[Picton]

Hey nah

Isn't it scary how similar our mlcers can be. My xp is well known in our community. Along with running our own business xp coaches our s rugby team, is the chairman of our s school board, is a volunteer fire fighter and we have been foster parents to 40 children over the past 4 years. People saw us as the most stable and loving couple they knew.  Xp was well liked and respected by many people until he left me for a sl*tty 30 yo wh*re. People were very supportive even though most people couldn't understand what he had done. People started to turn their backs on xp when he and ow started to bad mouth me. I have never spoken a negative word about xp and will not tolerate anyone running him down. Now xp looks like a jerk and my halo is glowing.  So now xp is mad at me about that as well.
I wish my xmas list was long as my xps list of everything I have done wrong.   
I totally agree projected guilt is their weapon of choice - see it regularly

Kia kaha - stay strong

Ps - sorry my posts read a bit random. Posting from my phone and it keeps changing words and spelling on me

[Thunder]

nah-He then leaned in and said, "you know I have issues in social situations and have trouble with people"

Mine said pretty much the same thing a few years ago.  Like it was MY fault he had no friends.
He has always been a big introvert, avoiding people and social gatherings like the plague.  Then he wonders why he has no close friends.  Ah, maybe you need to be a friend to have friends.   

Last year he did some research on line and decided he had Social Anxiety.  He bought a self-help book on the subject, took notes, took the tests but never really made any changes.  He still avoids people.

I remember seeing notes he wrote for himself and believe me they hurt.  Some of his list was:

Meet someone new
Have more fun
Get on with my life
Want to meet women
Stay focused at work, stay at meetings and be normal like everyone else.

Most of the list was Script...meeting someone new, have more fun. get on with my life, etc. but some of it was just the fact that he is not comfortable around people and sadly didn't feel he was normal.

Then he started taking mood pills.  St John's Wart for example. 

All very sad but all you can do is accept that they are trying to find themselves.

[UnconditionalLove]

Ok, my what I'm thinking isn't monster but just plain bad decisions with my MLCer. 

I don't get these kinds of conversations. He doesn't come to me talking about blame or coming at me verbally reminding me I at fault for everything in his life. He doesn't communication anything to me.

What he does do is passive/aggressive stuff.  He will text me if something doesn't go his way and I will get the angry text but it's on the subject at hand.  It's always blown out of hand.  What I call monster for me is not knowing what my H is going to do next.  Sometimes he gets something in his mind and has to do it. EX - he just emptied out what he decided was his from our storage unit. He has been told over and over that we need to do that together but when I was in the hospital he took stuff out of storage.  He sneaks around and I don't know what he will do next.  Is that monster or just crazy MLC stuff?

Over the last 9 months my H hasn't come at me personally but with come at me passive/aggressively by doing something to disrupt me life or try. He's anger shows up passive/aggressively. He doesn't spend time cutting me down, telling me what I did wrong. In fact he won't talk about anything to me. Just work conversation, sometimes I'll get a text that's a touch and go about nothing or something funny but he does not communication hate to me.  He will however, do things like I found out he was recording our conversations.  Not sure what he's trying to get on me but in his mind that was a good idea. Or, he cashed in our retirement. Run off with both sets of car keys, empty out he's stuff or what he thinks is his stuff from storage knowing that he's not suppose to do that per attorneys but does it anyhow.  I think I get nice monster most of the time.  That's the monster I can't trust. I don't know what he is going to do or what he already did when I'm getting nice monster. 

My husband has told me on 1 occasion how he felt about me, what I did, what's all wrong with me and that was at the time of BD. From there he hasn't brought anything up again. We have no talks about OW, relationship or my failures in his eyes.  He monsters in other ways or at least that is what I called them.

[nah]

UCL...actually our husbands seem very similar.  I'm in about a year longer than you and thats the only reason I have had more "conversations", actually at this point we haven't talked since August.  I'm not worried, though, I know he will show up again at some point.

Passive/aggressive is my husbands specialty.  We don't communicate at all and only had a few "snippets" of him opening up in 20 months, these were always mixed in meetings with lawyers or about finances.  The only reason I have even got as much as I did is b/c I backed way off, very early, I let him come to me, which is not very often.  I believe with all my heart that he had the potential to be a true vanisher if I didn't give him an extreme amount of space early on. 

My husband too never said there was anything "wrong" with me, except we both grew up in dysfunctional families, ummm wasn't a problem for 28 years, now it is?  Basically he said when he left that "we grew apart" then admitted it wasn't me but him and said, "I don't know, I guess I'm F'd up in the head"

It's only nine months for you, when i was at nine months I was very much in the dark at what was going on in his head.  He did everything he could do to avoid me.  Waiting sucks but sit back and slowly what you want to know will come to you.

[nah]

Mine said pretty much the same thing a few years ago.  Like it was MY fault he had no friends.
He has always been a big introvert, avoiding people and social gatherings like the plague.  Then he wonders why he has no close friends.  Ah, maybe you need to be a friend to have friends.   

This is key.  My husband seems like an extrovert, he sings in a band, coached and ran several youth hockey leagues, a leader in his industry.  All those things, however, he needs to be the center of attention.  He is very comfortable giving speeches (or singing) in front of hundreds (or even thousands) of people.  One on one though, he disappears.  When he sings, he shows up, does his thing and then leaves, he doesn't interact unless its a few drunks telling him how he is so awesome.

That's where I always came in (but didn't realize until he left and others made this observation), I like people and I like to socialize.  I always backed off when he was the center and let him have the limelight, I actually enjoyed it.  When it was time to organize, make phone calls, talk to individuals, thats when I took over. 

So when he left, he was expecting people to call again and again (even though he avoided them) and rally around him.  I reached out to people, b/c that's what I always did.  Even though we were no longer together, we stayed in our roles.  I reached out, talked and talked and talked, and he sat in a cave waiting for it to come to him.  Now, he's pointing fingers saying he doesn't have any friends, well you need to call back once in a while, A-hole.

I hear the girl is very socially awkward, so he has seemed to disappeared.  Maybe he likes it this way, I'm not sure.

[UnconditionalLove]

Thanks Nah for the encouragement. Sometimes I read post and think where do we fit into this? My H isn't fuming all the time (um, I don't know what is going on in his head).  He doesn't spend his time cutting me down but will do passive/aggressive stuff towards me and then later I'll get this strange nice text about something just to change the direction of what he just did.  I don't text him with arguments, he knows I don't play his aggressive text games if I do get something he's angry about. I've given him his space. I don't text, unless it's work stuff or call him at all. I have given him his space to follow his fantasy. He is now in a hotel by himself and I'm praying he's thinking, thinking and thinking. He doesn't have OW to run to because she doesn't live here and he has tried to have some casual texts with me but I have stop responding. He does talk to OW a lot and does text a lot but he doesn't get to see her unless he leaves to visit which I'm sure he'll be going there for Christmas and the New Year. 

It's good to hear you were where I was at this time and maybe things will change if the divorce doesn't happen first.  I'm praying for OW to be gone here soon but who knows my MLCer could be one to marry his. He's completely in and he's the kind of person who would marry her without thinking.

[Neo]

It's only nine months for you, when i was at nine months I was very much in the dark at what was going on in his head.  He did everything he could do to avoid me.  Waiting sucks but sit back and slowly what you want to know will come to you.

Nah,

I am at the nine month mark as well, but my wife has turned into a vanisher. For the first month or two, she was emailing me or talking to me several times a week about various topics. In the 3-4 month time frame it dropped to twice a week and then dropped off to once every two weeks and then in July I heard from her once. After that I haven't heard anything.

From what you have written, it sounds like your husband went into vanisher mode very soon after he left, so it sounds very similar to my situation. I am curious as to what you have done in those months you haven't heard from him. How long of stretch have you went without hearing from him?

[nah]

From what you have written, it sounds like your husband went into vanisher mode very soon after he left, so it sounds very similar to my situation. I am curious as to what you have done in those months you haven't heard from him. How long of stretch have you went without hearing from him?

I have been very honest on this forum, not too proud of this but about a month after he left, I picked myself up and went through my own MLC.  I met husband when I was 17 and he was my first.  I spent about six months drinking and sleeping around, targeting any man that was connected to my husband in some way (as long as they were very single).  It was very self-destructive and revenge driven, not very healthy.  I have since settled down and now I have a boyfriend.  My boyfriend was my boss, and stood by me through all my craziness.

So, how did I get him from being a vanisher to a "off and on-er"?  I stepped back, a lot, I waited for opportunities (which was very very hard).  At a meeting, out of the blue he said, "you must hate me", I said "No I forgive you."  At another meeting he said, "the kids never call unless they need something" I so wanted to say, "yes A-hole and they never will" but instead I said, "WE need to do better as parents"  In one single swoop it made us seem like partners and in this together.  I also walked up to him once and said, "I am not your enemy", remember they are paranoid children.  He stood up quick and said, "I am not your enemy either".  This was over a long time, over a year.  I was not always perfect but sometimes the opportunity just fell into my lap, and sometime I had to step back and wait for the next time.  Unfortunately this is a very very long process.

I usually have contact with husband in some way about once a month now.  True vanishers, there is no contact at all.  Also, I know I can call him, ask to meet, and he would.  We are both in a "stubborn-off" right now.  I really don't think our story is over, even if he gets married (which is very possible) our story is not over.

[Pixiegirl]

I had to really think about his one UL. I got monster almost constant for at least 3 of the 4 years. When he came back the last time he was still monster just off and on. Once he left I didn't get monster very often. Pretty much none at all but I suppose its because he was getting his way. He was free to do whatever he wanted. And we know what that got him so far.

[nah]

He was free to do whatever he wanted.

Haha...they are free alright.    Free to find out what the ow is really like, 

Yes, let them go and if it is meant to be, they will come back.

I said this often to the lawyers and even on the stand during our divorce.  "I don't agree but I will support his decision".  I let the world know that it wasn't my idea but I loved him enough to support his decision.

After the hearing I walked up to him, hugged him (the first time since BD) and said, "I hope you find what you are looking for", then I walked away and didn't turn back.

Yes, it's tempting to go on and on about how its wrong for us and the whole family, blah blah blah... they won't remember it all.  I know he must think of my words while the girl is watching and controlling his every move.  Good let her do her job.