[justasking]

Kikki

He then ends up phoning me - starts out all charming and then manipulative spew comes out.  He isn't yelling, but it's selfish and non empathetic and designed to control me and 'put me down'.

This is def monster. Monster can change through the journey before it disappears for good. Not sure it was your threat but more likely that he is 'changing' again as he continues on his path. I think you are right he is trying to pull you in to justify his choices. Instead of verbal rage he is now using emotional abuse which is often more difficult to side step.

Stand back as you are doing and don't play his game. Terminate the phone call or don't participate in the conversation if it is getting out of hand. This is his path though he would like you to react so as he can continue to blame you.

xx

[Anjae]

I only know direct interaction with monster when OW1 was around. It was madness. One day he was all nice and helping me with groceries, or we would go out to a social event, nest day (or next time around) he was insane, next day crying. Sometimes it was all three in a day.

Since I’ve come back to our home town contact my with him diminished. So, it did not took long for him to star e-mailing, them he see me, with a lame excuse, on Summer 07, and as soon as he could, he got out of his job and come working for his local branch of the company I was working with. We had to speak with each other on a daily basis. He even got has far as starting buying me small presents and send them to me. But if I ever tried to talk to him about anything serious (divorce, money, assets) – I didn’t knew a thing about MLC – monster come out and all hell broke loose again.

Before I’ve left I got a really nice scene of “you are abandoning me. I need your help”. “You wanted me to got a job, now I’ve got a job”; “I meant here, not there”, “Well, it turned up there”. Monster follwed in full blown.

Time passed and my local branch of the company closed down. I detached, become NC. I think monster now is showed through is absurd fault divorce cases. Or on the one or other occasion I need to talk to him about taxes. I’ve got that some, nice, crying, monster thing last March on a phone call. But that was the only time since I’ve went NC I’ve had to phone him. Not willing to repeat the experience. I’m done with monster

[Moving Forward]

Hello,
I am 2 years post BD and almost 6 months post divorce and I still see monster - first it was face face then by letter/e-mail then it moved to being monster through his solicitor as the divorce process was navigated and now it is by text - the most recent time was Friday 9th September when he declared we don't have a relationship, it's all about money for me and I am a liar.......projection and monster spew - he is a master.

I remain detached but sometimes it niggles but I can see it for what is is and don't take it personally (as long as I'm not too tired and have been looking after myself that is!!)

In the words of Doris Day Detach Detach Detach (or Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps as she sings it!!)

[kikki]

That was confusing for a moment, but I see some kind person has linked this to a former thread 

Thanks for your experiences and insights Wed2, JA, Anne J and Moving.

Monster is really hard to deal with and I agree - especially so when you're tired and maybe not looking after yourself well enough.

Just A - that makes sense.  I probably wouldn't have been able to stop his monster spew if he wasn't at a place that monster was changing within him.
And I think this is what I am struggling with right now - he's actively seeking me out to emotionally abuse me.  And it is REALLY REALLY hard to side step.

After a phonecall two nights ago from him that was ghastly, he sent me an email the next day saying 'thanks for the good/bad chat last night'. 
I feel like I'm also his pressure release valve.  And assume he's feeling way out of control again.
Meanwhile I'm feeling exhausted ....

[Thundarr]

I'm at the 4-month anniversary today (yay me!!) and I have not seen Monster in two weeks.  That's a record for my W as it was an every other day thing for awhile.  She said the most vile and demonic things I have ever heard, and I've worked with at-risk teenagers for 12 years if that tells you anything.  I don't even want to repeat the things she said as they are too hurtful at this time.

[kikki]

Hey Happy Anniversary Thundarr    You're doing well.  Still querying if your W is in MLC?

I suspect not 

[Thundarr]

LOL!!!  I should buy myself something to celebrate my anniversary, huh?  Star Wars on blu-ray came out today on this side of the pond so I might have to go with that.  Not querying anymore, but starting to hit a stride for some reason.

[kikki]

Star Wars sounds perfect 

[Anjae]

Moving, did you married my husband? I thought I was the only one seeing monster through a lawyer. How naïf of me. I should know better, they have all got the same script. They only made adjustments to it. Mine is also like yours, all I care about is money and I’m a liar. I even have it on court paper. So that I do not forget it! LOL

kikki , yes, it is very hard to deal with monster. Many times we are really tired, can’t take proper care of ourselves and feel overwhelmed. But we always managed to survive.

You’re right, we are their pressure valves. One more good reason for us to get ou of their way. Even if, as happening with Moving and me, if we are, physically or otherwise, out of the way, they still release the pressure on us. Even if it takes a solicitor, lawyer, court. They stop at nothing. I wonder if they never tire…Because, like you, we all get so exhausted…

Happy anniversary, Thundarr.  Two weeks without monster is good.

[Stillpraying]

Well done Thundarr.
Isn't it a great feeling when you look back and can count when the last monster spew came out and they are getting wider apart.  Gives us some more breathing space.

Although, I do think that the less monster also comes when the LBS learns to detach and not react to monster.  Like kids!  They get less satisfaction out of it when we don't react. The knives in the back still hurt but I've learnt to take them right out again.

Must mean you are doing well!!!  Congratulations.
SP