[BonBon]

Wondering's quote:

"By educating ourselves about MLC I think it will help guide us through our transitions when the time comes."

Could not agree more.  I think we know too much to let it turn into the ugly crisis we've been subjected to by our spouses.  I don't think our spouses knew exactly what was happening to them hence thier inability to recognize it and deal.  That isn't an excuse for them by the way...but I think we here are too knowledgeable about the signs and behavoirs.  I would rather grow pink and purple polka dots on my face than to be known as an MLCer.

[LisaLives]

This is where I get stuck on the "MLC" language.  What charecterizes most MLCers is not the "crisis" but the lack of "coping."  And it's not just depression, either, in most cases, because that would look more like MLT--but I do think there are a couple people in here who have low energy spouses who kind of mope around aimlessly with no real outward poor behavior--they may be more MLTers than MLCers--not to minimize their struggles at all. 

It is the running and hiding that causes all the problems--the sudden need to turn over their lives, and everyone else's, as a result.  I am very close to an interesting situation right now.  A long-term bad marriage, H always was somewhat abusive.  W decides to leave, as a result, I think of an MLT, borderline MLC.  He has been fully pitched into MLC by her leaving.  He is having an office affair, spending like crazy, went total monster...  Rather than look "inside" for the reasons for the breakdown of his marriage, he went berserk and decided to "fix" everything on the outside. 

So, I think that if any of us were prone to a full blown "MLC" we would be there because we are ALL in CRISIS.  But we are dealing with it--we spend countless hours on here, constantly being reminded that is it not about us and we can't FIX it, we reach out and get therapy and friends...  I am pretty sure most of us are pretty safe--no guarantees, but just MHO...     

[WarriorPriestess]

Wow, I had no idea so many other LBS were experiencing the same thing!  I also feel that it has given me sympathy for my H.  When I mention feelings I am having like wanting to RUN, examining FOO issues or cutting unhealthy relationships out of my life, H nods in understanding and agreement.  In many ways I get it, oh too well.  But it is not pleasant to feel out of control of one's self.  That is the part that scares me.  I have experienced it in the past with anxiety/panic issues and it has caused me to run fast and hard.  Although, looking back, I was running from situations that were unhealthy or overwhelming for me.  But there was definite fallout for the people left behind.

On the plus side, it has helped me to detach from H and his issues, as there is now a strong need to focus on ME.  Although frankly it is good to just get out of my head in general now no matter what the focus, stop obsessing, and just do something physical and/or nurturing for me.  I also, don't get so hung up on the "MLC language" or the differences between MLC, MLT, or just a general crisis or transition.  There are similarities throughout with varying degrees of intensity and of course how individuals choose to react to the experience. 

[StillStanding]

For people who are worrying that you may be on the verge of having an MLC of your own…

* We've all been bombed by our spouses; told they don't love us, or never loved us. They could be threatening us with divorce, or have filed and pushing along full steam ahead.
* They may be having an EA or a physical affair. Maybe they've moved out to be with their "one true love", or because they can't handle being around us because we make them feel guilty.
* Their Replay antics could be running up an immense tab financially and wrecking their credit or their careers, while we have to sit by and make sure the damage doesn't spill onto us.
* They could be drinking, doing drugs, gambling, sleeping around, or any number of self-destructive behaviors.
* They may be lying about what they're doing, what they're spending money on, or who they're spending time with.
* Our friends may be telling us to dump them, or that they're not worth it, or that we're being suckers or gullible or clingy.
* Our family may be angry at our spouses on our behalf; their family may be angry with us to stuff we may or may not have done.
* Many of us have kids who are dragged into the middle of this, not understanding why one of their parents left, or why we fight all of the time, or why we are sad/depressed/angry.

And you think you MAY be having a crisis? 

If you think you're having trouble coping with everything, I would suggest talking to a therapist or a counselor. I did for about 6-8 months, in addition to a minister at my local church (whom I'm still meeting with).

[In this for ME]

YEP! ESPECIALLY when I am sleep deprived and stressed out..LIKE I AM TODAY!!! Oh Joy 

Running is VERY strong

Now WP doesn't it make you feel better to know you're NOT alone???  :oIt does me!!!

[WarriorPriestess]

Now WP doesn't it make you feel better to know you're NOT alone???  :oIt does me!!!

It doesn't necessarily make me feel better.  But it really does surprise me!  Obviously, all LBS are going through a crisis, but I did not expect to see so many who were experiencing what would be construed as classic MLC symptoms while doing so. 

[In this for ME]

Well I think SS last post really does explain it.

In short: How do your have your whole world basicaly blow up in your face and NOT be thrown into a crisis of your own??

[Mamma Bear]

   Short answer: By coming here!!

[WarriorPriestess]

I guess I want to specify a difference between the crisis experience of being a LBS who is BD, and having a personal MLC or a transition with MLC symptoms.  For me, they are two separate things.  One is a relationship crisis, and the other is more of an existential crisis.  Perhaps the MLC/transition symptoms were triggered by the original BD, but the symptoms and issues are not about my H at all.  They are about ME and MY issues up to this point in time. 

What I mean, when BD happened 20 months ago, I fell into deep crisis/survival mode.  But it all centered around my R and my H.  Not until probably 14-16 months later did I start to experience running/replay tendencies and urges.  While doing so, they weren't about my H at all.  Frankly I didn't want to think about him at all while they were happening, and just wanted to focus on myself.  Just like the crisis experience of job loss or a parent's death can often trigger the start of a MLC for our MLCers, my thoughts are that my H's MLC may have triggered the start of a MLC/MLT in myself.  Make sense?  I am not saying I am necessarily going to run out and act out all the crazy impulses I am having, but the impulses are there. 

[wondering]

See, while I think I'm having a crisis because of MLC..I don't see myself exhibiting the signs. I have the thoughts, fantasies of running away or finding another partner, etc.,  I have not and can tell I will not act on any of them.  Well occaisionally I spend too much in retail therapy but thats it .  I think thats a big difference between us and them. They don't feel in control of themselves.  While I might not be in control of what is happening to me and I am mostly in control of what I do about it. I guess that's why therapy can work for us but rarely for them.  Awareness is power.