[After the speech/bomb drop, did your MLC'er continue to be affectionate?]

After the speech/bomb drop, did your MLC'er continue to be affectionate?

No

10 (32.3%)

Rarely

5 (16.1%)

Occasionally

5 (16.1%)

Regularly

7 (22.6%)

Every time we are in contact

4 (12.9%)

Total Members Voted: 31

Voting closed: July 19, 2010, 04:14:29 PM

[Purple stain]

I usually get angry when he calls me by my name and I reply with adding his name! Most of the time he doesn't call me anything which is better than by name, sounds cold. I've noticed on days when he is mad or sad that's when he uses my name

[Still]

I am having a hard time today dealing with lack of affection. I went canoeing with friends last week. One of my friend's h was trying to get around me, he put his hand on my back and patted me to get by.

It was a completely innocent gesture that brought to the forefront of my mind how long it has been since I have been touched (other than my awesome hugs from my children). The last time my h touched me, in any way, was March 2009. It has been 18 months and we live in the same home.

He knows how much I love affection. It is a cruel form of abandonment, emotional estrangement.

I try to fill my day with lots of things and most days I am successful. I can't even remember what it feels like to have my husband hug me. I have tried several times to touch him, he pulls away. I believe he truly feels that I am not worthy. Sad, really.

I have asked God to meet my needs, but this one stands so overtly unmet. Ugh!

[OldPilot]

Still

I can understand your pain. 
Just a thought, could you go for massage therapy or a spa or something.

Just an idea.

[Still]

OP,

I have actually been thinking about it. I would have to travel and hour or so to go. The only spa we have in town has a massage therapist that my sitter described as "very creepy". Not exactly a description of a person I would want providing me an hour of relaxation. 

[Mermaid]

That would kill me too, Still. I really understand those words "cruel form of abandonment, emotional estrangement."

I've been lucky that way, although I have less physical affection than before. I had to get used to that. But may be the affection I get stops me detaching enough?

[trusting]

I'm so sorry, Still.  The lack of physical affection gets to me too and I am fortunate to occasionally get a hug, so no touch at all would be beyond bearable.  It is yet another really, really tough part of this whole MLC thing.  I agree that my kids' hugs are wonderful, but it isn't quite the same.   

It is emotional abandonment and it is horrible.

(((hugs)))

[Trustandlove]

Yep, know what you mean. 

The massage might be nice -- I had a couple this summer and it did feel good -- not the same as what we really want of course but still.  What else I found was that I really was more physically tense than I thought I was, so the massage helped alleviate that.  I've now been to the physiotherapist to get checked out, and am going to take more time to take care of myself in that regard.  It's worth it.

x

[Still]

Thanks for your thoughts Mermaid, Trusting, OP, and T&L.

Some days are definitely better than others.

In my head this morning, I was trying to decide how I would describe my present relationship with my H. At first, I thought maybe friends sharing a home. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that we were not friends, not roommates, more like strangers sharing a home.

Most days he doesn't even acknowledge my presence. When he answers my questions, they are typically short one-word answers or sarcastic remarks. I am not sure why this is.....I believe (hope/pray) it is because he is in withdrawal.

Six months ago, I would have described him as cordial, polite, but cold. There is no politeness in anything he does. At one time, he was the best mannered person I knew. Not now, at least not to me.

This morning, we crossed paths, I smiled, he ignored me. He and the children were getting ready to leave the house. I yelled, "By everyone, have a great day!" The kids yelled, "bye". He says nothing.

[BraveNewWorld]

Still,
      I've been there too, and I can only say that I know how hurt, confused and despairing for my wife and marriage that I felt, and I imagine you feel the same way. Before BD we hugged each other before we left for work, or indeed most places. She used to tell me that she loved my hugs.

I don't have any answers, and my only advice is don't pursue - don't make yourself chase acknowledgement, because it is unlikely to come. Try not to be sarcastic or ironic about it either. All you can do is give your love and let God and life take care of the rest.

I don't understand the process, but I accept that this is how it is now ... and I realize that our friendship seems to become more eroded every day somehow. It is their decision, and now we have to decide what we're going to do about it. It is hard.

The night before last my wife got up in the middle of the night to sleep in the spare room. In the morning she came in turned off the radio alarm and got into our bed. My mind started to question what she was doing, then I had to make it stop. Get up, move on because there is no logical explanation sometimes.

She hates mornings. Used to be the radio clock would start, and she'd curl right into me and hold me and tell me it was too nice in bed. Then boom! One day she told me that 'I don't love you, don't want to grow old with you'.

I'm sending you a smile, a hug and some good wishes for a happy day - do something nice for yourself. Steal a half hour to read a magazine and have a nice cup of coffee and forget about everything else. Understand that your husband must be struggling with something deep that he has to turn away your love. How can anyone afford to turn away from that?

holdingon

[Still]

Thank you, holding on.

So many of you really "get" where I am at. The pain is so different than the initial speech, but maybe only because we have become so callused.

It is the pain of doing all that you can to move forward, improving every possible area of your life, loving another unconditionally with constant rejection and trying to make sense of why they can no longer see a life with you. The pain of a spouse's willingness to break up a family and their only reasoning is selfishness.

I believe so deeply in God's ability to change this situation. I know that good will be reborn out of the ashes of these circumstances.