only work on our own adaptive responses.

[Thundarr]

Hey Mermaid,

I find your post from today very interesting (like all of them), but would like you to flesh it out a bit more.  Knowing that there is no DSM diagnosis for MLC, and the fact that there can be wide-ranging differences in those who we believe are having them, I too have questioned the existence.  Two questions I do have, though are:

1.  How would you explain the correlation between age and onset?  Women tend to all go into it at around 35-45, men around 45-55.  Would you attribute this to hormonal changes?

2.  How would you explain the consistency of bizarre behaviors exhibited such as the eyes, illogical thinking, overwhelming compulsion to run away, magical thinking etc.? 

3.  You mention that there are not truly stages, and that stages can be skipped altogether.  Can you enlighten me on some examples of this?

4.  Given your statements, do you believe that time frames are dependable in that this can take a certain minimum amount of time or do you believe that this can resolve in a shorter amount of time than what is generally believed here?

5.  What is the minimum amount of time that a person has gone through this that you know of, and do you believe that they truly "come of of a fog"?

Thanks!

[LisaLives]

Crossing Paths, Laurence and Wendy Steinberg
Giving the Love that Heals, Harville Hendrix

T, Check out these books.  I have a lot of thoughts on your questions, but your first question is the basis of the first book that correlates adolescence with adult crisis.  Of course not all MLC kids are adolescents, but if you expand their theory that parents have a hard time adjusting when their kids reach an age of their own maladjustment, it makes sense.  It is also talked about by Hendrix--that as parents we pass on our baggage.  Both relevant to your current search.  Lisa

[OldPilot]

Well as long as we are suggesting books - I would throw in this book

Understanding Men's Passages by Gail Sheehy

which show that each decade there is a chance for a crisis.starting at 20 until 70

which corresponds to the hormonal decline in men.

To answer that part of the question, is that there is normally a hormonal portion to this crisis.

It is not necessarily the same hormones or time for each person.

Women can have babies, PPD, periomenopause, and menopause all contributing to largely fluctuating  hormonal patterns.

I have thoughts on the other questions too but I will leave them for Mermaid or get the books and read them.