[welsh]

Thundarr, I hope your joking mate, take-out, fast food joint.... food to order and take away...

Wasn't being that serious about being ripped apart.... but I tell you what, we had your Super Bowl on the BBC last night, what is that about? I had already watched Wales playing Rugby (and beat) Ireland earlier in the day.... now that is a proper game.....

[Dr. NO]

'Take-Away'  -Fast food place and/or Indian/Bangaldesh/Pakistan Rice/Curry/Tandoori Chicken food on the go in UK.

Does anyone know if LifeTwo is being resurrected?

[Thundarr]

Doc? Doc Hudson?  Is that you?

[Dr. NO]

My MLC W got into totally new kind of music (that what she was used to) for upto a year before BD day.  She continued with that for last 6 months and now turning back to what she liked previously.  Of course, too me all this is noise and I am not trying to read a 'signal' here.  I mention it to see anyone had observed such thing and it that suppose to mean anything (Signal) as opposed to typical affair of MLC-Land.

[BonBon]

With some trepidation I am going to post my own situation, the laid back support from LT was different. Not sure of the feedback from here.

Hi Welsh!  Nice to see you here.  I was just telling others that I was about to catch up on LT only to find out "here" that over "there" had been shut down?  At any rate, glad you came over here and you don't need to have any trepidation.  There is a different vibe here at times but nothing scary. I'm just going to respond in snippets here as I am familiar with your story and you mine. 

I thought my marriage was great, I had a loving wife, OK slightly wacky, everybody thought she was a bit stuck up… maybe to the point of rudeness, but beautiful and fun and I connected with her, good mother to our boys. I love her completely.

Same with me...except we don't have kids.  I thought the marriage was perfect actually...or close to it!

Met her 16 years ago, she was 24, me 30, she had a 2 year old son, who I took as my own, he is 18 next week. We lived together after about 6 months and married in 2000. We were happy, had two more boys, now 8 and 6. We argued occasionally, but I never really said my bit, my parents argued a lot (but still married after 50 years) but I never saw the point, I would always say sorry (even if it was not my fault) just to move on.

This lack of arguing...it is a common theme with many LBS'....be it the MLCer or the LBSer or both. Communication is something many of us are going to have to learn how to do...
In 2003 moved to a house in the country, a bit of the beaten track, (but still within 15 min of a take-away). I spent weekends renovating and extending. She wanted to move somewhere with people, we did, maybe a couple of years later than she wanted, but I had to finish the house, and the market was not so good so it took a while. I think this made her slightly unhappy, but no so much.

We moved three 1/2 years ago. The new house was good, I starting renovating to suit her tastes, she started writing a book, most of 2010 was good, one of the best years as the boys were older and at school. Eldest was old enough to baby-sit. Then came the first of October 2010, playfully in the kitchen I slapped her bum, with affection, and that was the first monster I saw, for no real apparent reason she flew at me, totally out of character.

Always seems to be a rather benign gesture that tips us off in the beginning....

I know now that was the visible start of this, within a few days we were back to normal, but she slowly started backing away from the relationship, pushing away when I went to hold her, turning her head when I went to kiss her, then when we would go out she started to be overly flirtatious with the guys in the pub, like a dog on heat, and to the near point of violence with guys fighting for attention.

I remember long before I had the bomb drop, my husband flirted wildly with some waitress in front of me.  It was strange because he had never done that in our marriage previously.  But for me, it didn't happen again for 6 months so I just sort of dropped it from my mind...hideous to see, isn't it?

After 6 months of this strange behaviour, although I had asked before what was up, she then gave me the ‘I don’t love you’ line, I was devastated, she said it was my fault for asking, but as it was now out there was no going back. I told her that if she didn’t want me to ask she shouldn’t having given me reason to by her actions.

Well, yes, it always comes back on us, doesn't it?  Our fault for asking...our fault for this or that...blah..blah...blah...

I did the crying, the pleading, the flowers, the gifts, (although I always had anyway) I booked and took her to MCC, there she explained to them the exact symptoms of MLC (as I now know) she told them I was a controlling (when?) and I drank too much (seem I got too drunk at a few parties in the past) I sat there stunned and cried. We were advised to go to separation counselling. In the car afterwards she said, lets not go there again, I not ready for want what they recommend.

Another word nearly every MLCer uses to describe us..."Controlling".  Again, blah, blah, blah...

She tells me I did nothing wrong, I don’t need to change as I am the man she married, its just her and people change. She said that the only thing that caused this was the resentment she had built up as we didn’t move house quick enough.

Would that really cause someone to stop loving another?  Maybe she did resent it but she's using this for an excuse.  They have to use something...because they don't really know.  My H said the same thing about his changing...but then a few months later it would be all MY fault...then another few months and it was back to me having done nothing wrong and his changing...this is very typical MLC stuff

She has spoken of divorce, but never done anything.

This is GOOD. 

Initially she was leaving, alone, then with the boys, which I refused, then she wanted me to leave, when I just laughed. Since discovering the MLC thing I have a better understanding, now I tell her this is your mess, there is the door, you can always go, but your welcome to stay.

This is also good.  If they haven't left, they need to know you don't want them to but that if they do, it is their decision.  This is not the same as pleading..this is being matter of fact.  Good job.

I have been told that she is waiting for me to have an affair so she can throw me out, but I guess that is just the Monster talking.

Yes, exactly.  Dismiss it.

What else, the weight loss, the new clothes, the hours in front of the mirror, the 180 from dotting mum to two little boys to messing and joking about with the eldest, whom she had left alone as his teenage grunting and lack of sense annoyed her, the cheek and backchat which she now finds funny is now rubbing off on the little ones….

Monster comes and goes, usually every 2 months at its worst (coinciding with periods). I have had out all night drinking, lies, deceit, facebook and dating site searching (I have objected). New older enabling divorced friends (ex MLC WAS) have arrived, older objecting friends have gone.

Again, as you know, all this behavior is very typical MLC.

Where am I now? Limbo. She will be forty next month. Last Monster was New Years Eve, the last two weeks she has been more of her old self, I had one hour phone call last week from her, just to chat, she also popped in the office to show me her new hair cut, all rare. Right now seems to be dropping back again as her period approaches. My head will go down.

She is cycling.

I am as detached as I can be, we still share the same bed, we still talk and sit in the same room each evening, but she does avoids my eyes. She has starting saying hello when I return from work in the past few weeks….. That is something I guess.

This could be much worse...this is good actually.

Its been a while, but not long in the scheme of things, I have much more to add, but I think these are the bones, no as eloquently put as others. But it does help to write it down.

Welsh, I've said this to you on LT and I maintain the same feeling now.  She does not seem to be in a hurry to go anywhere.  You seem to have learned to detach somewhat which I know from my own experience is really hard, particularly while living under the same roof.  My advice is to continue to give her space.  She clearly needs this space and there is alot more chance that she won't do anything drastic if you give her this space and remain non confrontational right now.  Unless she does or says something that you need to put a boundary on of course...P

Prepared now to be ripped apart…..

Never! 
 that is a joke,

I am British, jokes may not travel well.

Ha!  But scones and clotted cream travel very well.  I just ordered some from Devon...hahahha...I truly did!  Can't get it in the US!
  Again, glad to see you here.

Oh and as for the Super Bowl on BBC...I think there we are going to see alot more US stuff in the UK and vice versa.  We now have BBC America station on our cable and my H and I are completely addicted to "MI5".
Interesting.

Bonnie

[hobo1]

welsh - thanks for your post....  we've talked on skype, so I pretty much know your sich, but isn't amazing some of the similarities?

Thinking about what your W said about not asking...  and now that she told you, there is no going back.

My W said the same type of thing...  even after she told me, she wanted me to ignore it, and just go about living life... and talk about normal things... except the relationship.  Not know about MLC, I thought how the heck do I do that?

You are my W, and tell me that you don't love me, but you want me to pretend that you didn't say it...  all the while, no empathy and no affection towards me...

  All is fine, if we don't talk about the relationship.  Once I bring it up, she said I 'tricked' her into talking about it, and now that the cat is out of the bag, there is no going back...  Like it was supposed to be a secret that she didn't love me...  and wanted to date someone else.

She also mentioned that 'any other man would just let her come to her senses herself.... meaning not talk about the relationship and ask questions....'

Sometimes I wonder if I just didn't say anything or asked what I did wrong, or if I didn't try to make it work, didn't try to 'date' her and give her gifts, where we would be now.  After a while, I became obsessed with getting her back, and even got very angry.  Well, I know the MLC can not be suppressed or avoided.  One way or another, it would still be happening...  whether or not we would still be sleeping in the same bed is a different question.

Has anyone else heard about their MLCer thinking that since the 'cat is out of the bag' it's too late....?  She withdrew from me, not wanting to ML, and not wanting to hold hands or hug....  she even said she wasn't sure she loved me, which I didn't take too seriously back in Oct of 2010.  I forced her to tell me what is going on...  but didn't get an answer until Dec of 2010.  So come to think of it, my BD could have been as early as Oct 2010.





 

[BonBon]

My MLC W got into totally new kind of music (that what she was used to) for upto a year before BD day.  She continued with that for last 6 months and now turning back to what she liked previously.  Of course, too me all this is noise and I am not trying to read a 'signal' here.  I mention it to see anyone had observed such thing and it that suppose to mean anything (Signal) as opposed to typical affair of MLC-Land.

YES!  A whole new genre of music.  Now, he's mostly back to his old tastes.  Bizarre.


EDIT - JMHO - This thread is better here since we can quote and change colors and do all sorts of FUN things. - OP

[stayed]

Thundar, my thread is still available.  Simply click on my name... go to my very first page.  It's all there.  I'm not an authority on MLC... quite honestly, I don't care to know.  I know enough that I was reluctant to throw our marriage away, because he betrayed and broke my heart.  Like most everybody on this forum, I had to dig deep and find out what I was REALLY made of.  What I wanted from my life and what I was going to do about it. 

Mostly, I discovered that I had to accept whatever the RESULT was.  Like you, I had no idea, if my spouse and I could recover from this... if he would ever return or if I would want him if he did return.  The confusion is immense and finally by backing away from HIM, I was able to honestly evaluate what I WANTED.  I also, learned like many of you are now discovering, that with or without him, I would have been JUST FINE. 

My concern from the moment I came in here was NEVER for the MLCer.  My concern is for the LBS and helping them find the way through this, without becoming bitter and angry.  Helping them to see that there is a life beyond this, with or without their spouse. 

Hugs... Stayed   

[BonBon]

welsh - thanks for your post....  we've talked on skype, so I pretty much know your sich, but isn't amazing some of the similarities?

Thinking about what your W said about not asking...  and now that she told you, there is no going back.

My W said the same type of thing...  even after she told me, she wanted me to ignore it, and just go about living life... and talk about normal things... except the relationship.  Not know about MLC, I thought how the heck do I do that?

This is MLC talk.  A rational person would never expect to lay something like that on you and then for you to ignore it.  MLCers are not rational..not really.  They don't want to have to explain the unexplainable nor be held accountable. 

You are my W, and tell me that you don't love me, but you want me to pretend that you didn't say it...  all the while, no empathy and no affection towards me...

Again, no accountability.  No empathy.  NONE.  This is a period of unrelenting and horrifying selfishness.  Hobo, if you go back to my threads, you will see lots of fights, talks, crying times between my H and me over the lack of empathy.  This, in my opinion, is one of the worst traits of the MLCer.

  All is fine, if we don't talk about the relationship.  Once I bring it up, she said I 'tricked' her into talking about it, and now that the cat is out of the bag, there is no going back...  Like it was supposed to be a secret that she didn't love me...  and wanted to date someone else.

Again, all that I wrote above.  This isn't rational.  The only thing she is saying that is accurate here is that she does not want to talk about the relationship.  That is true.  She doesn't want to have to provide answers because she doesn't really know what is going on, what went wrong with her.  We as rational adults, stand in the way of the MLCer when we demand answers. They want everything to be easy...even though it was their actions that made their own lives (and everyone else's) so hard.

She also mentioned that 'any other man would just let her come to her senses herself.... meaning not talk about the relationship and ask questions....'

Do you mind me being blunt?  That's a load of bullsh*t.  Don't believe one word of it. She's trying to make you feel bad for asking things you have every right to ask.  But in her state, again, not rational...don't even try to make her understand the ridiculousness of this right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I just didn't say anything or asked what I did wrong, or if I didn't try to make it work, didn't try to 'date' her and give her gifts, where we would be now.  After a while, I became obsessed with getting her back, and even got very angry.  Well, I know the MLC can not be suppressed or avoided.  One way or another, it would still be happening...  whether or not we would still be sleeping in the same bed is a different question.

Listen, most of us beg, plead, try this, try that in the beginning.  You can not blame yourself for trying to figure out why your marriage, your wife, was imploding.  We all have done that.  You are right and this is the most important thing:  The MLC was going to happen one way or another.  I badgered my husband mercilessly in the beginning and he didn't leave.  So one MLCer will leave and another will not...that is most likely not at all in our control.  What is important is once you've figured out that it is MLC, how you deal with it from there. 

Has anyone else heard about their MLCer thinking that since the 'cat is out of the bag' it's too late....?  She withdrew from me, not wanting to ML, and not wanting to hold hands or hug....  she even said she wasn't sure she loved me, which I didn't take too seriously back in Oct of 2010.  I forced her to tell me what is going on...  but didn't get an answer until Dec of 2010.  So come to think of it, my BD could have been as early as Oct 2010.

That's just an excuse.  Please believe me.  Whether you asked or not, it was going to come out.
This is something I know 100%.  You did not cause this and you did not start her path of destruction by asking about it.  And again, you are married and have every right to know what the hell is going on in your relationship.  Again, once you do know its an MLC, that is when you stop asking questions and deal with it in a different way.  But no one can know that right away...do not blame yourself at all.

Hang in there.
Bonnie


 

[hobo1]

Thundarr...  I sent you the Avatar because it DOES look like you!!   Muscular and handsome devil you are ...

Dr. No, I take you are not Doc Hudson, do we know you by another name?  Either way, welcome, and share your story...