[Ez]

Hi All,

I decided to start a new thread (but it's perhaps more of a discussion) about the relationship between MLC and Mental Health Issues.  Maybe this is a discussion thats been had before but I was wondering if there was anyone else out there with a MLCer who also suffers from problems with mental health.

5 years ago H had his first panic attack while at work.  He strongly believes that it isn't anxiety and that he has something medically wrong with him.  There is a family history of anxiety and he grew up being told by his dad "be careful or you'll end up mental like your mother and grandmother", so he has a real stigma about being "mental".  While he has had some therapy in the early days he has relied upon medication to control the symptoms for most of the 5 years.  In the last 2 years thinks had become so much worse and while I thought it was the anxiety I can see now it was also the MLC starting.

So often the lines between the MLC and the anxiety are blurred and I'm not sure where one begins and the other ends.  I question it daily as to what is really going on and is it MLC or is it anxiety or am I just grasping at straws to find a reason behind this tragedy in our lives.  It is so hard to see the person I love dearly suffering like this and be powerless to do anything about it, he looks absolutely terrible and despite the new clothes, dyed hair and fit body from working out every day. 

Has anyone else experienced this and what if anything works.  I'm trying to show H I care while not putting pressure on him, to be be warm and friendly and embrace him in our lives for the short moments we have with him.  I try to hide the anger and frustration and hurt which is hard when he continues to do such irresponsible things and get himself into further debt.  I've protected myself as much as possible financially but we still own a house together which i could lose.  I also worry that he is becoming or is depressed and will either intentionally or unintentionally hurt himself.

It's been 3 months today since he left but feels like an eternity.  I know this process takes time but I never give up hope.  I had thought or hoped we may have been in a better place for christmas but as each day passes and christmas draws closer that hope is fading.  I really miss my best friend and so badly wish he would come back to me.

Ez xx

[kikki]

Hi Ez
I've only just found this thread while looking for mine.
Yes, there are many of us that ponder the same question.

Many believe that if there are any mental health issues that are 'hovering' prior to MLC, that the cocktail of the emotional, spiritual, developmental, hormonal changes, all construe to 'tip them over the edge' at this time of their lives.

My H is displaying manic tendencies throughout his crisis, but we're not seeing the related depressive 'down' state, where he isn't productive.  Even so, many people have queried whether he is bipolar.  I have no idea.  I guess, like everything, it is all on a spectrum.  He is very creative, and so these things often go hand in hand.  But would he be able to pull himself together, and put on his public mask so easily when he wants to, if he truly was bipolar?  This is where I get confused.
And yes, his anxiety and panic attacks have been extreme at various times throughout the crisis.

Not sure if you looked at my thread with the information on brain scanning and mental illness.  Will include a link.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1771.0

[Ez]

Thanks for the link Kikki and holy crap i think H's brain would light up like a christmas tree.  So many of the symptoms described I have seen in H.

I often wonder whether the anxiety was triggered by the early stages of MLC or whether the MLC was triggered by the anxiety or whether they just crashed head on and created the train wreck I am dealing with now.  Although I'm fairly certain the MCL was probably the final straw that did tip him over the edge.

My H is also very creative and has also had a bit of a "manic" personality but has also had the down "depressive" side too.  These qualities seem heightened during this time and I have also had friends question whether H is Bipolar.  I've seen worst case bipolar in work I've done and i wouldn't say it was that bad but like you said I think there is a spectrum with any diagnosis.  While H continues to work and put on a public mask i also get confused but I also know work has noticed the changes, he's not working as much and taking more time off which he would never do.  i do wonder just how long he can "hold it together".  At the moment he uses medication to achieve this, often combines it with alcohol and I fear he is an accident waiting to happen.

It's so hard to see someone you love suffering like this and be powerless to do anything,

Ez xx

[ThePhoenix (TP)]

Hi EZ, I am new to this forum, but I believe that some form of mental illness can trigger or at least contribute in some way to a MLC. 

My husband also exhibits very bi-polar tendencies, and has suffered one or two severe bouts of depression in his life, one almost suicidal.  He has always shown the the happy mask to the outside world, where as I got the "real" him, which I believe was always in a low level state of depression. After much urging from me he did attempt counseling a few times, and tried anti-depressants 2x, both times I saw a remarked difference, but he stopped both times on his own after a few months declaring they weren't helping.  Right now he is definitely in a manic state and I fear what will happen when he actually looks back and really sees the path of destruction he has left, if that will trigger a severe depressive state, but not of a productive kind.  I have just tried to position friends and family members  that he knows, respects and looks up to to be around him so if he is ready to reach out for help, there will be someone there.  I know that person can not be me.

I believe that certain personality types are more prone to severe symptoms of MLC, and I think having some form of even a functioning mental illness is one of those characteristics that make them more susceptible.  I come from a family of mental health professionals, and they agree. 

Meantime take care of yourself and know you can only do so much. Your husband has to want to take the steps to want to change, get help or deal with whatever is going on with himself. Its all up to him, and I know how frustrating that can be when you want to help so bad but can  only watch them self destruct.

A Blessed Christmas to you and your family during this time.

[Tryingforhope]

This is only my second reply - I haven't posted my own thread yet.  But this really strikes home with me...my H (left home in September - living at his mother's house - she's in assisted living) has been going through a series of mental health issues (I believe) for the past several years.  He lost his job (technically demoted from a school administrator to a teacher) and switched districts (to be a principal again).  He completely broke down for several days and wouldn't leave his bed.  It took all I had to get him out of bed, looking for a new job, and getting back to "normal".  His father died not long after and that made it even worse...he was diagnosed as having low testosterone (after I finally put my foot down and said he had to seek help).  He was put on prescription meds for that and also prescribed zoloft.  The problem is that while the doctor said he needed to see a counselor for the underlying issues and that the medicine would only help take the edge off, he hasn't.  I believe he either has some bipolar tendencies or, to be honest, may be a high functioning aspergers (my son is being tested right now for this and the similarities between he and his dad are incredible).

I just want him to get help  - I've begged to go to counseling with him for our marriage and to help him, but right now he's just left home.  He said he needs to clear his head, get things straight and the life at home is too much for him to handle right now- but I'm afraid that he is sinking deeper.  He said the "thing" with the other woman was a realization that there's more out there and he needs to figure out what he wants...

[LoveMeMyself]

I read this yesterday and again today.  I thought I'd add a little about my situation/experience in regards to this discussion.  My exH was on medication about two years prior to BD (Oct. 09).  He was very "secretive" about it and I respected his privacy.  He told me he was experiencing "social anxiety" so he went to a psychotherapist every 3 or 4 months and was taking medication.  I never actually knew what kind he was taking.  He had later revealed to me that he was also on an antidepressant.  So, after BD and he moved out and filed for divorce (all MLC stuff) his doctor appointments increased as well as medication.  He was abusing the meds and the doctor was giving them too freely.  After my exH lost his job June, 2010 he attempted suicide (overdose) and ended up in the hospital.  I know this may sound strange, but I believe it was a blessing..........he got away from the "free giving doctor" and got with a better group of doctors.  He is still on medication but it is monitored more closely as he continues to see his doctor.  At one point my exH told me that his father and grandmother both suffered from depression.  I never knew either of them.  I realize depression is a major factor of MLC so I'm not sure that my exH suffers the "hereditary" depression or if it's just the MLC.  I know my exH still blames everything on his depression.  He seems somewhat better even though he is still struggling with issues.......can't find a job which keeps him down (he is working part-time) but he is also beginning to express a great deal of remorse over all the damage he has done and the loss of what he had with me.  I know my exH is also dealing with other issues........he's always felt "pressure" from his family to keep everybody happy........apparently this is a major hurdled for him to overcome.

[Ez]

TP - I also know I can't be the person to help H through this and yes I can only do so much.  H picked the kids up yesterday after a doctors appointment.  His panic attacks have worsened and he looked terrible.    For the first time in ages he actually wanted to talk to me about it.  I just listened, acknowledge how awful it must feel and reassured that i'm always here if he wants to talk.  I didn't give any advice or voice my opinions other than to encourage him to look after himself and remind him i care.  He was on the verge of tears and I could see the anguish he was going through.  It's funny he said he was surprised that he had gotten so much worse considering he has finally got himself set up in a unit and has been on leave from work and relaxing.  He just doesn't realise that running away, changing his environment and lifestyle are not going take away the root cause of his problems, they follow you wherever you go. 

Tryingforhope - welcome to the forum, I hope you find it as helpful as I have.  My H also left in September and saying very similar things, so I know how raw it can all feel.  Hang in there and remember you are not alone.  xx

LoveMyMan - I'm so glad your H is now getting the treatment he needs.  I've also learnt the hard way that not all health care professionals provide the best treatment.  You think you're doing the right thing by seeing someone but it only gets worse.  Just because someone has qualification doesn't mean they are good at there job.  I'm now having therapy about the way I was treated by another therapist.  Sorry rant over, but I'm so passionate about it.

Anyway hope everyone survived Christmas and the holidays, take care and (((HUGS))) to all

Ez xx

[ThePhoenix (TP)]

He just doesn't realise that running away, changing his environment and lifestyle are not going take away the root cause of his problems, they follow you wherever you go. 

EZ-
I cant even count how many times over the years I have had that discussion with my H. He is a classic cut and run when he is emotionally overwhelmed. H somehow thinks he can either figure out how to change his self destructive behaviors on his own (even though he has failed for 20 years so far) or just leave them behind in the dust and they will just disperse away in a mushroom cloud behind him.  I truly believe the build up of what he has tried and failed to run from has finally caught up and is the cause of this current crisis. 

The biggest challenge is to not just know we can not fix them, but actually step back from it all and focus on ourselves. Everytime I do, he sucks me back in before I even realize its happening. My goal right now at the start of this journey, just to be able to recognize when its actually happening! Baby Steps, Baby Steps! - TP

[Standing in Patience]

Maybe I am wrong, but I don't remember a thread about this specifically. If so, please merge.

I have asked several doctors (some are friends) about MLC. A few family members know what is going on and a few friends, but I don't "spread the word" far about h mlc otherwise.

One doctor said "Yes, it happens a lot". "Most people don't recognize it, but it looks like depression, melancholy, anxiety". When asked "Do they come out of it whole?", the same
doctor said, "Yes, eventually but sometimes they aren't the same person". So it goes to show that at least this medical doctor recognizes the symptoms.

I believe some mlcers do confide in their doctor, that "something" has changed within them or there are symptoms that they can put their finger on. Maybe they are looking for validation, prescription(s) or want to question a professional about it and not with their spouse or partner or friends.

Another doctor just said.. "Oh, I am so sorry that you and your family are dealing with a spouse having a midlife crisis."

Any thoughts? Has anyone else asked their doctor? Wondering, out loud...

[LettingGo]

Honestly... I don't think anyone believes in or cares about MLC until it happens to them... even if they've "heard stories", they really can't relate.... just one of those things that circulates around between people... like a secret society... remember when you first landed here and someone said "Welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of....."?