[Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?]

Which of these do you believe was the main factor triggering your spouse's MLC?

Stress and/ or burnout

12 (25%)

Medication

1 (2.1%)

Dealing with childhood issues

10 (20.8%)

Hormonal changes

3 (6.3%)

Depression

8 (16.7%)

Neurological changes, unrelated to anything outside

1 (2.1%)

Underlying personality disorder,

7 (14.6%)

Social fears (aging, mortality, children leaving, etc.)

2 (4.2%)

Genetics

0 (0%)

External factors (work, OW, etc.)

1 (2.1%)

None of these (please add a note) Death of his mother

3 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 48

Voting closed: August 20, 2016, 03:03:33 PM

[WarriorPriestess]

Jeez, talk about perfectionistic tendencies...  I always seem to find a typo right after I post and then have to go back and edit lol.

[Thundarr]

My thought on OP's observations are in line with the possibility that perimenopause may have quite a bit to do with what is happening with my W.  In talking to my D18 earlier today, it is clear that my W has an almost psychotic detest of me and everything that reminds her of me.  This is far more than a traditional breakup as she wants nothing that even remotely reminds her of me in her environment, including the kids.  D18 said she told her that video games were banned in her home as they were something that I'm into.  She even gave me back the HDTV that she had bought and I didn't know why at the time, but figure it was because it was also a reminder.  She did purchase a new one that's my favorite brand, coincidentally.

This complete fixation on deleting everything about me from her life makes me convinced that there HAS to be a biological component to this.  D18 told me that I have done absolutely nothing to warrant this kind of reaction from W, and even if there had been domestic violence or infidelity on my part then what she's doing would be above and beyond reasonable.  She seems to show no remorse or guilt or sign that she's second-guessing her decisions.  She just wants to eliminate me and everything about me.  Delete my very existence, including changing her name back to her maiden name. 

OP, is this more extreme than what your wife was or is in your memory?  I've dealt with psychotic clients and this really is like extreme OCD but focused on a particular person.  It really is to the point of being clinically diagnosable.  How can she delete all of our good memories?  As recently as April we were like lovebirds.

[OldPilot]

Well I do not believe you can compare my wife to yours, they are not exactly the same.
My wife does want me out of her life, she believes her life will be better when I am gone.
But she has not told me that.

Our wives are also at different ages and different parts of the crisis. IMHO.

There is no question that there is a biological component to MLC or LC=Life Crisis.
But I would say it is one part.
The childhood issues, the depression, the triggers are all other parts.

I was told by my IC/MC that those women that go through PPD have an excellent chance of having another
depression later in life.
For my wife this makes the third time.
She also was going to commit suicide in her teenage years.
IMHO this also corresponds to her entering the hormonal phase of her life.
SO for my wife severe depression has accompanied some of her major transitions in life.

I will add in that during my marriage their would be times in the last 10 years that I was getting divorced for periods of 10 days at a time.
I always atrributed this to PMS as it would then go away and everything would be fine.
It also seemed to revolve sometimes around her parents visiting our home.
When they left again everything would be fine.
So now was this just the earlier stages of MLC? Maybe.
I failed to act upon any of this and TBH I do not think I could have done anything to prevent this or change it.

OP, is this more extreme than what your wife was or is in your memory?  I've dealt with psychotic clients and this really is like extreme OCD but focused on a particular person.  It really is to the point of being clinically diagnosable.  How can she delete all of our good memories? 

She is associating you with PAIN.
So how does she get rid of the PAIN?  simple eliminate YOU.

That is why you need to detach and leave her alone.
She needs to realize that she will be in PAIN whether you are there or not.

My wife has lost 4 jobs. Was I the cause of her losing these jobs?
I was not there, we were not even talking.
I guess this last one you could blame on getting divorced.
Of course is that my fault?
She filed and is attacking me.

Thundarr do you see a trend yet?

I do you tell me.

[WarriorPriestess]

That is why you need to detach and leave her alone.
She needs to realize that she will be in PAIN whether you are there or not.

OP, I totally agree!  Easier said than done I know.

[Trustandlove]

Just one thought, and I do get that I may get bashed for this....

If you don't believe that MLC is a process, linear or otherwise, can that hinder the acceptance that is necessary to get through this? 

I myself went through what I"d call an "early-life" crisis,  triggered by very stressful family events; in many ways it followed the path that an MLCer takes -- I ran away, all sorts of things.  Major difference was that I didn't abandon a husband and children, but I did forcefully throw away my parents and community, etc.,  I'll write about it more sometime.  And it was a process, and I remember when I woke up.  I had made a huge mess, which I then proceeded to clean up.    And I had to go all the way through. 

But I was young then, and youth is forgiven so much more. 

[OldPilot]

Just one thought, and I do get that I may get bashed for this....

If you don't believe that MLC is a process, linear or otherwise, can that hinder the acceptance that is necessary to get through this? 

I myself went through what I"d call an "early-life" crisis,  triggered by very stressful family events; in many ways it followed the path that an MLCer takes -- I ran away, all sorts of things.  Major difference was that I didn't abandon a husband and children, but I did forcefully throw away my parents and community, etc.,  I'll write about it more sometime.  And it was a process, and I remember when I woke up.  I had made a huge mess, which I then proceeded to clean up.    And I had to go all the way through. 

But I was young then, and youth is forgiven so much more.

No bashing from me.

I have to say that is possible, that it could hinder you if you don't do what you are suppose to do.
Detach and play the role of the LBS.

I also will say that I DO believe in MLC, and if you want to call it a Life Crisis, I am fine with that too.
But to say that none of this exists... NOPE, I won't accept that.

[LisaLives]

Just one thought, and I do get that I may get bashed for this....

If you don't believe that MLC is a process, linear or otherwise, can that hinder the acceptance that is necessary to get through this? 

I absolutely think that my non-acceptance of the process theory is what keeps me from standing, not from gettng through, but getting through with my marriage intact, spiritual or otherwise.  If I could bring myself to believe that it is a "thing" and he will get through it, I could stand, but for me there is too much uncetainty to put any part of my life on hold waiting for him to get through.  Also, because it is not a set "thing" there is no way for me to know if he has "it" or if he is just a jerk... 

[OldPilot]

I absolutely think that my non-acceptance of the process theory is what keeps me from standing, not from gettng through, but getting through with my marriage intact, spiritual or otherwise.  If I could bring myself to believe that it is a "thing" and he will get through it, I could stand, but for me there is too much uncetainty to put any part of my life on hold waiting for him to get through.  Also, because it is not a set "thing" there is no way for me to know if he has "it" or if he is just a jerk...

So what research makes you believe this. Or is it just easier to give up?

Have you read any of what RCR say?
You must then disagree with her?

LL understand that I am not trying to start an argument, more just trying to say that I DO believe in this.
I do believe in what RCR has written.
I HAVE done my own research to confirm it, and it may not be the easiest way out.
But it is what I choose to do.

And putting your life on HOLD? - NOPE that is not what standing is all about.
It is about moving forward and living your life to the fullest!

[Mamma Bear]

  Here! Here !OP Well said

[LisaLives]

I did not want to turn this into another debate about my lack of a stand, I just wanted to say that I think that if you don't accept the process, I think it makes it impossible to stand--because without a belief in an "end" there is no way to wait. 

I have a great deal of respect for RCR and everything she has written.  I agree with her portrayal of a process that "some" people go through.  And I think that there are people on here who can see, with clarity that their S fits that mold.  I don't feel that certain.  In retrospect, my H had too many narc tendencies, and comes from a narc family, so it is not unrealistic to be to believe that what I sometimes think is MLC is his new normal--that he went through an MLT over the last several years when things were tough and he has already arrived at his new self. 

And RCRs definition of standing does not include dating or a search for a new partner--so standing does require putting that part of your life on hold.  I want a partner in my life, I don't think I'll ever get married again, but I like the company of an intimate partner, and I am not willing to put that part of my life on hold to wait for him.  Standing means keeping your vows even if your spouse doesn't.  Standing means you move on in every way BUT one, and for some people, that ONE is significant--RCR even raised it in her last blog post, so I know she sees it also.