I don't think it is possible to have this type of discussion and not have a bit of controversy.
Honestly, this is a subject that I have struggled with, on an intellectual basis.
We are told to "live as if they aren't coming back." Well, if I truly lived as if my H wasn't coming back (and if I am honest - that is a distinct possibility) - eventually I would be open to a new relationship. Part of accepting that the old relationship is dead and gone - would be to be open to a new relationship. With my H or possibly someone else.
One of the things it seems many people on the forum struggle with (I struggle with this) is the burning question - Is my spouse truly in MLC or is he/she merely a WAS? Depression or no depression, OW or no OW - sometimes (I won't venture to say many times....) but sometimes a person just walks away from a marriage and never looks back. Maybe they live to regret it....but cannot bring themselves to endure the risk and strength that it may take to regain their spouses.
I have quite a bit of respect for those who can "Stand" for years and years and years. I just don't know that I would be able to do this. I am 51 - in a few months I will reach 52. I don't wish to spend my remaining days alone. I've read the articles on this site and many others. Most books and articles clearly say that the majority of the MLCers eventually come out of it. But, let's face it guys and gals- this takes years and years. For my 30 year marriage - I choose to Stand - in hopes that we may have an opportunity to reconcile someday. But, I do not have a "knowing." There are no guarantees. If I am to believe my H at this point - I am the Devil's spawn in his eyes.
I know - Replay lasts around 2 years on average....from the threads on this site - it appears to be longer. After that, I should (could) see Depression and Withdrawal...or I may not see anything. I'm not sure how I will feel a year from now....2 years from now. I certainly understand Rediscover.....I don't think I need to tell anyone who is ahead of me in the timetable - this a long time to be alone.
And, Mama, with all due respect - should I choose to become involved with someone else, I guess I wonder about this "moral high ground" that I may be giving up. One of the issues in my marriage was that my H was usually messing up (drugs, alcohol, overspending) and I did the cleaning up after him. It lead to a very unhealthy relationship. Me, acting like a Martyr and he, always feeling like he had to "make" something up to me. I believe that, one of the reasons he may never be able to live with me again would be feeling like I had something over him - since he left....he caused this.....he is, once again, at fault. For me, I don't see ANY chance of a reconciliation for us - if I am to hold some "moral high ground" over him. Again, I am speaking of my situation. No one Else's.
Does that mean I am ready to have another relationship? No. It doesn't. But, something my counselor told me - a while back - that I have had to accept. My H and I are no longer in a relationship. We are not legally divorced - but we live as if we already are. I have only eaten one meal with him since the day he left - and that was the night he asked me to have dinner with him so he could ask for a divorce. If I remember correctly, I never ate a bite. My counselor told me that it wasn't any of my business what my H does at this point - as we have no commitment to each other. Which, in turn, means that my actions are also none of his business. It hurts to think that....but it's true. That relationship is dead and gone. With the exception of the responsibilities of our kids and our bills - he owes me nothing. Yes. He said wedding vows to me (twice - as a matter of fact).....but he broke them. They are broken.
That being said....
Do I think it would be a good idea for me to be sexually involved with someone else at this point? No. I don't. And it wouldn't have anything to do with betraying my spouse or breaking my wedding vows. He broke the vows a long time ago. They no longer exist, in that sense. I say no - because I know ME. I know that I would become attached. Should the feelings be mutual - it would end my Stand - as I would move on. At this point...I am not ready to do this. I don't know how I will feel in the future.
Still Standing - you've mentioned the three reconciled marriages from the forum. (I know that there are a few more in the reconnection stage - but, let's talk about the three). RCR's H was a clinging boomerang. They spent time together. I imagine that they had a "relationship" of some physical sort over the 3.5 years that he came and went. HB's husband never left. I know that HB has stated that he took a long time to finally get through his crisis - but they did not live apart for a significant amount of time. Stayed and her H reconnected while he was still in Replay. She has stated that the next 1.5 years were really, really tough. But, they got through and their relationship is better than it had ever been (Stayed - if I have misquoted you - please correct me).
I am not in any way suggesting that what any of the situations mentioned above were "easy." These ladies went through all the stages and pain that the rest of us have either gone through and/or are still going through. But, what of the Vanishes and the On-Offers - or just the Non-clinging boomerangs? In these cases, we are considering a very long time of Standing with ZERO positive signs. I think we would be fooling ourselves to suggest that, in order to have some chance of reconciliation, all of these LBS are to become monks.
I am not advocating anything here. I would not say to anyone - Go Ahead. No harm, no foul. It's fine....do it. I would not say to anyone - if you are a Stander - then act like a Nun. I have read the articles. I know what is recommended regarding dating. I understand the moral, ethical, logical and religious reason(s) for this recommendation. I am not bound by religious, moral, or ethical beliefs. My choice is based upon what is best for ME and my kids. Introducing another man into my life, at this point, would NOT be a healthy decision for ME. I cannot and will not make that decision for anyone else. I believe that this is a personal decision.....a personal choice.....
I've spent so many years of my life judging others. (In spite of my somewhat immoral stance here, I was raised in a very strict religious family and have lived a moral life). I used to feel a "moral high ground" over people who chose to live together before marriage, have children out of wedlock, have multiple partners, etc. This is one of the things about myself that I have decided to change....as it was not a very virtuous trait. It was unkind and cruel......I made decisions about others - based upon how I believed that they should live their lives.
This site is for Standers....but nonstanders post here, as well. This site is against divorce....yet some of the most consistent posters are already or will soon be divorced. I guess I have adjusted my view of Standing.....it's not about the MLCer nor the marriage. It is about the LBS. Standing for ourselves. Standing so that we can heal. Standing so that we respond and not react. Standing.....so that we can know the joy of true forgiveness...as forgiveness is really for ourselves. If after all of that....my marriage is reconciled...then so much the better. But, I must be prepared for a alternate result.
If my comments are against the principles of this site....so be it.
I will get off my soap box now....
L
Author
Topic: 
Sex and Standing