[FindingNemo]

For me, monster didn't arrive on the scene until around 3 years into this MLC madness.  It stuck around for about 3 months.  Monster may have arrived late on the scene, but when he did, he arrived in full force.  My husband went from being this loving and caring person who did not hesitate to hit me during an argument.  What is really difficult about all of this is not the hitting me part.  We both have been in counseling and taken various classes to learn how to not behave like monsters.  The hardest part is that he has lost his self esteem and has been looking for it in all of the wrong places..  He's gotten better, but we still have some work to do. 

[Medusa]

Mine has been monstering since 2010, but the worst was the 8 months we lived together after BD. He is extremely passive-aggressive, selfish and manipulative, and I can see the anger boiling just beneath the surface.

He is a master at deflecting the blame on to anyone and everyone. I still get my share, but now he also blames S20 (basically no relationship), D22 (a distant relationship), the mediator (his money problems), and his boss (guessing work isn't that marvelous). I see him being slowly eaten alive by the anger and resentment. Unfortunately, he is in vey deep and allows bad things that have happened in his life to fester.

[UnconditionalLove]

My H's monstering comes and goes. He doesn't call me names, stuff like that he just gets so extremely mad when I've done something that cut him off. Like I changed my apartment looks. Instead of being mad like a normal person probably would, he goes into this text rage and blows it all up, around and back again. Shouting violations, etc but he moved out.  I don't have any keys to the place he's living at nor do I go there.  He's monstering is through texting. Or, if something comes to his head he thinks he need to full fill like cashing in retirement, moving stuff from storage which he was obsess with but now hasn't mentioned it lately, etc.  I'm wondering if that stuff is gone for awhile. He's more normal but then that scares me too. I want to know what he could be up to. LOL!

What is the nice monster? What are you getting when you get the nice monster?

[gillies9]

14 months so far and still growing strong ads that she is in full surgical menopause and going cold turkey oh boy

[nah]

Pascale, I think you are on to something with the menopause/andropause thing.

I remember going through the "baby blues", it was crazy.  The advantage was, I had read all the baby books and knew what was happening.  Even though I knew, it was just plain weird, my emotions were all over the place and I couldn't control it.  Luckily it was mild and it went away in a few weeks.

Women tend to be more "in tune" with their bodies, we are more likely to talk to other women about "hormonal/emotional issues" but not all do.  Maybe that's why more men seem to go through MLC.  No guy is going to tell another guy that he is feeling "sad and don't know why" and maybe some women (like your wife) is just more hormonal than she is use to being and doesn't feel comfortable talking to somebody.  I'm just the type of person that will get a hot flash in a room full of strangers and say something like, "hey, don't worry about my face turning purple it's just another egg dying", but that's me.

It sucks that they get to the point that they take their anger out on the people that love them the most.  My husband is close to a vanisher so I can only hope that his anger is now turning on to the girl.  At some point, hopefully, they will even out and realize the issue was inside them the whole time.  Maybe that is what is really happening when we hear that they "come out of the fog".

[living with Hope]

The monstering behaviour showed up right after Bomb drop if I tried to even say "Hi" to my husband.  It was full on for 4 months until he ran away. Then we only saw that behaviour when he was either confronted with something he didn't want to talk about or hear.  Otherwise it did not make an appearance. But when something uncomfortable was presented, it went from zero to 60 in seconds flat.

Monster behaviour including flashing dark eyes, screaming, mocking, shoving, or complete silence with a stare down and his arms loved to fly around with his hands in fists.  He often reminded me of a small boy having a major temper tantrum.  The one time I swear there was fear in those dark eyes.  I described him as a caged animal fighting for his life. 

The last time I saw this behaviour was this summer when he said he wanted a divorce and he flip flopped about that for hours. At one point, he brought up his family and we got onto the discussion of his Mother. He picked up his briefcases and threw them down in full anger when he told me that she ruined his life for the last few years (she passed away almost 2 years ago). 

So the behaviour still exists and it is the same level of intensity but I think he has a better handle of when it appears or no one is poking him and making him accountable.  To me, I see it as a defense mechanism to help him avoid having to deal with anything.  He knows I am terrified of this behaviour.  It is such a 180 from the man I know and love.

[nah]

Is four months the magic number?  Mine was like that about 4 months before he left, and now he is basically a vanisher.

He flipped out for outrageous stuff like-
I would forget to turn the outside light on...
I was standing "in the way" at a club when no one was around.
I made an omelet, he pushed it across the counter and yelled, "what the hell is this?"...that was the day before BD.

I have said this before, since I don't see him often, I think he is pushing his anger onto others, at the divorce hearing he screamed, and I mean screamed at his lawyer more than once.  It was embarrassing. 

Again, this is not normal anger, and I don't believe it's b/c he just "fell out of love", something is just not right.

[UKStander]

Full on Monster lasted about 6 months. That was extreme. I still have a note H wrote at that time, with the handwriting almost carved into the paper. We weren't home when he expected us to be and he just blew - like a volcano - even though we were just 2 miles down the road at a lesson S regularly attended.  Nothing sinister - but H was completely paranoid.  It was scary, but so extreme I knew something was wrong. 

We still have outbursts of Monster - usually when he feels something he cares deeply about (usually S) is threatened. I imagine, unless we hit Liminality (pray God we do) that this could rumble on until the end of time. Sweet. NOT.

[UKStander]

Had full on Monster for about 6 months. Still have piece of paper from that time. Terrifying. We weren't home when he expected us to be - but we were only 2 miles down road at lesson that S regularly attended.  I knew then that something wasn't right.


Now we get it from time to time - whenever something he wants isn't readily available. I can imagine this could go on, should he not enter liminality - for the rest of his days. Scary.

[UnconditionalLove]

Well, I just got back from one of our storage units and found that H has decided to move everything out of it he thinks is his.  Not sure if he took any household stuff. Looks like it's just his but it's hard to tell in storage. He knows he's not suppose to move anything from the storage area without us doing it together but he was obsess with it. He probably did it when I was in the hospital for surgery on my liver.  I count that stuff as monster. It's stuff he does behind my back then he'll be just nice to me. I'm not even going to bring it up. I'll just relay it to attorney.  He sure did clean up the area though.