Happy to say the blonde is out of my wifes hair (Finally! The front half of her head had been blond since Jul '09 around the start of her EA, and mixed with either blue, purple or pink). She is working a lot more now too. Two years now, our old home has been for sale-hope the buyer sale happens quicker than the foreclosure. Even more so than in my last update she has reverted to her old self, although some new traits acquired during her MLC still linger.
For the HS people who don't know me, I am a MLC survivor. From bomb drop to reconcile was 11 mos. (Nov '09-Sept '10). There was an OM and the affair went from EA to PA. We separated and lived apart for 7 mos. but with circumstances, determination and playing the game right, it all worked out
This sounds very similar to my situation. We were separated for over a year, though I didn't know it because I was home taking care of my mother, who was in the final stage of cancer. Can we say D E N I A L... yea, that was me, never even considered the possibility of ANOTHER PERSON!!!!
Now, the fact that we were only SEPARATED for about a year, my h had definitely been in CRISIS, for years and year. Approximately 5 years, then we moved to Europe, had a lovely almost 3 year, HONEYMOON. When son was preparing to leave us for University, mothers illness and the marriages of our 2 oldest children within a couple of months of each other... he quietly SLIPPED OFF the edge into deep, deep crisis.
The years prior to MLC crept in so quietly, so stealthily, only knowing what I know now, am I able to realize that it really did happen. Our marriage had been an interesting one. His military career dictated an independence from the children and I that is not as prevalent in the more typical 9-5 type marriages. I thought our lifestyle had created a healthy awareness of each other and respect for each other, as the necessity to be a "good" team was essential for the continuation of a healthy, functional home and family.
Apparently midlife crisis knows no bounds. It swept through our home and lives slowly, yet systematically, creating havoc and discontent in it's wake. Truly, I had arrived at the point that our marriage had always been less then satisfactory, that he had always been domineering and controlling, as we tippy toed around the progressively easier to irritate dad/husband.
I became convinced that this was the "doom" that struck all marriages of long duration. I rationalized that of course, time eventually, reduced ALL marriages to this boring, uncomfortable type of existence. In my heart though, I had NEVER expected that to happen to us. Sure, we had lots of ups and downs. WE were / are passionate people, both of us stand up for what we believe, value... that is who we are/ were. Those 5 years, not anymore. I was no longer ENTITLED to an opinion. I was lazy. I was letting myself go, slip into OLD AGE. I wasn't honouring my promise to find a "good/proper" job. There wasn't TOO MUCH, that I did right, tbh!
Looking back, all of it was TYPICAL MLC.
Depending on how long your wife had been in crisis before you separated, I believe it is POSSIBLE that she is coming out of her CRISIS. If she is like my h though, I would say that she is probably not OUT COMPLETELY...
My h and I reconnected way too soon, in my opinion. He was at the very end of his crisis. I basically had to carry, beat him up, cuddle him, cajole him... force him to FINISH what he had started. There were some WONDERFUL times even though the situation itself was excruciatingly painful. Many, many times, I would retreat to our bedroom with the intent of packing my bags. Many a walk I trod, trying to figure out how to EXTRACT myself from this miserable situation I had inadvertently subjected myself.
All I know STP... don't let her away with anything. Your MLC partner must stand totally accountable for every last, miserable act they perpetrated against ourselves, our children, family, friends. THEY MUST accept what they did, how it had EFFECTED everybody and totally OWN it. If they do not, I am not sure they ever completely heal and I doubt that we EVER would/could heal, and forgive (completely).
A healthy, happy, contented marriage/relationship is possible. In fact, the rumours are true, BETTER, then before... way better. I could expand on this, but all of you would say, "hold on there Stayed, let's not go that far.... because nothing could EVER make what we have gone through, worth the pain". You would not believe me, if I told you, YOU ARE WRONG! It was worth it!
hugs Stayed
LifeTwo - Help! My wife is having a mid-life crisis - Advice please
Author
Topic: