[Faith]

I'm just looking for some input and opinions about what is "amicable".  My  H (stbx unfortunately) is always throwing this word at me when I don't behave as he wants me to.  I am as NC as possible for my own emotional safety.

H thinks it's still my responsibility to inform him of all our kids' activities, even though I've told him since he doesn't want a wife anymore he needs to call the school/soccer coach/etc. and get himself put on the necessary email lists for information.  He and his parents recently came to my D's choir concert (after I informed him of it) and I stayed away from them.  I wasn't rude, I just kept my distance.  For this I was again accused of not being "amicable".  H thinks I should seek them out for fakey fake chit-chat, but I am just unable to do that anymore (finally have set some protective boundaries).

Now my D, who is normally a great student, is struggling in some classes.  Her teachers say she is distracted and not as engaged as normal.  No big surprise given her horrible family situation.  I informed H of her midterm grades, and now he is repeatedly asking for more details and wanting to "help".  I didn't even bring it up, but he immediately said that her grades are not due to our divorce, but that she is a social 14 year old and this is normal.  How is he supposed to "help" her?  He doesn't live with us and sees her maybe 2 hours a week for "fun".  Plus he's telling himself she's just "normal".  Nothing is his responsibility of course.

From my perspective, H just doesn't seem to understand what divorce means.  That he can't leave his family, but still expect me to be his personal assistant, and he can't jump in and out of the girls' lives to help bolster his claim of being a "good dad".  Am I way off base here??  Does amicable really mean I have to pretend we aren't currently in an awful court battle because he has been hiding assets to avoid supporting us?  Do I have to be fakey nice knowing he has an OW? 

Does anyone else's MLCer throw around this "amicable" word?

[StillStanding]

I'm just looking for some input and opinions about what is "amicable".  My  H (stbx unfortunately) is always throwing this word at me when I don't behave as he wants me to.

It's a controlling tactic, and it's not exclusive to MLC. There is a lot of social pressure on women to be polite and accommodating and to put others' needs before their own. Women who stand up for themselves or refuse to be pushed around are seen as "unladylike" or "b!tc#y."

As you say, your husband doesn't seem to grasp yet that he is going to be responsible for maintaining his own relationship with his kids. You have it exactly right; he doesn't get to toss the parts of your relationship he doesn't want to bother with and keep the parts that are convenient for him.

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

I don't hear amicable from my H, but I bet I would have if he'd followed through when he declared we're "DONE".  FYI here are the verses I like to refer to from Ephesians 5:28-31
So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.  What your husband is doing by insisting on all of the nicey-nice stuff is like a man who has basically just sawed off his entire arm, and as he's sitting there bleeding, he is demanding that nobody bring up the fact that he just sawed off his own arm.  "Let's have a nice chat about the weather, or the kids or whatever, but let's not make a big deal over the fact I am bleeding to death okay?  It wouldn't be nice."

[In this for ME]

What you're doing is absolutly the way to handle it. Your NOT his personal assistant. It's just a way to keep drawing you in.

My ExH acutally said he couldn't believe how much he missed the 5 PM dinners we had as a family every night. HELLLLLLLLLLOOOO ...EARTH TO IDIOT!!!! I don't live there anymore and either do the girls..what did you think a divorce is? Did you think we were coming up for dinner every night???

Well now I guess we have redefined divorce for ourselves as I'm back living here with the kids. 

Oh and if your hubby needs a definaition

Amicable implies being well disposed; amiable is acting well disposed and is commonly applied only to people—though sometimes it is used for occasions, while amicable is not applied to people at all but to human interactions and their outcomes. Amiable first meant "kind" or "lovely, lovable," and amicable first applied to things and meant "pleasant, benign."

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

My ExH acutally said he couldn't believe how much he missed the 5 PM dinners we had as a family every night. HELLLLLLLLLLOOOO ...EARTH TO IDIOT!!!! I don't live there anymore and either do the girls..what did you think a divorce is? Did you think we were coming up for dinner every night???

Hilarious!  Yes, they only want to get rid of the "bad", but keep everything that's "good"!

[kikki]

Faith - I agree - he is trying to control you. 

I'm about six months behind you in the BD timeline, and this year our teenaged sons have all struggled at school.  Grades all way down, and teachers reporting they're not concentrating. (okay, so they're boys, but they have noticed a marked difference).

My H also got wind of this, and jumped on the band wagon wanting to help.  His 'help' always causes more problems, and lasts a few days at best, until the next time that he wants to jump onto the band wagon again.

It's so very hard to watch our kids suffering, all the while our spouses are declaring it's 'normal' teenaged stuff. 

[In this for ME]

Yeah this is the part of the BS he tried to spoon feed me ( and holler if anyone heard any of these)

"Oh the kids will be fine" 

"I'll be happier so they will be happier" 

"It's better for the kids this way" 

WOW ... he should have been shot with a ball of his own sh!t..... no kidding.

[kikki]

Yip InThis - heard the lot.

Plus my personal favourites - 'I don't care if the kids no longer respect me, that's how strongly I feel about what I am doing'

and ' I can no longer live by your or your children's morals' (gotta love that one)

[In this for ME]

Yeah what about the one:
"Someday the kids will have thier own lives and what are you and I going to do together??"

The operative word is SOMEDAY STUPID!!!! We aren't done raising them yet!!!
And what are we going to do together??? - who the hell knows???  I ain't got a crystal ball and we are quite a few years away from that part yet.

Jeppers Creepers with the way he went back to the past and ahead to the future it's a wonder I don't have whiplash. Friggin' idiot.

[xyzcf]

I finally learned to do what I do to protect me and my daughter. I am confused lately as we are legally separated and lately he'sbeen emailing and I wonder..is this his way not to be the bad guy?

Last week he sent me a text asking what size our daughter was now..guess he was Christmas shopping..although I did send him the information asked for I had to share with Trusting "what does he think I am ...his wife?"

We have not lived together for 28 months....I still treat him with kindness and respect but he stays pretty much away from me whi h is easier on me.